What’s better than an episode of The Amazing Race with an animal-related task? Why, an episode of the Amazing Race with two animal-related tasks, of course. It's a veritable zoo this season, complete with unhappy donkeys, kicky camels, and now some feathered friends and cute baby goats. (Never mind that they were headed for someone's dinner table.) And I think I even spotted one of those red-butted baboons. Oh, wait, nevermind. That was just Jennifer.
What the Cluck?
The eight remaining teams start back up at last week’s Pit Stop, the rockin’ town of Bingo. I still have that damn song stuck in my head (and Bingo was his name-o! Grr!). Leaving first at 7:58 am are Azaria and Hendekea. They rip open their clue telling them to find the tribal chief, who will give them their next clue and a customary gift of generosity. Ooh, presents! Not so ooh is the fact that they get no moolah for this leg of the race. Hope they have some snacks tucked away for later.
So, what is this gift? It’s a chicken. Which they must place in a bag after catching it themselves. And then they must carry said chicken to the Pit Stop - no chicken, no check-in, says Rachel, who giggles “Yay, we get to keep a pet with us!” The chickens, however, don’t look too pleased with life, having been unceremoniously stuffed in a macrame-looking bag (did Vyxsin make these?) and toted to the waiting taxis by the teams. Say, just where did all these taxis come from, anyway? This place isn’t exactly Grand Central. Phil must have been feeling generous this week. I’d have made them ride camels or something.
Anyhoo, they all nab a chicken fairly quickly - grandpa Donald just grabs one by the neck and bags him! - and learn that they must travel by taxi over 100 miles to Bouda Peletanga. Once again, most of them mangle the pronunciation. Shana, who looked too terrified to touch the chicken and left it up to Jennifer, decides to name theirs Phil because they both have “spiky hair.” I’m sure he’s honored. Not. The teams all arrive in Bouda Peletanga and race across a field in search of their next clue. Except for Hendekea, who has to make a pit stop of a different kind, running for the bathroom. Azaria sighs in exasperation. Hey, when nature calls, buddy.
Dance Dance Revolution
The teams find the clue and discover that the next task is a Detour: Shake Your Booty or Shake Your Pan. In Pan, teams must choose a gold mining pit, and scoop muddy slop from the bottom to find one ounce of gold. In Booty, they do just that - learn a traditional local dance, and perform it for three judges. If the judges like it, the team gets the next clue. If not, they incur a ten minute penalty for sucking. Nate and Jen got there first (because Hendekea took a pee break) and since Jen fancies herself such a wonderful dancer, they choose Booty.
They shouldn’t have. After watching the demonstration, Nate and Jen perform a dorky, discombobulated mess that looked like a cross between stomping grapes and an epileptic fit. The judges (who Jason later compares to Paula, Randy, and Simon of American Idol) aren’t impressed at all. Well, “Paula” gives it a lukewarm okay, but “Randy” says they had no creativity. “I just wasn’t feeling it, dawg!” Simon is strangely quiet. He must have been sipping from Paula's cup. Jen is aghast that they dissed her dance, and pouts off to wait her ten minute penalty. TK and Rachel take a look at the dance, say “nuh-uh!” and head off to mine gold instead. Azaria and Hendekea perform the dance (badly, in my opinion) but the judges gave it three thumbs up, sending them on their way as Jen fumes.
Ronald and Christina decide to shake some booty, and ol’ Ron does pretty damn good for a dude with a hernia. They do some booty bumping as the onlooking children laugh, but the judges didn’t like it. “Too pitchy, dawg,” says Randy, and gives them a penalty. Kynt and Vyxsin are up next, and while I’m sure the townspeople didn’t know what to make of the hot pink Goths, they loved their creativity. Vyxsin got down with her sticks while Kynt did some kind of ninja-twirly rave thing with his - very fun to watch. Three thumbs up from the judges. Kynt confesses that while they probably look like “aliens that dropped out of the sky” to the Africans, the people there have been nothing but warm and kind to them. Aww.
Up next is Shana and Jennifer, and I’m speechless at their, um, “dance.” They do some sort of mud crawling, hip grinding, pole dancing crap that looks straight out of Club Hoochie. No class. No class at all. The judges disagree with me, however, and give Team Bimbo their next clue. Foo.
Meanwhile, Nicolas and Donald have gone off to mine gold, since Donald has experience in this, too. Is there anything he hasn’t done? Sheesh. Donald tells Nic to wash the mud off the grit with some water, which makes the gold bits easier to find. Too bad TK and Rachel didn’t think of this, as they pick through the muddy glop, trying to spot the gold without much success. Rinse it off, people!
Getting Your Goat
Teams must now travel on foot and find the Pelegtanga Market for their next clue. Caution: U-Turn ahead! A new thing to piss teams off, a U-Turn gives the opportunity for one team to force another back to the previous Detour, where they must complete the task they didn’t choose. Azaria and Hendekea get to it first, but choose not to use it. Nate and Jen decide to pass it by, also, because Jen wants to “win the Race like frickin’ men!” Uh...okay. Everybody passes on the U-turn until Shana and Jennifer get there. They choose to U-turn Jason and Lorena, who are so far behind it’s not funny. The blondes seem to have thought the team they saw off in the distance was Jason/Lorena, but it was actually TK and Rachel. Oops. They U-turned the last place team. To her credit, Jennifer didn’t want to do it, but Shana pushed. “It’s part of the game,” she said. “They’ll understand.” Yeah, right.
Opening the clue at the U-turn, teams must now proceed to the Tampouy Goat Market and follow directions once there. This is a Roadblock - one person must load up a bike with way too many supplies, including a cute little goat. They must deliver all of this to another market and a specified vendor for their next clue. Azaria and Hendekea finish the roadblock first, with Nate and Jen hot on their heels. They rush off to the Pit Stop, traveling by taxi to the Hotel de Ville, home to the mayor’s office. And don’t forget your chicken.
Vyxsin has trouble loading her bike up, but eventually gets underway and gets some help from neighborhood kids as she marvels at the mountains of trash she must make her way through. She later bursts into tears talking about the living conditions and things she’s seen there. Goths have hearts, too! Loading up her bike, Shana is afraid that her baby goat will bite her (sic her!) but Jennifer shares her wisdom that goats “don’t bite, they ram you.” I lose brain cells every time these two speak. Shana manages to finish about the same time Rachel does, but Rachel gets lost on some back streets and loses time. Imagine that.
Way back in the back somewhere, Jason and Lorena are just making it to the U-turn box, and discover that the blondes used it on them. Lorena is pissed. They go off to mine the gold, but manage to keep a decent attitude about it. They keep getting confessionals about how they’re not giving up, they’re still in it....yeah. Never mind that sound off in the distance, it’s just Taps, playing for Jason and Lorena.
Once the chicken check-in is all over, the teams placed as follows:
1st – Azaria and Hendekea, who beat Nate and Jen by a fraction of a second, winning a pair of motor scooters.
2nd – Nathan and Jennifer, who really pisses me off by squawking at Azaria and Hendekea for not letting her get first place, since they’ve had it three times. Sense of entitlement, much?
3rd – Ronald and Christina
4th – Nicolas and Donald
5th – Kynt and Vyxsin
6th – Shana and Jennifer
7th – TK and Rachel
Dead last – Jason and Lorena
They pretty much knew they were toast on the way to the Pit Stop, as Lorena started crying and Jason comforted her, saying that they’ll find another way to make a million, and money doesn’t make you rich. When they finally get to Phil, he asks them what’s in store for the future: Lorena claims that while marriage is still important to her, she’s not in such a rush now. Jason opines that while he loves Lorena, there’s something “confining” in a marriage, and there’s a deeper love when you’re “free.” Yeah, don’t expect that ring anytime soon, girl.
Next week: Ronald busts his behind after falling off some stilts, and Shana and Jennifer get snippy with each other. Oh, and they preview a big bus headed straight for the blondes as they sit in their car. I think I saw Lorena behind the wheel.
What kind of critters would you like to see? PM me at waywyrd@fansofrealitytv