Has this started out to be a great season or what? We’ve got some decent people to root for, several not-so-decent people to rip on, and you just can’t beat a first leg that involves an animal task. Unfortunately we won’t have any animal goodness for this leg of the Race, but we do have a couple of two legged asses that show up. More on that later. Let’s pick up where we left off last week, in Ireland....
After donkey abusers Ari and Staella’s boot last week, we’re left with ten teams. Azaria and Hendekea get to leave first, at a very early 12 am. Ugh. They rip open their clue to discover that they must make their way to Amsterdam. Woohoo! I don’t think any of our Racers will be partaking of Amsterdam’s more notorious activities, but still. Once they arrive in Amsterdam, they must locate the Melkmeisjesbrug bridge for their next clue. Say that three times fast. A tired-looking Hendekea gets snippy with her brother on the way.
Kynt and Vyxsin leave second, and Kynt can’t wait to get to Amsterdam - he thinks they’ll love them there. We’ll see. Vyxsin makes a comment about leaving in the dark, and how the dark is their “favorite place to dwell,” as creepy music plays in the background. Okay, we get it already, guys. TK and Rachel take off next, and Rachel thinks their next destination will be “bitching.” Off go Lorena and Jason, getting along for now, followed by Nicolas and Donald and Shana and Jennifer. Shana actually complains about how tough it is, not having time for a facial or a manicure. Wait - do you hear that? It’s the world’s smallest violin, playing just for Shana. Jennifer can’t get the bright lights to stay on in her car, so she holds the button the whole time, wondering if they’re broken or she’s just an idiot. I’ll keep my comments to myself on that one. Speaking of idiots, Donald bumps a curb and gets a flat tire. Of course his grandson says he saw it coming.
Ronald and Christina leave seventh, followed by Pat and Kate, who give me one of my favorite quotes of all reality tv time: “We have no illusions that God cares whether or not we win the Amazing Race.” This is in contrast to the way too many to count delusional nutbags who think they have some divine right to win a reality show (I’m looking at you, Amber). Amen to common sense for a change.
Anyhoo, Donald is busy changing his trashed tire while Nicolas looks on (nice) and other teams zoom by to the Shannon Airport. Hendekea comments that Kynt and Vyxsin are serious competition, saying that Kynt acts like he’s on speed. They make their way to the ticket counter, seeing that it doesn’t open til 6 am. The ministers look on as Christina tries to find some information on the internet, but dear ol’ dad Ronald hounds her to hurry up. So much for the laid back dad of last week. Kate and Pat think that he was way too hard on his daughter, as do I.
Bad Energy, Big Mouths
The ticket counter opens, and it turns out that the teams can all make it to Dublin with no problem. Getting from Dublin to Amsterdam, however, will be a problem. There are a limited number of seats available on the first flight out of Dublin. Azaria and Hendekea, the goths, TK and Rachel and the blondes all make it on the first flight. Then Nicolas and Don and Jenn and Nathan step up to the counter at the same time, with only two seats available. The lady helping Jenn and Nathan is way faster than the one helping Nic and Don, causing the guys to have to take the second flight.
They begin arriving in Dublin, and Don and Nicolas rush to the counter to be put on standby for the better flight to Amsterdam. Nic is more than a little pushy, irking the attendant at the counter. Christina and her dad are quite a bit more polite, and afterwards Ronald makes a beeline to Nicolas to take him to task for his attitude. “You’ve got a mouth that starts with bad energy,” he tells Nic as Christina tries to shut dad up and keep the peace. There’s no shutting him up, though, as he blathers on about good cops, bad cops, ear wax and boogers. Don’t ask, I have no idea.
After all that, Nic and Don still manage to get the standby tickets on the first flight, leaving Christina and Ron behind. Good guys don’t always finish first.
Marianna and Julia finally catch up to the others (who weren’t too thrilled to see them) and the rest of the teams hop the second flight to Amsterdam. The first wave hits the train station when they land, and Hendekea has the bright idea of just getting on the train and paying there, while the other teams stand in line to buy tickets. The brother and sister roll away as the others barely miss the train, having to wait ten more minutes for the next one. Hey, she’s not an aerospace engineer for nothing! They find the bridge and the next clue, which is a Detour: Hoist It or Hunt It. In Hoist It, teams must pull various furniture items up several floors using ropes and pulleys. In Hunt It, they have to find specially marked bicycles in a fleet of bikes, then ride them five miles to a checkpoint.
Azaria isn’t comfortable with tying knots, so they head off to search the bikes. Kynt and Vyxsin decide to do the hoisting, as Vyxsin thinks her macrame experience will help her tie knots. Hee. Just what does a goth macrame, anyhow? She slings the furniture up with a little knot trouble as Kynt pulls it in the window. Jason does the same as Lorena cheers him on from upstairs, being unbelievably annoying. Tiny Shana hoists the furniture, too, but TK and Nathan are having a lot of trouble. Rachel comes down to take over for TK after he gets a little snotty. Speaking of snotty, Jennifer is berating Nathan and questioning his manhood because he can’t get the TV hoisted. She comes down to do it for him, and I secretly hope a TV falls on her.
Meanwhile, Azaria and Hendekea have found their bikes and left as Nic and Donald look for theirs. Christina and Ronald arrive soon after, and he once again starts in on the poor girl when they don’t find the bikes immediately. Kate and Pat search along with them, still in disbelief at how he treats her. She tells him to stay optimistic, but he’s definitely a glass is half empty kind of guy. “I let you loose on this thing, and you basically disappointed me!” he tells his teary-eyed daughter.
Teams open their next clues and rush to a nearby field, which is a Roadblock. Phil tells us that this next task is something commonly done in Amsterdam. No, no, nothing like that. It’s Ditch Vaulting. One team member must pole vault over a muddy ditch, getting both feet in the grass on the other side. Jason flies over the ditch on the first try, getting instructions on how to get to the Pit Stop. Jennifer lands right in the mud on her first try, and I couldn’t be happier. Shana vaults over with ease, and Nathan points that out to Jenn as she screeches not to “do that!” Shana isn’t so lucky on the trip back, though, getting covered in black goop. Jenn finally makes it over, and as they leave, she hocks up a huge loogie, spits, and tells Nathan that “I can’t believe that frickin’ little bitch did it!” Oh, how I loathe this woman.
Kynt arrives at the Roadblock, and decides that he will do it after spying sheep in the field. Why this made his mind up for him, I don’t know. I don’t want to know. When he finds out what it really is, he’s not pleased. “I’m not a down and dirty kind of guy. I’m sort of prissy,” he admits. I never would have guessed! Lorena vaults over easily, with Hendekea having a bit more trouble. Kynt goes splat in the mud. Nic and Donald hang back to watch how the vaulting is done, then Donald decides to try it. I wish he hadn’t. He ends up taking his clothes off for ease of movement, and we’re treated to gramps in his black bikini underwear, covered in mud. Thank god for the mud.
Backpackers Marianna and Julia, Kate and Pat, and Christina and Ronald finish the Roadlblock, but not without another bout of verbal diarrhea from Ronald, ruining Christina’s concentration and any good thoughts that I had about him from last week. Too bad Christina can’t run this thing on her own. Anyhow, the teams all ride their bakfiets (bikes with baskets) to the pit stop, finishing in this order:
1st - Lorena and Jason, winning a pair of three wheeled sport bikes.
2nd - Nathan and Jennifer
3rd - Shana and Jennifer
4th - Kynt and Vyxsin
5th - Azaria and Hendekea
6th - TK and Rachel, who rode right past Phil, losing a spot.
7th - Marianna and Julia
8th - Nicolas and Donald
9th - Ronald and Christina. Ron admits that he’s been a jerk to Christina, saying that he’s become the Archie Bunker of the home.”
Outta there - Kate and Pat
Kate and Pat tearfully take the news, but are happy to have done as well as they did. Nice team, but too darned slow for this kind of thing. Check out next week’s show, which promises more fun with animals and a major meltdown on Lorena’s part. Milking camels and a loony woman - you just can’t go wrong.
Here's hoping Ronald gets laryngitis....waywyrd@fansofrealitytv