Would you like the good news or the bad news first? Good? Okay. The good news is that Starr’s arm isn’t broken, she’s just banged up a little and is good to go with a few bandages on her boo-boos after her spill last week. The bad news? All that hype over Terence getting pulled by the cops was just that - hype. Here I was, hoping to see him get yanked out of the car, frisked, cavity searched, and flung in a New Zealand jail for being wussier than should be allowed by law. But nooo, it all amounted to about five seconds of airtime and a few minutes of him whining about the situation. What a gyp.
Here’s a fine way to start the show - with Ken and Tina checking out the details of their seven day trip to Rio de Janeiro on the internet, squealing with excitement. Rub it in, guys. Thanks. Tina has even drawn her eyebrows on at a happy angle to celebrate, and I wonder how long that’s going to last. I’m guessing the good times will last only as long as they keep winning. Our dysfunctional duo is the first to leave this week at the lovely hour of 6 am, discovering they must take another butt-numbing flight to Siem Reap, Cambodia. They grab their 98 bucks for this leg and off they go, Ken getting in the wrong side of the car as Tina laughs.
Well, so much for the happy eyebrows. In their first confessional of the evening, Ken happily says that they’re having so much fun and wonders what an “old man and an old woman are doing out here...” Tina’s face falls to the floor and she mutters “Speak for yourself.” The look she gave him must have dropped the ambient temperature a good 20 degrees. Pull that foot out of your mouth, Ken, and be prepared to sleep alone tonight. You sure ain’t getting any later on.
Leaving about two hours later, Terence continues to skeeve me out my referring to himself in the first person. Ick. He’s hoping that the rest of the Race will be physical, and - oooo! - everyone better watch out, because he’ll be unstoppable. Unless someone tramples upon his widdle feelings, or he runs out of hair gel.
Which is exactly what happens next. No, not a shortage of hair gel. As Tina tries to finagle a good flight at the airport, Terence gets pulled over for doing 17 Kph over the speed limit. He’s all apologetic to the officer, gets his ticket, and continues on. Sarah nonchalantly says “I always thought you were a slow driver,” trying to lighten the mood. He snaps “You’re such an ass. Is that how you comfort someone who just got a speeding ticket?!” She apologizes, instead of whacking the piss out of him with the map like I would have. This little incident will come back to bite them later at the end of this leg.
God's Little Bitchy Gifts
Lots of time spent at the airport this episode. Ken and Tina nab seats on the first flight, with Terence and Sarah barely making it on the same plane, having to run to the terminal as Terence the running coach chides Sarah for “always beating me out of the gate.” Honestly, who would hire this guy?
More fun with the frats on the way to the airport: Dan snickers at Andrew for not knowing where Cambodia is, as Andrew retorts that he “didn’t go to pansy private school like Dan did.” A laugh a minute, these guys. So are divorcees Kelly and Christy, who sit five feet away from Toni and Dallas at the ticket counter, giggling over Dallas’ “Teen Wolf hair” like a couple of high school girls. Somewhere, their ex-husbands are pointing at the TV and saying “See? See?! That’s what I had to put up with.” Dallas says the two snotty women “irk his last nerve” and think they’re God’s gift to the planet.
The rest of the teams get on a second flight to Cambodia (Andrew and Dan barely make it) with the exception of Aja and Ty, who leave a full nine hours behind Ken and Tina. Ouch. At least they keep in good spirits, as Ty confides that even though they have their problems, he “wouldn’t trade Aja for a Porsche.” A Lamborghini, perhaps, but not a Porsche. She cuts her eyes at him and shakes her head. If you ever catch up to Ken, Ty, you might be sleeping on the floor next to him.
Of course, the connecting flight to Siem Reap bunches all the teams up again (except for Aja and Ty). Got to love an equalizer. Not.
We Want to Pump...You Up!
Once they land at Siem Reap, confusion reigns supreme. The frats stand stupidly on the road, not knowing how to hail a cab. Did they not teach that at pansy private school, either? Dallas and Toni’s driver takes them to a hotel instead of the specific gas filling station they’re looking for. And Kelly and Christy’s driver drops them off at a regular old gas station. Christy runs into the foul-looking bathroom in search of a cluebox, finding nothing but a playground for hepatitis virii.
Eventually, they all bumble their way to the correct filling station. All they have to do is use an old hand cranked pump to push 25 liters of diesel into a truck’s tank. You’d think it’d be easy, right? It is, for most teams. You just had to crank the crap out of the handle, which they all figured out quickly. Except for Andrew, who cranks the handle like someone’s 90 year old grandma and gets no fuel in the pump. Dan fusses at him not to crank like a baby, and they wander around to watch the others. “There’s no trick to it, guys,” says Ken. “It’s just like pulling the zipper down and letting it flow.” A disgusted Dan steps up and cranks the hell out of it, showing Andrew how it’s done. They leave last.
Aja and Ty are just now landing in Cambodia, and she declares it “hotter than Satan’s toenails.” That’s pretty damn hot. And they’re still pretty damn far behind.
Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Starr
Teams now hop in the freshly fueled trucks and speed off to Siem Reap Harbor in search of a floating restaurant. It’s refreshing to see them actually having fun as the trucks play leap-frog, taking turns passing each other as the teams holler and cheer them to go faster. Nick and Starr end up in first place, putting a little distance between them and the other teams. Starr begins to worry that they’re lost, making her driver stop so she can ask for directions. Bad move. They were on the right road, and the others speed by, causing Nick and Starr to drop to fourth place as they scramble to get going again. Oops.
The teams now board boats to take them to the floating restaurant, Kho Andeth. Nick and Starr’s boat passes up Ken and Tina’s, and she exclaims “Gosh dang them. Turkey lips!” Turkey lips? Speaking of, the boat carrying Terence and Sarah blows a gasket, breaking down within sight of the restaurant. I can’t say I’m too heartbroken over that, as Terence is forced to use a pole to push the boat through the muddy water. He’s really going to need some cuddle time after the day he’s having.
Awaiting the teams at Kho Andeth is a Detour: Village Life or Village Work. They can either wade out and drag a few fish traps back, filling a basket with squiggly fish, or do a series of tasks including retrieving a doll from a tailor, a set of fake teeth from the village dentist, and making a basket in the local basketball court. The whole village floats. Very cool.
Nick and Starr, Toni and Dallas, and the frats choose “work” and gather the fish while the others participate in village life. Tina can’t make a basket to save her life, and Kelly and Christy once again show off their profound reading skills by getting all confused over the tasks/clues/life in general. Terence’s boat finally gets fixed and they’re on their way.
Teams are now off to another place I’d love to see: Angkor Wat, an enormous, beautiful temple that has become the symbol of Cambodia. It’s the largest religious structure in the world, and they must hunt down a tiny echo chamber hidden somewhere within the temple for this Roadblock. Nick finds it first, thumping his chest to hear the echo and grabbing one of the bas-relief sculpture clues, smartly hiding it under his shirt as he leaves and playing dumb to the other teams. Tina actually finds the chamber but walks in and out of it several times before realizing where she was. I guess the sculpture clues lining the walls didn’t help her out.
Off they go to the Pit Stop at Bayon Temple, and here’s how they ended up:
1st - Nick and Starr, winning a romantic trip for two to St. John, complete with champagne dinner. Er, okay. That won’t be weird at all for the brother and sister team.
2nd - Toni and Dallas. Yay for them.
3rd - Terence and Sarah. Maybe. See below.
4th - Ken and Tina. The eyebrows are only at half-mast for this finish.
5th - Kelly and Christy. Couldn't believe they finished so poorly. Believe it, girls.
6th - Andrew and Dan. Come on. You can do better.
Philiminated - Aja and Ty
Aja and Ty take the news well, pledging their love for each other. Ty says he’s moving to be with Aja and she calls him the most beautiful man she’s ever known. Aww. Phil also informs us that Terence and Sarah incurred a 30 minute penalty for getting a speeding ticket - on CBS’s site they have them listed as 5th place instead of 3rd, so we’ll have to wait and see how that plays out. Meanwhile, I’m still trying to figure out why Christy was so indignant when Phil told them they were 5th. Thinking you’re awesome racers and actually being awesome racers are two different things, ladies.
Next week: Dallas “The Teen Wolf” hits on Starr, who sorta kinda maybe likes him back, and Ken finally gets tired of Tina’s shrewish bitching and blows up on her. Or so the editors have led us to believe. We’ll find out next week - see you then!