Everybody was kung-fu fighting
Those cats were fast as lightning
In fact it was a little bit frightening
But they fought with expert timing
One of the coolest (and cheesiest) songs ever. Except when it gets stuck in your head all day at work, that is. After the 137th replay in your head, it starts to get quite old. Much like Mirna’s never-ending, condescending squawking. Yeah, I had to throw a Mirna insult in there. Sue me. In case you haven’t guessed, the remaining four teams will be jetting off to China for this leg of the race. Will Eric and Danielle retaliate for being yielded? Will Danny stop for lemonade again? Will Mirna suddenly acquire a phony Chinese accent? Let’s find out.....
Ancient Chinese Secret
The always adorable Phil starts us off at last week’s Pit Stop in Malaysia, looking very nice in red and black, might I add. *ahem* Anyhow, Dustin and Kandice are first to leave this time at 12:28 am, opening their clue to find that they must fly over 1,500 miles to Hong Kong and then travel 22 miles by taxi to Sun Wah Kiu Laundry, where they will get their next clue. Dustin and Kandice know that Eric and Danielle have crossed them off their Christmas card list after getting Yielded by the blondes, but they don’t care. It’s a race, people!
Charla and Mirna take off next, at 1:29 am. Mirna informs us that they’ve coined a new phrase: “Yield karma.” They’ve still got their panties in a wad because the dirty pirate hookers, Dustin and Kandice, dared to use the Yield to get ahead in the race. Apparently, in Mirna’s World, teams aren’t supposed to use the tools given to them in the race to gain position. Mirna thinks that it’s dirty play, and she says “we’re going to bring on the muscles.” Pointing to her head, she says “this is the muscle we’re going to use the most.” The jokes just write themselves with these two.
Eric and Danielle leave at 1:50 am, and yeah, they’re still pissed about being Yielded. Eric tells us that if he has the opportunity to get the blondes back, he will. Danielle agrees. I have a totally unrelated question here: does this girl own one single shirt that covers those boobs up? Just wondering. Anyway, Oswald and Danny are the last to leave at 2:19 am. Ozzy is worried about money after Danny spent most of what they had to buy all of the newspapers last time. They only get $88 for this leg of the race, and he knows that won’t go very far.
Dirty Looks And Dirty Tricks
The teams all make their way to Kuala Lumpur Airport to try and book a flight. They soon discover that the best two flights, an 8 am on China Airlines and a 9:15 am flight on Malaysian Airlines, are both booked solid. The blondes and Eric and Danielle end up on the same elevator in the airport, and Danielle gives her best eat-crap-and-die look to the beauty queens. They pay her no attention. The Malaysia office opens at 4 am, and the China Air office opens at 5 am. The blondes park their behinds outside the Malaysia office to wait, hoping to get on standby. Danny and Oswald wander down a hall and find the staff room for Malaysia, which is open. A man there puts them on the wait list. Danny exclaims to Ozzy “You are my hero!” as they do a little dance down the hall.
Meanwhile, the regular office has opened, and the blondes file in along with Eric and Danielle. The blondes get second on the standby list and leave, as Eric and Danielle make fun of them. They end up third on the Malaysian list. Danny and Ozzy head off to the China Air staff office, and Mirna and Charla join them. They sit and wait until an employee shows up to open the office, and they all ambush the poor guy, trying to get on the China standby list. He tries to tell them to go upstairs and wait, but they badger him into letting them inside. He looks terrified, to be honest. As he checks the computer, Mirna tells him to kick some people off the flight to make room for them. What happened to no dirty tricks, Mirna? Of course, he refuses, and puts them all on standby.
The Standby Fairy Doesn’t Like Us
Downstairs, Dustin and Kandice discover that the two teams somehow got on the list before them, and they have to settle for third. Eric and Danielle get fourth, and whine about it. They all go to the counter to complain. Mirna sees the blondes trying to persuade the clerk, and sends Ozzy to stop it. He assures them that they were waiting, too, and didn’t “bamboozle” them out of their spots. Dustin still isn’t placated. They walk off, and Mirna pounces on Eric: “We have been screwed over too many times by the giggly, bubbly girls.” She tells Eric that “whatever it takes,” they will all work together to get the blondes out. Eric agrees. But hey - ganging up on one team isn’t playing dirty at all, right Mirna?
Lucky Danny and Oswald end up getting seated on the China flight, and give their standby code for Malaysia to Mirna and Charla, as they had promised earlier. Danielle gets upset, and asks what should they do. “Go stand in a puddle, and drop your hair dryer and kill ourselves,” is Eric’s reply. Yeah, that’s the spirit. Jackass. While they pout, the blondes and Schmirna run to the Malaysian counter to try and get seats. They end up arguing about who was first on the list (the blondes were), and Mirna calls them the “Yield queens.” The blondes laugh it off, saying “we can make a beauty queen sandwich out of her.” Mirna may not go for that, but I’m sure there’s plenty of guys out there that would. Both teams end up on the Malaysia flight anyway, with Eric and Danielle left out in the cold. They were too busy trying to exchange some freakin’ money instead of fighting for seats. They get stuck on a flight arriving in Hong Kong at 3:20 pm, way behind the others.
Oswald and Danny arrive first in Hong Kong, taking a taxi to the Laundry. Danny has to talk the driver into a discounted fare, though, since he blew most of their money. They open their clue to read:
So, they get another Fast Forward, and take off to the film set. Oswald is freaking out a little bit, but Danny is excited to be part of the stunt. “If I wet these pants, it’s the only clean pair that I brought” says Oswald. Danny giggles. Meanwhile, Mirna and Charla and Dustin and Kandice have arrived, and they all head to the Laundry. Charla busts out her secret Wheely shoes, as Mirna pulls her through the airport. Mirna gets to the Laundry second, and they must choose between two Detour tasks:
- Fast Forward: teams must travel five miles to a film set and get in a car with a pro stunt driver while he performs a stunt sequence. Basically, they have to sit in the back while the driver purposely wrecks the car with them in it. Awesome.
- Detour: Kung Fu Fighting or Lost in Translation. In Kung Fu Fighting, teams must go five miles to Tonkin Street and find a certain building. They then have to climb an 11-story bamboo scaffold while avoiding a bunch of Kung Fu stuntmen as they swing and kick all over the wall. In Lost in Translation, teams have to travel four miles to Kowloon City and find Nga Tsin Wai Road. They then must search for a sign that matches the one in their clue among hundreds of very similar-looking signs. Yeah, I’d pick Kung Fu.
Make Love, Not War
Dustin and Kandice choose Kung Fu, while Charla and Mirna can’t make up their minds. Their taxi driver looks thoroughly disgusted. They finally decide to do the Kung Fu, and all four climb the lattice with little difficulty. The blondes have fun as they climb, with Dustin giving a few pretend karate kicks to the “fighters,” but of course Mirna yaks the whole way up. “I hope I don’t get kicked in the head.” “Enough fighting, we want to make love, not war!” Ugh. I have to give Charla credit, she monkeyed right up the wall without too much trouble. Meanwhile, Danny and Oswald make it through the stunt - Ozzy kept his eyes shut the whole time as the driver flipped the van on its side. I’m guessing he’s not a roller coaster fan, either. They grab the clue directing them to the Hong Kong Jockey Club, the Pit Stop for this leg.
At the top of the Kung Fu wall, the blondes open their clue to find that they must take the Star Ferry to Hong Kong Island, then travel by taxi four miles to the old police headquarters. In case you’re wondering, Eric and Danielle are just arriving in Hong Kong. Mirna confuses the taxi driver once again, and he takes them to the wrong island. They end up riding the ferry all the way around the bay to get to the correct island. Duh.
Arriving at the old police headquarters, Dustin and Kandice find a Roadblock. They must kick down doors until they find the room with the next clue. Kandice jumps all over it, kicking down doors with ease. She finds the clue telling them to drive themselves to Victoria Park, where they must pull a model junk (boat) with a gnome across the water without dumping the little guy into the water. They do so, and get the last clue to the Pit Stop.
Charla has decided to do the door-kicking too, since she says she has strong legs and likes to kick things. Hmm. I’d pay good money for her to kick her cousin in the shin. Mirna bellows instructions from below, and Charla finally finds the clue. They hop in the car and take off. Eric and Danielle are quickly catching up as Mirna gets lost in rush hour traffic, though. Well, they were catching up, until Eric got lost. To his credit, he was trying to read the map and drive at the same time. But he refused to follow a cab like Danielle wanted. Why wonderboobs couldn’t read the map while he drove, I don’t know. The sun sets, both teams find the park and pull the boat across, and they head off to the Pit Stop with their gnomes in tow....
They finished in this order:
1st – Oswald and Danny, who win the big travel package for this season: a trip back to Hong Kong for the Chinese New Year celebrations. Yay them.
2nd – Dustin and Kandice. Not bad, says Phil. Hmm.
3rd – Charla and Mirna, who aren't eliminated only because Eric and Danielle are even better at getting lost.
4th – Eric and Danielle, who really need to go away.
And once again, this is a non-elimination leg! Just how many of these damn things are we going to have this season, anyway? So Eric and Danielle get the 30 minute penalty, and we get the usual speech about how they’re going to suck it up and try harder. Forget that hair dryer comment, now they want to race! Meh. Next week the teams get another Yield to play with, two teams pair up to try and get rid of another team, and Charla runs around the top of some building. See you then!
I wish Phil would give me a big package. PM your comments right here.