Well, I'm no Fluff! Not nearly as funny or insightful, but what the heck? Here goes:
Episode ONE
THE WORLD IS WATING: GO!
Helicopters bring contestants to a desert outside of Vegas. We’ve met the teams, but I do have a few comments:

Hope and Norm let us know that they are normal people. I think it’s nice of them, as I was sure they were cyborgs.. Whew…

Cyndi and Russel, the pastors assure us that they will not be asking God to hinder the other teams. Mighty nice don’t ya think?

Mary and Peach. Hmmmmm, it’s obvious that we were right about these two.

The teams are lined up and given a rundown of how the game works. Their packs are are about 50 yards in front of them, and on top of their packs are the directions for the first leg of the race. About 20 yards in front of the packs are a bunch of Ford SUV’s, ready to….
GO!
They take off for the packs and find out that they need to get to an airport and hop a flight to Rio. There are two flights and only room for 7 teams on the first flight out. The second flight leaves a little over 2 hours after the first.
We find out that Tara and Wil have known each other for 3 1/2 years. They have been separated for two years.. hmmmm, rush into things maybe?
Danny and Oswald let us know that they are NOT a couple, but for all intents and purposes they are married. OK.
First seven teams to get tickets:
Tara and Wil, Hope and Norm, Mary and Peach, Shola and Doyin, Blake and Paige, Cyndi and Russel and Chris and Alex (one of these guys actually speaks Portuguese!).
They need to get to the CHRIST THE REDEEMER statue to get the next set of directions.
Tara is brilliant. She decides it will really help her and Wil if she is a complete bitch to the cabbie and yells at him to hurry up. Then she complains as other teams pass, because her cabbie won’t drive over the speed limit. Hmmmmm, I wonder why he won’t helpo this lovely young lady?
Poor, Poor Peach gets motion sickness in the cab because the road is bumpy. Awwwwwww I feel so bad for her.
NEXT: Go to Paqueta Island and find and kiss “Fat Maria”
Cyndi and Russel are told to go to the North Dock to wait for a boat to get them to the island. All the other teams that have made it to this point so far are getting on a different boat.
Cyndi and Russel wait, and wait for their boat to arrive.
Meanwhile we catch Gary and Dave in a cab telling the cabbie that “They need to get to ‘The Big Dude’, it is very important, as (one of them) is Jewish”. Um OK.
Well finally, here comes Cyndi and Russels boat. Folks, it is obvious that prayer works, as they get a kick ass fast boat, that speeds right on past the big boat carrying the other teams!
Poor team Grannie, they are in last place, trying to climb the million steps to Christ.

Russel and Cyndi find Fat Maria first. Darn, it’s a tree. They kiss it.
Next they must get to the Lido Hotel to make reservations on a boat. Boats leave in the morning, every 45 minutes. Only 3 teams can get on the first boat.

Tara finds the right place to make the reservations, bu, OH NO, Where is Wil? She leaves the counter (that is important) She’s running around screaming “WIL, WIL, WIL, OVER HERE, WIL GET OUT HERE, WIL WIL WIL”
Meanwhile the twins, Blake and Paige, Cyndi and Russel, geeze half the folks that have made it this far, line up to make the reservations. Tara comes back yelling “But I was here first” over and over. Blake complains, and Wil (who is apparently as brilliant as Tara) says “I’ll remember this, we were here”. Uh, Wil honey EVERYONE HEARD TARA SCREAMONG FOR YOU!
One of the twins explains: “They say they were here first talking to the guy, but if they left without making reservations it’s their own fault” Yep, sure is!
Chris and Alex find a jail cell sized room, with one bed. It’s all cool, they’ve known each other forever. Dude’s it’s a mights small bed!
Flash to Mary and Peach. They haven’t eaten all day. (So they say, but I figure there had to be SOMETHING on the plane!)Mary wants to spend some money on food and sleep on the beach. Peach wants to spend it on a hotel and forego eating. Another brilliant competitor. Peach can market the new ultimate diet plan! She (Peach) then says to Mary “I don’t like you”.
Peggy and Claire are still way behind.
Remember when I said that Wil said he wouldn’t forget about the whole reservation thing? Well, he didn’t! He’s complaining that Blake cheated. He then tells Blake “”You don’t have language skills, and you haven’t traveled as extensively as I have, so there, lets drop it” UMMMM WHAT? They’re still ahead of you!
Teams now have to go to Rio and ride a gondola (which I thought was a boat thingy in Rome, but apparently is a big old cable car lift thingy) to Sugar Loaf Mountain. Four boats.
1st boat has Cyndi and Russel, The Twins and Blake and Paige
2nd boat has Tara and Wil (thanks to Blake and Paige who for some reason are the ONLY cheaters from 1st boat) and Hope and Norm.
3rd boat has Chris and Alex, Mary and Peach and Oswald and Danny.
4th boat has Gary and Dave, Diedre and Hillary and Team Grannie.

They get to the top of the mountain and we find our first detour.
Repel down a 590 foot cliff or find a woman on the beach that inspired the song “The Girl From Impanema”.

Hope asks if 590 feet is very big. I guess she has one of those husbands who tells her his is 16” so she really has no idea how VERY BIG 590 FEET IS!
Wil decides that the best way to get Tara ready for the repel is to hit her in the head a few times.
After the teams either repel or find the girl, they must get to Irca (sp?) Beach, spot a yacht out in the water that is flying the TAR flag, get to the Yacht and check in. This is the first Pit Stop.
Wil decides they should take a boat to the yacht, proving his brilliance once again.

Everyone has chosen to repel, except team Grannie. No surprise there.

On the Yacht:
1st Tara and Wil. (Uhhg, they also win a vacation to Hawaii when this is all over)
2nd Cyndi and Russel
3rd Shola and Doyin

Flash to Grannies in a cab looking for the woman and Diedre and Hillary beginning their repel. Grannies find woman and Mom and daughter finish repel.

4th Blake and Paige
5th Hope and Norm (they actually tie for 4th, but I’ll put them here)
6th Chris and Alex (wonder what would have happened if one of them didn’t speak Portuguese?)
7th Mary and Peach
8th Oswald and Danny
9th Gary and Dave
10th Peggy and Claire our Gutsie Grannies. They get big cheers from the other teams and each other.

That, of course, means that Deidre and Hillary come in last. Hillary is awesome, she’s just cheering for her Mom, telling her how proud she is of her, how awesome she is. I REALLY like this girl! Gosh, why, oh why, couldn’t it have been Mary and Peach or Tara and Wil??? WHY WHY WHY WHY???