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Thread: Eel Feel Like a Slippery WHAT?? TAR 4 ep 5 recap

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    Soccer Kicks Balls cali's Avatar
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    Eel Feel Like a Slippery WHAT?? TAR 4 ep 5 recap

    Last week I stepped in some deep kaka and upset a few readers. I hope not to do that this week. I would like to thank everyone, even the one’s I upset, for all the comments. I really do enjoy reading what you have to say about my recraps… I mean recaps. I seem to be getting ahead of myself here. This week most Amazing Race teams get to be the one’s to step in the kaka, and that’s fine with me.


    The Particulars

    The teams must fly to Amsterdam Holland and find their way to the Magere Brug, a small white bridge, where they will find the next clue.

    They are told to drive a metal boat to the Scheepvaart Museum, at which point they will find the detour clue.

    This week’s Detour is a choice between 500 kilograms or 15 feet. If teams choose 500 kilograms they must drive 30 miles to an outdoor market, don traditional Dutch wooden shoes and carry 500 kilograms (1,100 pounds… even for a cheese lover, that’s a lot) of cheese to a scale. Once they have exactly 500 kilograms, they will get their next clue. If teams choose 15 feet (or 457.2 Centimeters or 2.5 Fathoms ) they must drive 12 miles to a cow manure farm, where manure is processed into fertilizer. I always assumed that the cow’s 5 stomachs did all the processing. Live and learn. Teams must dig through a 15-foot pile of manure to find the clue, which will direct them to the next marker.

    Once again this week a team chooses to do the Fast Forward. This team gets to ride the Molen Van Sloten Windmill. Once the team has been strapped to the windmill, they must complete 10 rotations, and then will be given directions to the Pit Stop.

    At statue of The Smoker” teams will find the directions for the Roadblock where teams must decide which member has a tighter grip, and likes seafood. Once that decision has been made the team member chosen, must transfer 25 live eels from the bottom of a boat and into a marked container to the side.

    The Pit Stop for this leg of the race is an ancient castle, complete with moat, called the Kasteel Muiderslot

    Let The Games Begin



    Tian and Jaree 2:26am

    Having used the Fast Forward last week (yesterday?) Tian and Jaree get to leave first. They begin arguing before they are out of sight of the Pit Stop.

    Tian is yelling all the time, and Jaree is tired of being treated like a baby. She does admit that she can’t read a map which is why she does most of the driving.

    Once at the airport, they camp out in line for Air France and get tickets on a great flight to Amsterdam. They find the bridge and get into one of the marked boats to try and find the Museum. Here is where the arguing really gets going. Jaree insists that she knows where they are and when she tries to point to the spot on the map, Tian rips it out of her hands. Tian is all of the sudden upset, as she finds it interesting that up until 2 seconds ago Jaree had no idea how to read a map.

    They wind up lost for an hour and a half, and are getting more and more frustrated. I can actually relate to this. I get very frustrated when lost, and have been known to “fill the cuss jar” with enough money for a trip to McDonalds for 5 in a short period of time.

    After a while they find themselves back where they started. They seem to get themselves organized, and find their way to the museum for the next clue, where Tian decides that it would be a good idea to choose 15 feet, as her hands are frozen, and this might warm them up.

    The arguing continues while trying to find the manure farm. They get lost again, and Jaree informs Tian, that she is ready to punch her in the face. Tian pulls the “Boy, you’re being mean” card and tells Jaree that she doesn’t want to hurt her. Jaree doesn’t care and responds with “Well, I sure want to hurt you”.

    Once they find the Pile O’ Crap, they need only look for a few seconds before one of them sees a clue sticking out of the pile. They grab it and go.

    On the way to the Roadblock they find time to argue some more. Jaree feels like Tian is giving up on the race, and Tian doesn’t argue that point much. Jaree also feels like she’s the only one trying. Which would explain to me why she has done all the roadblocks in the past and helped pull Tian up a hill…. Except that it never happened that way.

    Tian, of course, does the roadblock while Jaree watches from the dock and says, “I coulda done that”. Hmmm, then honey, really… why didn’t you? I look and wonder what the eels feel like.

    They are back in the car, so of course it’s time for a little more arguing. They saunter up to the mat to meet Phil.

    They arrive…



    Jon and Al 2:41am

    They are only15 minutes behind Tian and Jaree, proving once again, that you really do need to know when it is most advantageous to use the Fast Forward as it doesn’t give you that much of an edge.

    They’re playing the game like there are always 5 teams ahead of them. They must always GO, GO, GO.

    At the airport they get tickets on a British Airways flight, and make good time to Amsterdam.

    Once they get into the boat, they decide it would most likely be a good idea to read the map before driving off. They look around and wonder why so many teams are going the wrong way. This would be enough to cause me to hesitate, but they shrug and drive their boat directly to the next marker.

    Once they get the clue they enthusiastically choose 15 feet and go barreling off towards the Manure Farm, smelling their way there.

    These two don the coveralls… or more precisely coversomes and dive into the pile. They seem to forget why they are there, and proceed to have a fertilizer fight. It’s all fun and games until somebody loses a boot in the manure. Things seem to get a little tense, but when seen in the little “confessional” moment, it is clear that they had fun fighting in the crap pile.

    They stumble upon a clue and head off to find The Smoker.

    Have you ever been in a grocery store out of town? Have you ever been standing in front of something you were looking for when you happened to ask an employee where that item can be found? They look at you and point over your shoulder and back away slowly… That’s not just me right?

    That’s what happens with Jon, Al and The Smoker.

    The two decide that Al has a better grip so it’s his job to perform the task. He seems to complete it with relative ease. He collects the clue and Jon, and they head off for the Pit Stop.

    They arrive…



    Millie and Chuck 2:41am

    Millie is concerned that Chuck doesn’t know her. I am tempted to insert a 12 year joke here, and wonder what type of “know” Millie is talking about, but I will lave that up to you.

    At the airport they get mad at some other teams, get out of the Air France line, and head over to the British Airways counter where they score


    No, not with each other, they score great tickets. Gee people.

    Millie and Chuck decide that taking a taxi to the Magere Brug would get them there quickly and they are ahead when they arrive at the boats.

    Millie is yelling at Chuck to get going. Other teams are on there heels, and she wants to get moving. Chuck on the other hand wants to read the map. (When you get further into this paragraph, it is important to note that I did NOT confuse the two here… Chuck wants to read map. Millie wants to GO).

    Off he goes… yet he has no idea where he is supposed to go. Millie just seems relieved to be moving.

    Until she decides they are going the wrong way, then says that shouldn’t make a move until they know where they are going. They are hopelessly lost in the river ways of Amsterdam, and after a short discussion where I’m pretty sure Chuck isn’t allowed to speak, they concur that it would be most advantageous to go for the Fast Forward.

    It seems like they have fun. There are no asthma attacks and no dark tight places, so they complete the task easily. They collect the Fast Forward and head off to be greeted by Phil.

    They arrive…



    Monica and Sheree 2:45am

    Monica and Sheree are married to Professional Athletes. I find the need to mention that, because they didn’t. How are we supposed to know them, if they refuse to open up about their lives?

    They are getting along well with each other, and it shows. They are not making stupid mistakes nor are they wasting time arguing.

    They admit that it would be fine with them if Tian was not in the race any longer, although they do not wish ill upon any one.

    Getting a great flight to Amsterdam helped them get to the Brug quickly. There is a little bit of concern about driving the boat, as neither one of them have ever done that. They have Captains that do that for them.

    They seem to get a little turned around in the boat, but manage to get to the clue with what seems like relative ease.

    They go for the 15 feet, and I truly appreciate that they call it manure, and not something stupid and childish like Poo.

    They are in their coversomes and goggles, and one of them winds up thigh high in manure. They do seem to be laughing as they dig through the pile, and tell us that never again will there be a complaint about changing a babies diaper.

    Upon leaving the farm, they have trouble finding reverse, but must turn the car around. The road makes it’s way through what looks like a nice field of beautiful green grass. Unfortunately for them, it’s not a field, it appears to be some kind of “new Dutch Grass” that floats atop inches of water. They pull into it planning on turning around, and find themselves stuck in the marshy field.

    Luckily a truck/van happens by and the gentleman tows them back onto the road. He seemed a bit shocked to get a hug for his good deed. Pleased, but shocked nonetheless.

    Sheree decides to do the Roadblock and seems to have no problem keeping hold of the eels. I wonder for a second if her husband slipped some stickum into her backpack.

    They thank everyone around and head off for the Pit Stop.

    They arrive…



    Reichen and Chip 2:54am

    Reichen and Chip tend to spend too much time sightseeing, which in turn causes them to miss turns at times. This is something that they need to work on if they want to win the race.

    Once at the airport, they know they must respect the lines, and think they accomplish this by asking the people in the front of the line, Tian and Jaree, to buy their tickets for them. At first Tian says OK, but when it becomes obvious that other teams will know that they are helping another team, Tian says “Well, you’ll have to clear it with the waiting teams”. Yeah.. great odds there.

    They look at another team, and are told, “No, I’ll punch your eye out”. They decide they don’t need the tickets and get ahead with there physical dominance later. I am rather disappointed, as I’ve never seen an eye get punched out, and was curious as to how that would work.

    On the boat, they seem to have no problem with the map, and find their way to the next marker easily. They read the directions out loud, and when they say “15 feet” they both put there hands up to their chests. They then say it again “15 feet” and this time their hands go up to their noses. Chip finally realizes he is 6 feet tall, and all of the sudden 15 feet seems tall. They decide to move the cheese.

    Once at the market, they put on the shoes, and head off to collect cheese. They put 4 wheels of cheese on the stretcher, stop, think, then add two more. They have 72 of the needed 500 kilograms.

    This could take a while.

    I don’t know how many trips they take, but are handed the next clue to big cheers and applause from the people who are standing around watching.

    Reichen is up for the Eel challenge and seems to transfer them with no problem. As I watch, I can’t help but wonder what they feel like.

    The two say thanks to those around, and head off to the Pit Stop.

    They arrive…



    David and Jeff 2:57am

    David is concerned that his yelling will make him seem intense. I’m concerned that he actually thinks they have had any airtime this season.

    They get tickets to Orly airport in France and have to get a connecting flight out of Charled DeGaulle airport. The flights are 1 hour apart. I don’t have much faith that they will make it. It is my experience that it takes ½ an hour just to get off a plane and out of the building.

    They hit traffic on the way to the second flight, and miss they connection. This puts them way behind, and they are concerned.

    When they arrive at the Magere Brug, they hop into the boat and use both the motor and the oar to get them to their destination. They know they are in last place, as there were no clues left in the box by the boats.

    Once they read the clue for the Detour they don’t seem to hesitate long before choosing to dig through the manure, and seem to find the next clue rather quickly. They seem to be in overdrive, and hurry off to find The Smoker, after finding Jaree, they realize that they have the wrong one, and head off to find the statue.

    Blondey, chooses to do the Roadblock, and seems to finish it without a problem. They collect the clue and head off to the Pit Stop.

    They arrive…



    Kelly and Jon 3:00am

    Kelly can’t read a map, but Jon doesn’t want her driving all the time either. For someone who wants a 50/50 relationship, she really should understand that she shouldn’t do 100% of the driving.

    Once at the airport, Jon does his best to get masculine on us by informing Reichen and Chip that he will punch an eye out if they cut in line.

    I shake my head with pity at his lame try at toughness. Guys don’t have to be tough, but if they aren’t, I sure as hell wish they wouldn’t try to be. It’s sad really.

    Once in the boat Jon decides to follow Millie and Chuck, which prompts the editors to treat subject us to a diary moment with the two of them where they explain like Jr. High Schoolers immature brats, the nick names they have for Millie and Chuck.

    Millie is Millie the mole, because every time Jon sees her he says Moley, Moley, Moley… although this ammusing when Austin Powers says it, it loses a LOT when we hear it from Kelly, still, it causes her to crack up, and she can hardly compose herself long enough to tell us that Chuck is Werewolf, as his face muscles look like he is in stage two werewolf. I’m hoping he gets to last stage werewolf and rips into her.

    After following them for what seems to be a long timeKelly has a new name for them. Idiots. They appear to be lost, and Millie and Chuck are the idiots. I can’t help but wonder what that really makes Kelly and Jon. After all no one forced them to follow anyone.

    After finally finding the box, Jon talks Kelly into going for the 15 feet. Kelly has way too much fn repeating the word Poo over and over and over and over and over and over. Although this is driving me crazy and I don’t find it in the least bit cute or funny, I get a fear that CBS is trying to make them look cute by showing them laughing at their lame ass selves, meaning they might win this thing. I honestly could not handle that. No, not at all.

    Kelly finds the clue, we know this because she starts shrieking “I found it, I found it” so I mute it I mute it. It seriously hurt my ears. She then giggles about clue rhyming with Poo. I think of Hazy at this point, because I know how much he enjoys rhyming prose.

    Jon does the Roadblock and Kelly watches from the dock. After a few seconds she asks him what they feel like. His response: “Like a slippery Penis” I don’t have time to wonder about this statement, as I am laughing over Kelly’s response to that: “I wanna feel one”. Unfortunately for Kelly Jon keeps all the slippery Peni (penis’s, penis’ ??) to himself, and she may never get the opportunity again. Oh Poo!

    They get the clue and head off to the Pit Stop.

    They arrive…



    Steve and Dave 4:19am

    I was going to use the tortoise and the hare analogy at some point during the series, but they beat me to it. They are hoping they can continue to stay in the race, mush like the tortoise does. Unless teams strat falling asleep in the middle of a detour, I don't see them passing a bunch of them any time soon.

    These two get the same flights to Amsterdam as David and Jeff, of course meaning they have the same problems with the connecting flight.

    They find their way to the Brug, and don’t seem to have any navigational problems, finding the clue in what seems to be a short amount of time. Steve has trouble getting himself up onto the dock, and I am very surprised when they choose to perform the more physical of the two tasks for the Detour. They seemed pretty sure that not too many teams would be willing to dig around in a huge pile of manure.

    Off to the 500 kilograms they go. They feel ridiculous, but look cute in the traditional wooden shoes. Although they get a decent 1st load, but I think they may be surprised that they have only 72 of the needed 500 kilograms. The crowd also cheers. Applauds, and laughs as these two finish the task and are handed the clue. Handshakes all around and they are off.

    Steve chooses to do the Roadblock and seems to zip through the eels, and is handed the final clue.

    The two head off for the castle, to meet Phil.

    They arrive…



    Pit Stop Kasteel Muider Slot

    1. Millie and Chuck who also win a cruise
    2. Jon and Al
    3. Kelly and Jon
    4. Reichen and Chip
    5. Monica and Sheree
    6. David and Jeff
    7. Tian and Jaree

    Meaning, sadly that our ATC guys, Steve and Dave have completed their portion of the Amazing Race. We’ll miss ya!


    To contact the author of this article please email: cali@fansofrealitytv.com
    "Rice is great when you're hungry and want 2,000 of something' -- Mitch Hedberg

  2. #2
    Why Not Us? greenie's Avatar
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    Great recap, cali! I'm sad to see Steve and Dave go. They got along so well and didn't take themselves too seriously.
    Who shot who in the what now?

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    FORT Fogey eldee's Avatar
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    Cali, I enjoyed your recap! I got a few chuckles revisiting the tasks and contestant comments. I especially enjoy your "side bar" comments!

    So, you spell "$*it" with K. I always thought it was C.:

    Great job, Cali!

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    Evil Slash Crazy Miss Filangi's Avatar
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    Awesome job... too many funny parts to quote, so I'll pick my favourite.
    Have you ever been in a grocery store out of town? Have you ever been standing in front of something you were looking for when you happened to ask an employee where that item can be found? They look at you and point over your shoulder and back away slowly… That’s not just me right?

    That’s what happens with Jon, Al and The Smoker.
    If you go through a lot of hammers each month, I don't think it necessarily means you're a hard worker.
    It may just mean that you have a lot to learn about proper hammer maintenance.


  5. #5
    Fade to black
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    What I want to know is how does Jon know what a slippery ... oh never mind.

    Great recap Cali!
    I know someday you'll have a beautiful life, I know you'll be a star in somebody else's eyes... but why... why... why can't it be me?

  6. #6
    Hypermediocrity Amanda's Avatar
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    Originally posted by hazyshadeof
    What I want to know is how does Jon know what a slippery ... oh never mind.

    Weren't you talking about self-love just the other day?

    Cali, this was great. It blows me away how funny and intelligent all of the FoRT writers are. It's just as fun to read your recaps as it is to watch the show!

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    FORT Regular Takraw's Avatar
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    Great recap!

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    Soccer Kicks Balls cali's Avatar
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    thanks guys..

    I wondered the same thing Hazy.

    Eldee... I have no idea, but my spell check didn't try to correct "kaka"
    "Rice is great when you're hungry and want 2,000 of something' -- Mitch Hedberg

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    Ready? haejin's Avatar
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    Once at the market, they put on the shoes, and head off to collect cheese. They put 4 wheels of cheese on the stretcher, stop, think, then add two more. They have 72 of the needed 500 kilograms.
    Stop, think, and add two more? Hilarious!

    Great job cali!
    Gustav Holst was right!

  10. #10
    FORT Fogey kyrjar's Avatar
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    Great job cali.


    I saw things pretty much the same way you called them.

    Except I want to add extra praise for Jon and Al -- they have become my favorite team just by staying out of the nastiness/fighting arena while still being competitive.

    I liked the NFL wives fine this week for what they showed of them. Kelly and Jon cannot be redeemed at this point. Tian, Millie and Chuck dropped just a hair in my eyes. I couldn't figure out what was wrong with Tian? Jaree, Reichen and Chip are still not looking particularly good. Who are David and Jeff again?

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