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Thread: Ian Touched Me Last Night (figuratively of course)

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    Soccer Kicks Balls cali's Avatar
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    Ian Touched Me Last Night (figuratively of course)

    I’ve been thinking about this for a good part of the morning. Should I begin another recap with words of dislike directed towards flo? I hate to do it, yet she makes it so easy and tempting. I shall resist the temptation to say once again that her voice causes my head to ache, that her whine makes my ears bleed, that I feel incredibly sorry for Zach. Yes, ladies and gentleman, I will refrain from going into all that yet again! Aren’t you so very proud of me?
    I’ll start this recap by informing everyone that if they want to read comedic lines or insults flung at Teri and Ian, you might as well skip their paragraph. I can’t think of anything to rag on them about this week. It may be the only recap they would want to actually print out to show their family members.

    I’ll give you the run down of the stops first:
    Teams must get from Singapore to Ho Chi Minh City in Vietnam. There, they must find Rex Square and the statue of BAC HO.

    Next, go to the Mekong Delta and find the route marker at the edge of the famous floating market.
    DETOUR easy buy ~ Hard Sell Teams must decide whether to find the one boat in the market that sells Water Coconuts and buy one, or try to sell 40,000 dong (?) (Sorry I just don’t know) worth of fruit. Hard because that equals $2.50 American, but each piece sells for about 6 cents each.

    Go back to Ho Chi Minh City and get to district 1 at the edge of the Saigon river.

    Road Block Teams must choose which one has a strong back and strong legs. That person will have to use a cyclo to pedal the two of them along a marked course and to a ferry, then to the…
    PIT STOP at the Café Thu Thiem.

    Derek and Drew 10:2pm
    They feel as though everyone is out to get them. To be honest with you I can’t figure out why they still think that with the departure of Aaron and Arianne a few legs back. I feel as though it’s a cocky statement, but who knows, they might be right.
    They head away from the pit stop and see a cab waiting there. They go to get in the cab, but the driver informs them that he is waiting for Mr. Ken. The twins try to sidestep the statement, by saying yes, but the cabbie is not fooled. He refuses to let them in. This causes Drew and Derek to berate each other and themselves, for not straight out lying and saying one of them was Mr. Ken. They find some locals with a cell phone, and luckily they allow the twins to call their own cab. While riding to the airport they pass Flo and Zach, and Drew actually mentions that they should have stopped to pick them up. This was a regular cab folks, not some mini van. What brain was Drew thinking with at that point? At the airport they notice there is a flight at 11:30pm, but they are too late, and feel confidant that no other team could have made that flight either. They get a 6am flight out and are happy to realize that all teams have been equalized and will be on the same flight to Ho Chi Minh City.
    They find their way to Rex Square and receive the next clue. Unfortunately, they have a cabbie that obviously hasn’t broken in his car’s engine yet, and refuses to go over 2,000 rpm. They arrive at the detour in the middle of a downpour and decide to go for the easy buy. They are on their boats, with their umbrellas as they pass Ken and Gerard who are headed back to shore. They basically follow Teri and Ian, and buy their own Water Coconut seconds after Teri and Ian buy theirs. They race back to shore to hop into a cab. They arrive back in Ho Chi Minh City and their lovely camera man gets a great shot of the route marker and box, as Derek and Drew allow their cabbie to keep driving. Finally they see the flag that marks the END of the Cyclo route on this side of the river. They hop out of the cab and run around like squirrels in the road looking for the clue box. They wander. They wander some more. They wander and wander as they wonder and wonder what could be going on. They can’t find the box anywhere. They see K&G a couple times. They wander some more. Finally one of them spots Flo on the ferry as it is crossing the river. They decide the clue must be on the other side of the river and they hop on the next ferry. Once they are across the river, they know something is wrong. The see a sign telling them to leave their Cyclo’s “here”. Of course, they have no idea what that means. They step on the mat, only to be told by Phil that they have not yet completed the task. They see Flo, who tells them to cross the river and get the bike. They run to the ferry, and cross again. They get on the bike, I have no idea which one is pedaling, but they make it back across the river and to the pit stop. They arrive….

    Ken and Gerard 10:33pm

    These guys have got it going on. They had the foresight to call not just one cab to pick them up around departure time, but TWO cabs, incase the first one gets hijacked by another team. They wind up taking the second cab and borrow his phone to make reservations at the airport. They get to the airport with little time to spare. Ken hops out and starts running, only to get called back because he hasn’t paid. He did have the money in his hand, and he, Gerard and the cabbie have a good laugh. They tell us that they see Derek and Drew as their main competition, and would like to see them lose this leg. They make the 11:30 flight by seconds and get a 5-hour lead over other teams. Their high is short lived as they find out that the other teams ALL have reservations on the same flight to Ho Chi Minh City. They arrive at Rex Square and head off for the Mekong Delta. When they get out of the cab, the wind is picking up. As they board the boat for “easy Buy” the rain starts coming down. It is pouring, and fruit vendors are covering up their fruit. Ken and Gerard, for the third time in the race, decide to abort the mission, and head back to sell some fruit. They pick up their baskets and head off into the market. They read their clue carefully and notice that they have an unlimited amount of fruit (insert your own Ken joke here please). They sell their baskets as a whole for the bargain price of 10,000 each and keep heading back for more fruit. They are very happy that the locals will buy fruit “From us wacky Americans”. They do a great job selling the fruit, but the time it took to switch detours has hurt them. They get a cab and head off. They see the big flag, but no box. They are asking people if they have seen a box around. Even using a primitive form of sign language to get the point across. Ken is on my team at the next charades party. They are having as much trouble as the twins finding the box. They spot Flo on the Ferry, and start running to get on, but Flo tells them that they need their bike. This causes a perplexed look, which causes Flo to tell them it’s at the beginning of the flags. Zach tells them to follow the flags backwards to the bikes. Gerard is in complete shock when he realizes that Flo actually just gave them critical information. They see Derek and Drew as they head away from the ferry, but pretend that they are still lost and don’t know what to do. Once they find the box Gerard decides to pedal. After being on the bike for a total of 2 seconds Gerard takes a turn a little too fast causing Ken to spill out. A spill reminiscent of Heather, in one of the funniest TAR moments to date. They make it to the ferry and pedal hard to park their bike near the Pit Stop. They run to the mat and await Phil’s words. They arrive…

    Flo and Zach 10:43pm
    They start the leg with Flo yelling at Zach to hurry up. It’s going to be a long night! Zach confides in millions of people when he tells us that “Sometimes Flo screams at people, yells at people. I’m looking forward to never having Flo yell at me again, because I hate the way it feels”. Well, I said he confides, I didn’t say it was something we didn’t already know. They find a cab to get them to the airport, and borrow the cabbies cell phone (which I’m guessing was NOT a T*Mobile phone, or we would have been told) and makes reservations on a 6am flight. Flo then tells him to make reservations for the twins too. Which he does. I wish he’d have pushed the “end” button and just kept talking. As mentioned above, they are on the same flight to Ho Chi Minh City as all other teams. Once there they choose two different lines for customs. Flo gets through first and is yelling (surprise) at Zach to cut in line and go through with her. He refuses and winds up being the last person out of the airport. Again Flo needs to tell Zach what a loser he is. How he has once again cost them the race (um…. Can’t you only cost someone the race once?). She has the nerve to tell him that she doesn’t work hard day and night to be in the front to get screwed because of something so stupid. She whines some more. They get to the clue box at Rex Square, where we can see Flo yank out the last clue. She spends no less than ten minutes of the show whining about how stupid Zach is. I would give the transcript, but I can feel my blood pressure rising, and I don’t think it’s a good idea. I will mention though that she tells Zach he is ignorant and obnoxious. For the record: From The Random House College Dictionary Obnoxious: Objectionable or offensive; Reprehensible Yes… that does describe one of them, it just sure as heck isn’t Zach! She tells him she’s tired of having to scream and override his decisions. This has to be the only time something she said made me laugh out loud. When they arrive at the market it is raining and Flo jumps out and gets under cover, leaving Zach to get out the back packs, which she yells at him for . Then, because we all know there are thousands of ways to get hurt on a riverboat being powered by what looks like a weed whacker, Flo decides it’s best to sell fruit. Zach has to carry the baskets. Why I mention that is beyond me, OF COURSE Zach had to carry the baskets! She’s busy whining, because she doesn’t know whom to sell too. Perhaps she doesn’t see the thousands of people walking around. She grabs some money, and says: “OK, I think that’s enough Yes, SHE said it. Then when she finds out they are 500 short of the 40,000 mark, she…. Yells at Zach. They hop in a cab and head off for the Road Block. They see the Flag, and the box. Zach does the pedaling. Doh! She has to yell at him not to kill her while she’s riding in the front. He follows the flags and gets onto the ferry. This is when they tell Ken and Gerard about the bikes. They cross the river and ride their bike to the designated parking place to head off for the Pit Stop. They do see Derek and Drew and tell them they are on the wrong side of the river. Flo and Zach arrive…

    Teri and Ian 10:45pm
    Ian tells us that he’s 50 years old. He served in the military in Vietnam and has mixed emotions about heading back. They find Ken and Gerard’s first cab, the one that the twins unsuccessfully tried to hijack. They ask the cabbie for a ride to the airport and the cabbie says sure. He’s the Number 1 cabbie! They run into Flo, Zach, Derek and Drew at the airport, where they learn that Flo and Zach actually made reservations for Derek and Drew. Ian internalizes this information, and then remarks that it’s a big mistake. These two wind up on a 6:50am flight, but of course are equalized and get a flight with all the remaining teams to Ho Chi Minh City. While in the cab to Rex Square he reflects upon his time in ‘Nam. He is quiet and thoughtful. I’ve never liked him more. They get the clue and head off. Some how they wind up with another cabbie who is “number 1 cabbie”. While driving past the many fields, he wonders out loud if there are any more land mines buried there. He Talks about the 58,000 Americans and hundreds of thousands of Vietnamese people who died here. Comments that those “men didn’t die in vain that died for America. Sad but true” They pass the twins in the cab, and are feeling good. Any stress that has caused him to act up in previous legs is knocked away by what is really important. They decide to go for the easy buy and as they are in the boat heading out, the rain is torrential. They pass Ken and Gerard, who are on their way back in and wave. They find the coconut and head back to shore. When they arrive they get yet another “number 1 cabbie” and head back to the city. Teri spots the Route Marker flag and they decide that Ian will be the one riding the cyclo. They have absolutely no problem following the marked route and get to the ferry quickly. Ian comments that he loves the Vietnamese culture, and it’s people. He loves that they are embracing him, and has good feelings about the way things are going for the country. After riding the ferry (With many more “number 1’s”) Teri spots the continued trail and they head off. They park the Cyclo, and run to the mat. Ian stops short, waits for Teri and bows for her to go in front of him. They stand side by side and hold hands as they jump onto the mat.
    They arrive…


    PIT STOP

    1. Teri and Ian (who also win a European Cruise)
    2. Flo and Zach (In spite of Flo, not because of her)
    3. Ken and Gerard (Who have worked hard)
    4. Derek and Drew (Who are, of course Philiminated)

    I absolutely loved seeing this side of Ian. He is still not my favorite person in the world, and I don’t take back the things I’ve said in the past, but it’s good to know he can be a nice caring individual after all!

    To contact the author of this article please email: cali@fansofrealitytv.com
    "Rice is great when you're hungry and want 2,000 of something' -- Mitch Hedberg

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    Combat Missions Fan Wolf's Avatar
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    Great recap, Cali!


    D&D : They wander and wander as they wonder and wonder what could be going on.

    K&G: Even using a primitive form of sign language to get the point across. Ken is on my team at the next charades party.


    She has the nerve to tell him that she doesn’t work hard day and night to be in the front to get screwed because of something so stupid. She tells him she’s tired of having to scream and override his decisions.
    Flo is so freakin' dilusional. She hasn't done a thing to get them this far in the race. It's been Zach all the way!!!!

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    Starbucks is your friend Bill's Avatar
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    Great recap Cali!

    "George Oscar Bluth II, aka GOB, featured magician in the best selling videotape, "Girls With Low Self Esteem" invites you to enter his world.
    -- Arrested Development, Season III

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    Ken's cookie! KylieGrant's Avatar
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    Cali! Great job.

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    LG.
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    Super job, Cali. Hard to believe the series is coming to an end and there are so few teams left to track now. My favorite part:
    When they arrive at the market it is raining and Flo jumps out and gets under cover, leaving Zach to get out the back packs, which she yells at him for . Then, because we all know there are thousands of ways to get hurt on a riverboat being powered by what looks like a weed whacker, Flo decides it’s best to sell fruit. Zach has to carry the baskets. Why I mention that is beyond me, OF COURSE Zach had to carry the baskets!
    Help fight cystic fibrosis or just learn more about it at the cystic fibrosis foundation website, www.cff.org and help give my little guy a better future.

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    For Your Entertainment lobeck's Avatar
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    Excellent job, Cali! I agree with you re: Ian...I won't take back anything I've said in the past about him, but I really enjoyed watching him (and Teri, of course) last night.

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    COMBAT MISSIONS junkie! BravoFan's Avatar
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    Cali

    A few of my faves.

    They hop out of the cab and run around like squirrels in the road looking for the clue box.
    ***
    After being on the bike for a total of 2 seconds Gerard takes a turn a little too fast causing Ken to spill out
    ***
    Flo jumps out and gets under cover, leaving Zach to get out the back packs, which she yells at him for .
    "They can only edit what you give them. They cannot manufacture a fictional character out of thin air." (Bill Rancic - 4/04)
    Regarding editing reality TV: "You can't edit IN a bad personality." ("Cali"-11/02)
    BB8 - A "conveyor belt of human garbage." ("Pono" - 9/07)

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    The race is back! John's Avatar
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    Cali, excellent job! I love it....But this particular line made me laugh out loud (and before I've finished my first cup of coffee, which is no easy feat):

    (um…. Can’t you only cost someone the race once?)

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    Just curious, Cos im a new TAR fan- do they do like reunions ala' survivor? cos i'd like to see if flo and zach are still friends/as good as they use to be?

    thanks

    jenny
    icq me- 28143556

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    The race is back! John's Avatar
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    They don't do a reunion show for TAR, unfortunately. But I will be sure to ask Zach and Flo if they are still friends when I interview them next Thursday - you can read it here.

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