Anyone know the Russian word for fail? Because this episode is chock full o’ fail. And? The perpetrator of the worst failure this evening isn’t who you think it would be. No, the bumbling, shoeless, can’t march, can’t pay their taxi driver and saved by a non-elimination leg frats aren’t the biggest goof-ups tonight. Shocking, I know. Who would have guessed Dandrew would make it this far?
The Hunt for Red...Hot Dog?
Still in Russia for a double helping of Moscow fun, Toni and Dallas leave first, ripping open their clue to find out that they must head for a retired Russian nuclear sub. Inside, they’ll find an actor who played in The Hunt for Red October, and he’ll have their next clue. To help their taxi driver out, Dallas draws a submarine. Or what is supposed to be a submarine. It looks more like a sick hot dog with some strange symbols around it, but okay. Tina tries to do the same thing and sucks at it, too – Ken tells her so. She whines that Ken doesn’t put their relationship first and foremost. I whine because she’s still in the race.
Meanwhile, Starr confesses on the ride there that she’s used to things going her way. Yeah, like we couldn’t tell that by the way she wigs out when something goes wrong. She says that she doesn’t want to let her brother down, and he’s the calm, cool, collected one. Read = she’s a spaz, and he keeps her under control. Dan tells us nothing that we don’t already know, sheepishly admitting that their track record has been spotty. Understatement of the year, Dan-o.
Somehow they all reach the sub at the same time (it’s magic!) and rush inside to hunt for nameless actor guy. Someone – Nick, I think – correctly deduces that it’s not going to be one of the young men sitting around, since the movie was made 18 years ago. Andrew ponders if it will be Sean Connery. You’re starting to worry me, Andrew. I thought you were the smart one. They all find the older gentleman who was in the movie, pretending to talk on the phone. Hey, he’s acting! Or, maybe he’s talking to Connery. The next clue: travel by taxi to a local park. Watching this, I realize that I could never work on a cramped, claustrophobic sub. Even if Sean Connery was on it.
Up In Smoke
A bedraggled looking Toni has trouble keeping up during the sprint to get a taxi, but Dallas urges her on. “I need water!” she begs. Tina complains (shocking, I know) about their taxi driver’s smoking because it’s blowing back in her face. That would annoy me to no end also, but...sometimes you just have to suck it up. No, not the smoke. The situation. It’s worth a million bucks, people! Ken tells her to hush and deal with it, and refuses to tell him to put it out like she asks. Er, demands. In a moment symbolic of this entire season, poor Dandrew gets drenched with water as a garbage truck passes by and splashes them as they try to hail a cab. How’s that song go? If it weren’t for bad luck, I’d have no luck at all….
At the park, they get a Roadblock: someone has to wander around the Graveyard of the Fallen Monuments (a statue-filled park), find all the statues of Lenin and Stalin, and count them. There are 6 Lenins and 2 Stalins - they must then go to a local bookstore and tell the owner that number, 62. She will hand them a book with a clue to an address on page 62. At this address will be the other smiling team member, waiting. Doesn’t sound too hard, right?
Well, it must have been harder than it looked. Nick was the only one who nailed it the first time (imagine that), and was giggling in glee over his “theft” of Tina and Ken’s GPS-enabled cab as they did the Roadblock and he and Starr left. Nick thought himself quite the evil genius for taking a cab that was just sitting there. Dork. Meanwhile, Tina futzes around putting more clothes on – if the majority of your boobs weren’t hanging out, you wouldn’t be so cold, woman. Ken tries to tell her to put it in gear and do the Roadblock already, but she’s having none of it until she covers those puppies up.
Dan and Andrew? Went to the wrong park, of course. You expected anything different?
While Tina gets dressed, “Teen Wolf” Dallas is busy screwing up. He doesn’t know his Stalins from his Lenins, and gives the wrong number to the bookstore woman. Then he has to wait out a ten minute penalty until he can try again. He waits, he guesses again, he’s wrong! By now, Tina has arrived to give her answer, and…..she’s wrong too. She tries again, gets it right, and gives Dallas a little help. Dallas would probably still be there, racking up ten minute penalties if she hadn’t helped him. Ken later fusses at her for helping another team so late in the race. She admits it was stupid, but - oh well. For someone that looks so mean, Tina sure is one of the nicer ones. At least to people not named Ken. Andrew finally arrives at the right park, and gets a local to help him pick out the correct statues.
My Little Ponytail
By now, teams are headed for Sokol’niky Park, where they must find a woman with a Shetland pony for the next clue. Poor Starr has no clue what a Shetland pony is, thinking it’s a version of a ponytail hairstyle. Er, no. Nick sets her straight. Nick and Starr and Ken and Tina get the clue, but when Toni and Dallas rush up to get it, the camoflauge-clad woman says “nyet.” Mother and son look confused. They reread the clue to discover that they were supposed to get there by taxi, which they didn’t. Back they go. Has nobody learned from the divorcees?
The pony clue was a Detour: Ride the Rails or Ride the Lines. Now, this was one big confusing mess to watch, so I’ll spare you the play by play. Suffice it to say that Nick and Starr rode the metro (rails) with no problem, Nick being a New Yorker and no stranger to confusing subways. Ken and Tina ride the lines, which are street trolleys. But there were several kinds of trolley-looking vehicles running around, so of course they managed to get on the wrong kind and have to backtrack.
The most important thing to happen here? Dallas left his backpack in the taxi, along with all their money and passports. Cue the dude-you-just-blew-it gong noise. Hell, cue it a couple more times just because. To her credit, Toni doesn’t lose it and insert a foot in his behind. Instead, she calmly decides to ask people for help. And they get it! Several kind passersby give them cab fare and trolley fare, but they’re losing valuable time.
Elaine Would Be Proud
Over in Speedbump land, Dandrew is performing (and I use that term loosely) a traditional Russian dance as their penalty for coming in last on the previous episode. Oh, do they suck. If you thought Dan’s “marching” last week looked like a demented duck, his dancing is no better. To be fair, this looked harder than the marching. But still. They have to do it twice because the first time was so bad, and the judge finally sends them on their way and puts them out of their misery. And ours. And hers.
A blur of trolleys later (really, do all the editors have ADD?), Ken and Tina and Dandrew all find the keymaker and the next clue: haul butt to the train station and use their key to open a numbered locker. Inside is a postcard with the name and picture of the Pit Stop, VNDKh Park Station. Good. Pictures. This should help the reading-challenged individuals.
Or not. Nick and Starr have already checked in with the Philiminator while Ken, Tina, and Dandrew rush around VNDKh Park Station, looking for the clue box. Unbelievably, the frats find the clue box first while Tina doesn’t spot the huge building over her shoulder that’s depicted in the freaking picture she’s holding in her hand. The building near the clue box. Ugh. But, aha! She does spy Dandrew zipping off to the mat, and she screeches “Dang it, Kenny!” as the Bickersons run off after the frats.
Without the damn clue. The one they need to check in.
So Phil sends them back as editing tries to manufacture some dramatic ending: will Toni and Dallas catch up? *sigh* It was a valiant effort, but...no. Here’s how they ended up:
1st - Nick and Starr, winning yet another trip. This time to Anguilla.
2nd - Dan and Andrew. They look so happy they could wet themselves. Just please don’t dance, guys.
3rd - Ken and Tina, after going back for the clue they ran right by.
Out - sadly, Toni and Dallas. Dallas looks guilty and shellshocked as Phil comes to get them. They didn’t even make it back to the mat. Or, Phil took pity and went to them. Either way, Toni gives a glowing speech about how much she loves her baby boy, kissing him on the cheek and admitting that the Race was the best experience of her life. Aww. You’ll be missed, guys!
Some gossip: Dallas and Starr have been dating for six months now. Take that, Christy.
Next week: the finale! With these three very different teams, it should be a good one. See you then!