I love my husband. I feel the need to announce that because what I am about to say may shock some of you.
He isn’t a fan of the Amazing Race.
Don’t get me wrong now. He’ll watch, he’ll laugh, and he’ll even pick a favorite. I guess what I mean is he isn’t as obsessed as I am. That is why he was astonished when the last team was announced and he saw Ali. His reaction echoed ours here at the FoRT weeks ago: What The Hell Is She Doing There? So to honor my husband who puts up with my
Phil KeoghanAmazing Race obsession I have made that the title of this weeks recap. Too bad seeing Ali made my husband go to bed early. I really don’t like her.
I write my recaps the same way every year. I realize some people may prefer to read a recap written in chronological order. That’s just not the way I do it. Some people like my way, and I’d like to say that they are the reason I recap each team one at a time all the way through each episode. I’d like to say that, but I’d be lying. I do it because it’s easier for me. ME ME ME ME ME… sorry, I was channeling Ali. I’ll try to stop doing that.
It is important that all first time CaliCap readers take note here. I am fully aware of the fact that what I am seeing has been edited. I do not know any of these people. I see what the producers want me to see. They are characters in a television show. I get it.
I will make fun of them.
Deal with it.
With my limited pre-knowledge of Ali I will make even more fun of her.
Let the recap begin!
As in the past I will start with what I call the particulars of the game:
In the premier episode all racers will start on the docks in Santa Monica. Teams must drive themselves to the airport (LAX… what the hell is the “X” for?) and get on one of two flights to Uruguay, either an American Airlines flight that leaves earlier and has room for only four teams, or an United Airlines flight that leaves about ½ an hour later and has seats available for the remaining seven teams. The fun little kicker here is that the American Airlines flight has a longer layover and will reach the destination later.
Once in Uruguay teams must find “The Hand” located 75 miles from the airport near some of the roughest waters around. The Hand represents the last thing you will see of a drowning victim. That’s pleasant.
At The Hand, they receive a clue telling them to proceed to Gorriti Island by ferry for the next clue.
Once on the island the teams must search for Ferry Tickets that have been attached to trees. There are three ferries leaving in the morning. One at 8am, one at 8:30am and one at 9am. Once the team chooses a ticket they must keep it.
After returning to the port they learn that they must carry a 55lb side of beef from the Jose Francisco Gonzales meat warehouse in Maldonado to a butcher one half mile away. The butcher will give them the next clue as payment for the beef. On the way to the butcher we are introduced to The Yield which, in my opinion should be called The Stop as if a team uses it they can force any team they choose to STOP and wait for the sand to run out of an hour glass before proceeding. Once a team uses The Yield they cannot use it again.
The Butchers clue tells teams to look for the route marker across the street from the blue and white hotel.
This clue holds the Chips or Zip Detour. Teams choosing Chips must go to the casino in the hotel and play roulette. They may only play five of their twenty chips per spin of the wheel, and will only get the next clue when they win. If the team never wins they must then do the alternate detour. If the team chooses Zip they take the elevator to the seventeenth floor of the hotel, walk up one more flight and onto a rooftop eighteen stories above the ground where they must pull themselves across a horizontal zip line hand over hand while attached by a pulley. When they arrive at the second stop they will take the traditional zip line down eighteen floors into a pool and receive the next clue.
That clue sends the teams to Phil… lucky SOB’s… and the Pit Stop located ten miles away at Casa Pueblo.
This week I will recap the teams in the order in which they were introduced. In the rest of my recaps I will recap them in the order they leave the Pit Stop.
Brandon and Nicole
Wow, I know these two were in this episode as I remember laughing at the fact that Brandon held a “Pose” while driving to the airport. His left index finger held diagonally across his lips, his thumb across his chin in a loose “gun” formation. He stared intensely at the road and I laughed my patootie off. I’m pretty sure that the next time we see them they are arguing because Brandon wants to walk to the ferry while other teams are taking taxi’s. This upsets Nicole; she’s Miss Texas for crying out loud. Why the hell would he not listen to her? Of course this pair winds up getting tickets on the 9am ferry putting them with the last group. Please keep reading, I swear other teams get more coverage, and the recap will get better. Anyhoodle, Brandon carries the beef. No big surprise there. They find the next clue and decide to ZIP. Nicole goes first, and while Brandon is zipping down she tells us to, and I quote: “WOO HOO Look at that butt”. I try, really. I know it’s my job as a recapper to get all the important things. The sad fact is that Brandon has no Butt to look at. The duo hops in a cab and head off for the Pit Stop, where they arrive…
Kami and Karli
Ahh, the twins. I was so worried about being able to tell them apart. I’m pretty sure I did a good job. Kami drives to LAX and I know this because Karli is a loud back seat driver causing Kami to mutter “Karli… Karli is yelling at Kami to change lanes NOW! Her next sentence is “I’m sorry, but when I say NOW, I mean it” . I don’t think she was really sorry. Kind of like when you say to someone “Sorry, but you’re an idiot”. Yeah, you don’t mean it and neither did she. After arriving at LAX they decide to team up with Dennis and Erika and Ali and Donny. The three teams will find out which flight is faster and help each other out. Kami and Karli go with Ali and Donny to the United ticket stand and, after learning it’s a better flight get tickets. They then go find Erika and Dennis to let them know. They make it to the hand, then to the island where they secure tickets on the second ferry out in the morning. I guess nothing exciting happened during the “Beef Carry” as there isn’t a lot of footage. They did read the clue however and know to look for the next clue across the street from the hotel. Unfortunately they don’t have the slightest idea what “across” means, and head straight into the casino where they play roulette, even though they don’t know why they are doing it. Their number hits and they receive the clue telling them to go to the Pit Stop. They arrive…. 2nd.
Ummmm…. Yeah, I don’t usually give that away do I? No… and I still haven’t. Phil tells them that they missed a clue and need to go back. After receiving the clue they book it back to Casa Pueblo arriving…..
Linda and Karen
Linda drives the pair to the airport and assures us that she knows where she is going. I suppose she does, but they are not going there fast. They are disappointed when they arrive at LAX and realize they will not make the first flight. Of course all that changes when they get the facts and they cheer, secure in the knowledge that they will be on the plane arriving in Guatemala earlier. They are enjoying themselves and take a few minutes to reflect on the beauty of the country while heading to the ferry. This is something I like to see happen. They carry the beef, but again nothing of note happened, so we next see them getting the tickets for the 3rd ferry. They don’t hesitate to choose the ZIP detour, and ya gotta love ‘em for it. Linda says she’s a big chicken. I figure she’s sitting on a rooftop eighteen stories above ground, harnessed and ready to ZIP… she can’t be that big a chicken. Karen goes first and has a blast, she lands in the pool and is cheering Linda on. They do a great job and head off to see more great scenery, and by that I mean Phil. They arrive…
Marshall and Lance
Lance makes a couple “girl driver” and “idiot player” remarks on the way to the airport endearing him immediately to millions of viewer’s nation wide. Or not. They get on the shuttle to the airport and I have to guess that the driver is a fan of The Amazing Race as he actually asks the brothers if he should stop to pick up some other teams waiting at the stop. This prompts my daughter to announce that he is officially the coolest shuttle bus driver ever. I have a feeling this is only because Ali is one of the team members passed up by the driver. Once in the terminal they have a hard time finding the route marker flags. This is understandable because they are right in front of them all bright yellow and red.. It’s hard to see things like that sometimes. Or not. Marshall calls “total BS” over the fact that there is a purposeful hold up at the ticket counter. I guess some other exciting stuff happened with these two. Or not. I know one of them carried the beef, as I now see them choosing to go with CHIPS. Marshall tells us that he’s “good at roulette”. I swear, I just don’t get it. Is there more than luck involved? Can you actually be “good at”it? I guess so, as the team wins on the first spin. The head off for the Pit Stop and arrive…
Charla and Mirna
While running on the docks Mirna is telling Charla to run faster. Seriously even I can tell she’s running as fast as she can. We are repeatedly shown shots of just the two of them, so it looks like they are alone on the pier. When they get to the car, however, we realize they are not last, not at all. In the car Mirna drives and Charla is out of breath. This concerns me as the race has truly just begun. Once they arrive at The Hand they retrieve the clue. Once they know they have to get a taxi Charla pulls out a whistle. She’s just a blowin’ that thing and I’m just a laughin’. I don’t know why, but it struck me as funny. Charla tells us that strangers love to help her. Then Mirna comments on the fact that no other team has helped them. Did TAR win that Emmy for editing? That was too good. Mirna goes on to tell us that when a team does decide to help them, they will in turn, help the other team. Ummm, if all the teams think that way there could be a lot of waiting. Mirna struggles immensely trying to carry the side of beef… the only one that weighs 100lbs. No, it doesn’t, but Mirna thinks it does. She wins the “Flo Award” this week for all the whining about not being able to do it. They get some stranger to help them with the bags while Charla attempts to carry the beef. She must think it weighs 10lbs as she takes off with it… so fast in fact that they go four blocks past the butcher, have to go back, and are not in last place. Mirna is adamant about going for the CHIPS detour. Charla doesn’t seem happy about the choice, but gives in and they head for the casino. After they win Mirna wants to play a quick game of Black Jack, until she hears that they are being sent to Phil. This prompts her to tell us he is gorgeous. Thank you Captain Obvious. They haul butt and arrive…
Dennis and Erika
Dennis takes a tumble on the docks. If you had read any of the “spoilers” about this episode you would know that one of the “Older” men required stitches for a fall on the dock. Yeah, I haven’t gotten to that team yet, but I swear to you they complained less about the fall than any other team involved. Erika is going on and on about how “Texas” (Colin) tripped Dennis. Seems to me, that even though he complains, he knows it was an accident. As I mentioned in the Twins paragraph, Dennis and Erika hooked up with them to “help”. While on the shuttle to the airport Dennis announces that someone should find out which flight arrives first. That, my friends is sound advice. Too bad he doesn’t take it. He heads straight for the first flight and orders three sets of tickets. Of course you already know that the other teams actually did find out which flight arrived first and have their tickets on the better flight. Dennis is now holding up the line waiting for his new friends so he can tell them how very wonderful he is. Someone calls him a scumbag, which is apparently the worst thing you can call Dennis, as his resolve to hold up the line is stronger than ever now. It lasts until he hears from the twins that they have tickets, and Dennis and Erika cannot return theirs. HA! The pair gets to the hand, and to the island where they secure themselves tickets on the third ferry. Dennis carries the beef to the butcher, and then gives away his cab. He doesn’t want to be seen as a scumbag. That’s important to him. Erika complains and calls him “Mr. Fairplay”. This sends me into convulsions as I’m reminded of Survivor’s Johnny Fairplay. Why, oh why did she have to do that? Why did I have to type his name out here? Because, ladies and gentlemen, misery loves company. If I’m stuck sitting here with his mug in my head, I’ll do my best to make sure I’m not alone. They choose to ZIP as their detour and after receiving their clue they hail a taxi and head off for the Pit Stop. They arrive…
Bob and Joyce
Once they arrive at their car on the dock in Santa Monica Joyce is yelling at Bob to open the hood. I can only assume that Joyce is the proud owner of a vintage VW Beetle. I assume they not only find the hood release, but also the trunk release, as we next see them driving away acknowledging that they are in last place. They get tickets for the last ferry, and Bob is worried about carrying the beef for half a mile. Joyce, proves to be a good cheerleader and encourages him the entire way. She continues to cheer for him as he takes his turn on the ZIP line. Bob tells us he has the best partner ever. They seem really nice, but I swear this is all I’ve got. I can’t even come up with filler to make the paragraph look longer… except of course to talk about the fact that I can’t come up with filler…. Hmmm, that looks good. They get a cab and arrive…
Colin and Christie
From Corpus Christie. I think that’s funny. Colin is glad that Christie used to live in the area so she knows that it isn’t necessarily the best idea to take the 405 to the airport. They will instead take Lincoln. Colin… who is NOT OLD… is complaining about Dennis running into him causing him to fall. Poor baby. Whatever. They head straight to the American Airlines counter and get tickets on the first flight out. I assume there was some film on them arriving at The Hand etc., but now I see them on the third ferry off the island, then I hear Christie yelling at Colin to get the clue after he drops the beef off with the butcher. They opt for ZIP and Christie is worried that she will freak out. I’m sure she must have been more concerned that she would freak worse out if they had chosen CHIPS. Colin gives her a little pep talk and cheers her down the zip line. They receive the clue, grab a cab and arrive…
Chip and Kim
I assume they drove to the airport, but either I was busy writing or they did nothing of worthy of air time. In line at the American Airlines ticket counter they complain about the hold up. They have been told that the other teams are in the bathroom, but have “ordered” their tickets. Kim thinks they are taking a mighty long time. They do manage to get tickets on the first flight out. Unfortunately, they don’t realize that this is the slowest flight. Next thing I know, they are getting tickets for the third ferry off the island. Chip carries the beef. I want to sneak in a joke about the beef having a Chip on it’s shoulder, but it’s the other way around and Chip has a beef on his shoulder doesn’t really work. Oh well. They know they should be looking ACROSS the street, but for some reason run into the casino. Like the twins before them, they go ahead and play roulette with out knowing why they are doing it. On the way to the Pit Stop Kim mentions that she’s surprised that there wasn’t a Detour on this leg of the race. Well, she can relax, as they are headed for one now. Of course when they arrive Phil has to tell them that even though they are currently first (causing Chip to yell “No Way” he tries to continue his happy little victory speech, but gets cut off) “You missed a clue, and must go get it”. WHAT??? Yep, they run for the cab and Chip goes on and on about how they will now lose the race. They get the clue, realize they’ve done the detour and head back to the Pit Stop. This time they arrive…
Jim and Marsha
The view of the “ready set go” is a beautiful aerial shot, so even though we see some people falling and tripping, I can’t tell who’s who. Well, once this team is in the car driving towards the airport Jim, from the back seat, says “I’m bleeding like a *&(*&^*%” Ah, the Emmy for editing again (yeah, if it wasn’t it should have been) we get a nice slow motion and highlighted shot of Jims tumble on the pier. A few minutes later, when they are on the shuttle to the airport we get a better shot of it when he pulls up his pants leg, causing Marsha, the ever doting daughter, to turn her head away in disgust. Jim is just happy that the bleeding has stopped. After they get tickets on the second flight an airport EMT takes a look at the cut and insists that Jim get it looked at. The EMT comments that he’s not sure Jim will be able to fly. “Hey Doc, will I be able to fly?” “Well, sure” “Great, cause I never could before” Ba-Dum-Ching. Anyway… Marsha flags down a Thrifty Rental Car Shuttle Bus Driver and asks him to take them to the emergency clinic. Victor (I’m so glad Marsha asked his name, as typing “Thrifty Rental Car Shuttle Bus Driver” is a pain) not only takes them there, but waits for them to return. I figure Victor may have pissed off some Thrifty Rental Car Customers, but dammit this is important! Here’s to you Victor, you rock! Jim requires twenty-five stitches, and gets his knee wrapped up nicely. It’s 2:20 as they head back with Victor to the airport. The flight leaves at 2:40. Somehow they get to the gate at 2:37 and make the flight. Once they take the ferry to the island the ugly side of Marsha is revealed when Mirna asks them if they’d like to help each other. Marsha is not at all interested, and goes as far as to lie about having found a ticket. Pops and Daughter get tickets for the second ferry out, but have a hard time locating the clue box at the dock. They finally get it just minutes before the third ferry comes in. Jim carries the beef the entire half mile while Marsha skips merrily along. She seems unconcerned until Pops collapses on the floor in the butcher shop prompting Marsha to say: “Ohhh Dad”. Yeah, perhaps you could have helped him carry the thing hon. After deciding on ZIPS the team gets somehow lost in the hotel. This gets Marsha thinking that maybe they should have taken the elevator to the seventeenth floor. Ummm.. ya think? They do a fine job on the Zip line and head off for the Pit Stop. They arrive…
Donny and Ali
Yay, my favorites!!!!!!!! I’m in a bit of a sardonic mood. Sorry about that. Donny is in the car complaining about being tripped on the pier. Yeah, shut up until you need twenty five stitches dude. Ali drives to the airport and decides to follow the twins. She and Donny spend a little time arguing and we learn that Donny thinks God is playing a trick on him, making it so that he can’t be without Ali. I think he’s just an idiot. Once at the airport, he takes Dennis’s advice and checks on the times of both flights. They get tickets on the faster flight out. They then catch a bus to The Hand and Ali remarks on the fact that she’s never seen different cultures. I can’t help but think that the lab tech at her OB/GYN’s office would have happily showed her some on one of her visits. She thanks the bus driver with some of the worst Spanish I have ever heard: “Moo-Chows Grassy-ass”. Ewwww. It’s a beautiful language. What is she doing to it? Upon learning that they need to take a ferry to the island, Donny says he thinks it would be a good idea to take a boat. Did I mention that I think he’s an idiot? Once on the island Ali makes a smart decision (dammit) and insists that they check numerous ticket times before taking a set of tickets. This, of course, puts them on the first ferry out. Donny is carrying the beef and being followed by a dog. He’s also being followed by what looks to be a German Shepherd mix. Ba-Dum-Ching. Ali is smart a-freakin’-gain when she insist to Donny that they have missed a clue at the hotel, and cannot just go into the casino without knowing why. They go across the street and get the clue. The pair decides to go with the ZIP part of the detour Ali is eighteen stories above the ground when the camera does an extreme close up of the wire holding her there. You can see the fraying and almost hear the snapping as the many thin strands that make up the whole start popping one by one. They is a sudden jerk as Ali falls a few feet, screaming at the top of her lungs “YOU SAID THIS WAS SAAAAAAAAFE”. More thin strands start breaking as…. Man, I have got to learn to separate fantasy from reality. They actually do a great job. They get a cab and arrive…
That’s it baby, raise that eyebrow. There’s that fantasy line I crossed again.
1. Ali and Donny… yeah they get a vacation. Bah.
2. Marshall and Lance
3. Linda and Karen
4. Bob and Joyce
5. Charla and Mirna
6. Brandon and Nicole
7. Colin and Christie
8. Chip and Kim
9. Kami and Karli
10. Jim and Marsha
Which has Dennis and Erika arriving last and hearing those famous words from Phil “I’m sorry to tell you, you’ve both been eliminated from the race”
Well, we hardly got to know ya guys. It does seem that they had a good time. Erika loves Dennis, and Dennis loves Erika. It’s a happy ending… one that would have been even happier if the new twist had been that for the first leg the winners went home, but alas, I can’t have everything, and as long as I’ve got Phil to watch, I can ignore Ali.
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