So, last week I decided to quote my husband for the title. This week, it’s my son’s turn. I missed the episode… well, I went to bed… shut up, I was really tired. I knew I was taping the episode, and I would be able to watch it while I was wide-awake, fully able to graspo all the details and get a couple really good looks at the scenery… at the Pit Stop. The best scenery is always at the Pit Stop. So, I woke up this morning and the first thing my son asked was if I wanted to know who came in last. I told him I didn’t. He then said, “I won’t tell you who lost, but I’m happy”
Yeah, hon, thanks.
So I knew before watching that this was going to be a great episode. I think I’m glad I knew, because I could relax throughout the show and focus my attention on more important things.
Did you see Phil’s jeans? They were really nice.
Contestants leave the pit stop in the order in which they arrived the previous night. They are given $136.00 and must find their way to Shake Mega Disco (No, I don’t know what makes it “mega”) 75 miles away. They are provided cars in which to get there. Once at the disco, they must find these beach ball looking things on the dance floor and pop them. I know what your thinking: Find them? How hard could that be? Ahhh, my friend, the dance floor is covered in suds! Yes, you read that right. There is a continuous stream of what looks to be Palmolive Dish Soap suds streaming from huge hoses in the ceiling. Makes for fun dancing doncha know? They must pop the balls, until they find one with the next clue in it.
They learn they must take a public ferry to Buenos Aires, then find the burial monument for Eva Peron. She’s been dead a while, Don’t cry for her… Ba-Dum-Ching! The problem here seems to be that she and her husband are buried in two different cemeteries, so finding the right one may prove harder than the teams think. There are 1000’s of monuments to search through. Once they find Eva’s they will also find the next clue.
The Detour this week has the racers making a choice between Tango and Perro, and Phil, honey, darling… learn to roll those R’s buddy. If teams choose Perro, one member must walk 8 dogs 1 mile to a landmark called “La Flor”. Along the way they need to pick up three markers along the way. The other team member needs to navigate with the map that has been provided. If a team decides upon Tango we find ourselves in “repeat challenge land” as the team must find a man dancing the tango with only a photo to go by. Masks anyone? If they give the photo to the right man, they get the clue, if not the dancer keeps the photo, and the racers must go back to the lobby to get a new photo.
This weeks Roadblock takes place on a ranch where the racers must decide which one of them has the quickest hands and feet before opening the clue. Once the decision has been made that person must play a kiddie ranch game. Well, not a game played at a kiddie ranch, I don’t think they exist. It’s a game played by kiddies at a regular ranch There are about 30 calves (calfs?)… hell, baby cows, in a pen. There are red bandanas tied around their necks, and the player must grab a bandana without pushing on, pulling or otherwise hurting the veal. They will then be given the clue that directs them to go to the waiting horse and carriage then travel 2 miles to…
The Pit Stop, and… all together now…. Phil!
Ali and Donny 12:48am
We learn that yelling is their way of communicating. Ummm. OK. They seem to make it to the Disco OK, and Ali looks to be at home dancing in the suds. Well, actually we didn’t see her dancing, but I think she would have looked at home. Somehow they seem to have no problem getting to the ferry, and get themselves tickets out on the first one, leaving at 4:30am. They go to the cemetery, and here is where I get a little confused. They are either dropped off at the furthest possible point from the entrance, or they are at the wrong one. I’m not sure which. They do finally get the Detour clue and immediately decide to go for the “Tango”. That lasted about 2.4 seconds and Donny decides the Perro choice makes more sense as he can see the dogs right there. Donny decides to navigate and Ali proceeds to get herself completely tangled up with the other bitches. Donny can’t navigate and Ali can’t walk. It’s quite fun to watch. Everyone knows it will only be a matter of seconds before they start “communicating” in their special way. Ali tells Donny he’s stupid, and that he had better figure out where they are supposed to go. Donny says Shut Up a lot. Ali must be getting tired of watching the dogs have sex… yes… yes, they are, because she decides to try the Tango portion of the detour. Once they arrive at the theater they waste no time finding the man on the program and get the next clue. They take a cab to the bus station, where they buy tickets for a bus that needs to make a couple stops along the way. Ali continues to communicate by yelling that Donny is stupid, Donny communicates by yelling that Ali is an embarrassment. I’m pretty sure this was a Big Brother Flashback for Donny. After getting off the bus, they seem pleased with the cab driver, as he’s making great time. Donny will be going after the bandana, which should come as no surprise to anyone. He gets it quickly and he and Ali argue (I mean communicate) their way to the Pit Stop where they arrive…
Marshall and Lance 12:51am
The brothers are excited because they know where they are going. Until they come to a dead end. They make it to the disco, and seem to find some balls. They bust them. Once outside they try to find directions to the ferry. They ask if anyone speaks English (As everyone in Argentina should…right?). A young man says he does and Marshall and Lance go running over to him. This understandably scares the young man, who tries to retreat into the crowd. Marshall and Lance ask for directions, but there isn’t anyone there who knows how to get there. Lance then tells us that all “These people are useless”. That’s not enough, no siree, not for “I’m-not-mean-I-just-tell-it-like-it-is” Lance. He must go on to repeat himself and add a little bit more. “They’re all useless foreigners” HA! It’s like the moon landing. Apparently The Amazing Race is being filmed on a sound stage in western part of THE UNITED STATES. I mean really, how else could the Argentineans be foreigners? I’m onto you guys. Somehow, even without directions, they make it to the Ferry and get tickets for the one leaving at 4:30am. Again I am a little confused. I am pretty sure they got to the right cemetery, but it seemed to take them a while to get there. Perhaps their cabbie didn’t speak English or something. They opt for the Tango and get the dancer on their first try. The brothers hop into a cab and head off for the ranch, unfortunately the cab runs out of gas, and it takes forever for it to refill. They feel like they have lost valuable time. I keep looking in the background to see if I can spot an American landmark. Those producers… they’re pretty clever, I’d swear they were actually in Argentina. Weird. They finally get going again, and decide that Marshall has the quickest hands and feet. There isn’t a lot of footage of the bandana wrangling, but we do hear Marshall tell us that he’s not to much on running. Yeah, we couldn’t figure that out by lookin’ at him. They hop in a carriage and get to the Pit Stop…
Linda and Karen 12:54am
These two have known each other for fifteen years. They get to the disco and find the clue. When they are in the car driving away Linda asks if there are places like that in the United States (This must be the producers trying to throw us off after Lances blunder earlier). Karen informs her that places like that, do indeed exist elsewhere. Linda says “Not in Palmdale”, which gets Karen laughing and agreeing that nothing like that is anywhere near Palmdale. Linda thinks they should open one. Build it and they will come Linda. They get to the correct cemetery just seconds after Charla and Mirna. Now I haven’t done their paragraph yet, but as happens at times, things just overlap, so I will go ahead and tell you that Charla and Mirna are on a truck yelling for the driver to “GO” and take them to Eva’s monument. The driver complies and Linda and Karen are left to find the monument on foot. They are able to laugh about the fact that Charla and Mirna are, and I quote: “kicking our butts”. The Mom’s decide that walking the dogs seems like a good detour to take. After walking the streets, and running into Donny and Ali a few time, they decide they would have better luck with the Tango. It turns out to be only slightly better, as it takes the duo three turns to finally match the photo to the face. Once the cab drops them off at the Road Block it’s up to Karen to grab the bandana. Editing is a wonderful thing, and we know how editors looooove their scissors, but I swear it looked like it took her about 2 minutes to complete the task. This prompts Linda to excitedly yell that Karen has outsmarted a cow. They receive the next clue and head off in the horse drawn carriage. They arrive…
Bob and Joyce 1:05am
Bob lets us know that they are stronger than they look and that the other teams shouldn’t count out the old folks. He then asks Joyce to show us her “guns”… I can’t help but smile. They don’t even open the clue until they give each other a little kiss. I know they get to the disco, and I know they get their clue, but I guess they are just not too “Television Friendly” as I’m pretty sure we only see them for a couple seconds every 20 minutes. We see them get on the 4:30 am Ferry, and we see them decide to take the dogs for a walk, as they both really like dogs. I guess they finish this task without switching, and I feel the need to apologize for the gaps and confusion in this week’s recap. I have decided to blame the editing, as that’s what you do in Reality TV. It’s most likely my fault, but what the hell. The couple takes a Taxi to the ranch, and wastes no time getting the bandana. The two get into the waiting carriage, and head off to see if they are still in the race. They arrive…
Charla and Mirna 1:08am
Mirna wants the other teams to think they are weak. They will show everybody… or rather Charla will show everybody and Mirna will come along for the ride. They start this leg of the race barely in the top tier, but things go from pretty good, to not so great when they have a lot of trouble finding the disco. Mirna points out a woman in a “disco outfit” (Is that what the kids are calling it now-a-days?), she’s standing on the corner, and getting upset that Charla and Mirna want something for free, even if it is just directions. Mirna finally understands that maybe the hooker isn’t the best person to ask, and they get back in the car to search. Once they find the disco the two run onto the dance floor and take a minute to have some fun in the bubbles. They get a ball while having one, and every time I think I am not going to like them because they seem hell bent on not helping anyone, they do something to make me like them. I REALLY enjoy seeing teams take 30 seconds to have a little fun in a place that there is a very good chance they will not get back to…ever. I don’t know if the time it took them to find the disco put them far behind, or if it took them a long time to find the dock, but either way the 4:30 Ferry is pulling away while they are running up. Needless to say we break for commercial at this time. When we return we learn that for some reason the port authorities have decided to have the ferry stop and pick up Charla and Mirna. The other racers are thrilled to see them… if by thrilled I really mean pissed off. Once in Buenos Aires they get to the cemetery with no problems, and enjoy the scenery along the way. Inside the cemetery gates they see a man driving a flat bed truck and Mirna tells him that the little lady can’t make it and they need a ride. Now, I know they said they would use that as a strategy, but it still makes me cringe when they do. If you want to be treated the same, act the same. The driver is willing to take them, and as stated above, willing to leave Linda and Karen behind. This also bothers me as Charla and Mirna have mentioned many times that none of the racers will help them, yet they are unwilling to help any of the racers. Again, it’s fine not to help, but if you don’t help, then don’t complain about not being helped. jeez, Cali, get off the damn soap box already… Sorry. The pair immediately decides to try for the Tango. The first picture is rejected, but they get the clue on the next try. Again they take a few minutes to have fun, and Mirna gets to Tango with a Latin Hottie. They head off for the ranch in a cab. When they read the Road Block and learn the player must have quick hands and feet, they agree that it’s up to Mirna. Charla then adds that maybe she needs quick hands because she’ll have to reach up the cows bum. Holy Crap, did she really think that? This is The Amazing Race, not Fear Factor. Mirna takes a few minutes, but after some encouraging “communicating” from Charla she gets the bandana. The two hop in a carriage and head off for Phil… yes, I believe that is exactly what Mirna is doing, as her crush tends to rival mine… they arrive…
Brandon and Nicole1:13am
Who? Something happened and they arrived…
Alright, there were a few shots of them. Nicole tells us she wants to marry someone exactly…let me repeat: exactly like Brandon She is not sure if he’s the one or not. I’m sure he’s not Nicole, you should marry someone exactly like him though. At the disco there’s a great representative of Argentina on the dance floor trying to show Nicole the traditional “I’m drunk and want to grope you” greeting. Nicole yells for help, but darn it woman, Brandon found a ball, this is important. Luckily the suds have made Nicole slippery and she manages to get away from groping man with out much of a problem. They also get themselves on the 4:30am ferry and are among the ones thrilled to see Charla and Mirna. I will assume they got to the correct cemetery, as they have opted to “Tango”. They receive their next clue on the first try, and race off to the ranch. When they get the clue it’s up to Brandon to prove his quickness (Are you sure you want someone exactly like him?). He is having problems until Nicole yells at him to “Just grab one”… Ahhh, if only he’d been able to think of that earlier. He does “Just grab one” and gets the next clue. They are both elated to learn that the next stop is the Pit Stop where they arrive…
Colin and Christie 1:27am
Texas Butt. Yes, that’s pretty much the first shot we have of this team. They have the clue and are heading up a bunch of steps. The cameraman is focused on Christie’s shorts, which are emblazoned with the word TEXAS. I thought it would be funnier if it said TexASS. Not that I have anything against Christie, I just think that’s funny. I’m weird that way. Christie tells us that they are competitors and they want to win. Imagine that. They get the clue from the disco with out much fanfare, and head off to the port. They too make the 4:30am ferry and grab a cab to the cemetery. They tell the cabbie that they wasn’t Eva Peron’s monument and then tell him the name of the cemetery on the clue. He tells them that is the wrong one and takes them to another cemetery. Of course we know at this point that it was the cabbie that was wrong, and Colin and Christie have to head back and find the right one. Once they get the clue they opt for the Tango and find their guy on the first try. I can’t decide whether I’m liking the bandana tied on the head look for Colin or not. In reality, I just don’t care, but I’m trying to bulk up the paragraph. Next thing I know Colin is in the pen with the cows grabbing a bandana. I have to wonder if he’ll try to keep it, and sport it on his head in next week’s episode. I’m sure I’ll remember to notice, and will happily report back. They get in the carriage, go towards the Pit Stop and arrive…
Chip and Kim 1:28am
They feel the need to remind us that last week they screwed up as much as possible, and that they are still in the race by the grace of God. I hate to break it to them, but even though The Amazing Race is a fantastic show, I don’t think God is doing any maneuvering to keep certain teams in or out. Since they are leaving about the same time as Kami and Karli, they tell the twins to follow them to the disco. The twins agree, but within a block they have been separated (the teams, not the twins as they are not Siamese twins, but regular run of the mill twins). At the disco, a good friend of the groping drunk guy tries to feel up Kim. She doesn’t feel the need to call for help, but takes matters into her own hands, and pushes him away while saying no. You go girl. The married couple, like the teams before them manage to get the 4:30 ferry. They originally wind up at the wrong cemetery, and things are starting to look a lot like last week. Once they do manage to get to Eva Peron’s monument they wisely decide to Tango as their detour. I think they got their dancer on the first try, and they head off for the bus station. Unlike Ali and Donny, Chip and Kim find an express bus that will take them to the town with the ranch non-stop. As I mentioned before, sometimes teams overlap so I am about to spoil a bit of the twins paragraph. They are on the same bus, and both teams see that there is but one taxi when they depart the depot. Chip and Kami bolt for the cab, but Kami makes it into the cab a split second before Chip. This doesn’t stop him from getting in there with her. He refuses to get out until another cab comes as he feels that the twins will gain an advantage if Chip gives them the cab. Once he and Kim are in their own cab they yell at the cabbie to go faster. Now the cows must figure that Chip looks hungry, as they are running from him like their parent bulls run towards the men in Pamplona. Chip finally corners a cow, or rather another player corners him, and Chip grabs the bandana. He and Kim run to the carriage and head for the Pit Stop. They arrive…
Kami and Karli 1:29am
Kami and Karli tell us that they really like Chip and Kim. They are happy to follow their new friends out of the parking lot, and tell Chip and Kim, that they can, in turn, follow the twins to the Disco. As I’ve stated above they get separated (the teams not the… oh wait, I used that one…) and the teams are on their own. Karli complains about Kami’s driving, which prompts Kami to ask her sister if she’s a better driver and navigator. Karli says yeah, and Kami apologizes for forgetting that Karli is perfect. Karli’s response? “No, I’m not perfect, just better”. For some reason I love that response. I have a feeling I won’t be able to use it anytime in the near future though. After driving around for a bit looking for the disco, they finally find some guy in a car, and have him lead them there. They find and pop a ball with a clue and head off for the ferry. Yes, they too make the 4:30 departure. They are sharing their luck with Chip and Kim so of course they get taken to the wrong cemetery too. Eventually they do get to the correct one, and seem to get the clue quickly. I’m sure I heard them say that neither one of them are good with dogs (explaining why they’re not chillin’ with Ali and Donny Ba-Dum-Ching!) but they opt for the Perro detour anyway. Karli trips with the dogs, but takes it in stride. Kami is having a hard time navigating, so she gets a man to lead them to each of the checkpoints. At this point I’m wondering if that’s fair. I was pretty sure that she needed to navigate on her own. Time will tell. With the help of the local they finish the detour and catch the express bus to the Ranch town (anyone figure out yet that I have no idea what town they are in?). If you’ve been reading you know that Kami and Chip have cab ownership problems. Chip does get out, but Kami and Karli are both a little angry and feel as though Chip was playing dirty. Kami does a great job with the cows, and nabs herself a bandana. The twins head for the carriage that takes them to the Pit Stop. They arrive…
Jim and Marsha 1:39am
I love finding out how far apart the teams are when they leave, as you can never really tell when they are checking in. This week there was 49 minutes between first and last place. Jim and Marsha did pretty well for themselves. Marsha comments that she’d like to win just to embarrass the other teams by having a couple of “Gimps” beat them. When did Marsha slash her knee? Did I miss something? Jim thought that the disco foam club was cool and thought it was funny that they needed to go all the way to Uruguay to see one. I can’t help but wonder if Jim would have seen one if there were one in his town. Didn’t strike me as a Jim kind of place. They get to the ferry and SURPRISE, make the 4:30 one like all the others. While on the ferry Linda and Karen tell them that they have to exchange their money, as no one will take American money in Argentina. Jim and Marsha spend a long time in line to change the currency over. They continue to wait in line even as they are commenting that NO OTHER team is with them. They figure they’ve been had. They continue to wait in line. Once in the cab Marsha asks the cabbie if he’d take American Dollars, and Sho ‘Nuff, he would. I am still trying to figure out why the moms did that. It makes no sense, especially if they only told Jim and Marsha… I have no idea if that’s the case or not, I’m just wondering is all. They find the clue at the monument and head off for the Tango Theater where they make quick work of finding their man. The two get a cab to head off for the Roadblock and Marsha must be the Cow Whisperer, either that or the editors are having fun at my expense. She’s in and out of that pen in a flash, and they Dad and Daughter head for the carriage to take them to the Pit Stop, where they arrive…
I’ll list the order and have their starting position in parenthesis.
1. Brandon and Nicole (6)
2. Charla and Mirna (5)
3. Jim and Marsha (10)
4. Linda and Karen (3)
5. Bob and Joyce (4)
6. Colin and Christie (7)
7. Marshall and Lance (2)
8. Chip and Kim (8)
9. Kami and Karli (9)
Meaning that I may have been wrong when I said God didn’t bother maneuvering things for this game… nah, he’s still busy, Ali and Donny just couldn’t cut it. Their communicating got in the way. Ali was pissed, but Donny feels as though this race will redefine his love for Ali. I’m pessimistic because if Ali making out with other guys on Big Brother last year didn’t have him redefining things, then why should this?
Join me next week when I get to recap Phil in a new outfit, and Charla eating something interesting.
Comments? Are they nice? If so email me: firstname.lastname@example.org If you want to be mean you can email me at cali@Idontwannahearit.com