Last week: even though Adrian gave a valiant effort, he and Dana were booted after being unable to complete the highwire challenge. Jeff and Jordan won the leg while both Brent and Caite and Dan and Jordan incurred penalties for being careless. This week: we have animals, a couple of unchallenging challenges, blurred cow butts, and two invisible teams. Seriously, did Monique and Shawne and Steve and Allie do something to piss off editing?
Teams are still in Chile (not to be confused with China), and upon ripping open their next clue find that they must travel back to Santiago by bus to hop on another bus for the 575 mile ride to Puerto Varas. There, they will drive themselves to a lake by Hotel Petrohue (warning: stick shift ahead!) and jump aboard a boat there to get to Mirador and the next clue.
As they all head to the bus depot for tickets, Jet and Cord wax poetic about The Importance of Wearing Hats. Later: a discussion of how to protect said Hats from the never-ending Chilean rain in this leg. Carol and Brandy share their newfound respect for Jeff and Jordan, the latter having won the leg last week after certain teams didn’t think they could manage to tie their own shoelaces. Even though Carol and Brandy show some love to J & J, they decide to hook up with Joe and Heidi - no, not like that - and work with them on the Race.
It doesn’t take long for someone to get miffed over this, and the first miffee is Michael. At least I think it’s Michael (I never can learn all their names this early) - it’s the really tall, loud, scary detective. The last one I’d want to tick off. Anyhoo, Joe saves new buds Carol and Brandy a spot in the ticket line while they’re off getting a mani/pedi (total conjecture on my part, but a distinct possibility). When the ladies get there and play cutsies, Michael blows up, letting everyone in a three mile radius know that he thinks that’s quite unfair. Maybe not, man, but totally within the rules.
The shady move paid off, though, as the foursome nabbed the last tickets on the early bus. The other teams resign themselves to the fact that they’ll be stuck on a bus arriving at Puerto Varas an hour later (two hours for poor Jody and Shannon). Except for Jeff, Jordan, Brent, Caite, and the cowboys, who venture off to inquire about other ways to get there - namely, a more roundabout connecting bus route.
Missed the Bus
They all hit paydirt, with Jeff and Jordan finding a bus leaving at 6:30 pm. Brent spills the beans to the cowboys that they have a 6:30 bus, which beats the 7 pm bus that the cowpokes bought tickets for. But when Jet and Cord head back to the counter to exchange their tickets for the better ones, they discover that the 6:30 bus leaves from another terminal, about 10 minutes down the road.
Oh my gravy. Jeff, Jordan, Brent and Caite are clueless about this little fact, frantically looking for their bus as Jet and Cord snigger in the background. Of course, the guys decide to keep this information to themselves. Too late, the clueless four rush off to the other terminal, only to miss the bus by minutes. Panicked, they all haul butt back to the original terminal to catch the bus the cowboys are on - and miss that one, too. “That’s crap!” Jeff declares, as the cowboys ride off alone, giggling evilly the whole way. Brent is a little more eloquent, saying that “The cowboys are the most magical people ever.” It’s the hats, people. The Power of the Hats. Jeff - that goofy white skullcap? No magic. And Caite - that sparkly, silver headband? No magic. This isn’t Xanadu, girl.
A 1 am bus is all that’s left, but it still arrives ahead of most of the other teams. Go figure.
Como se llama?
Jet and Cord gleefully head to the lake at Petrohue, making jokes about seeing Juan Valdez on his burro and admiring the scenery, only to find that the trail doesn’t open until 7:30 am. They wait it out, then take the hike and the not-so-fun-looking boat ride to the waiting Detour.
And what a cheesy, easy Detour it is. Take your pick of Llama Adoration (dress up a llama with a scarf and blanket) or Condor Consternation (put on a goofy, two-person plastic bird suit, run off a pier and “fly” into the water to a waiting target/clue). Jet and Cord choose the llamas, deeming themselves “llama whisperers” and having no trouble picking out a calm llama to dress up. Blanket on, scarf tied around the llama's neck. Off to Bellavista Farm they go. It’s the Hats.
Not having such an easy time of it is Joe, who gets the crap kicked out of him by a not so chill llama. Louie and Michael also succeed in scaring the poo out of the animals, trying to dress them by force. Brent, Caite, Jeff and Jordan all pass on the llama fun and instead choose to jump into the cold lake wearing the condor outfit, which looks more like Beaky Buzzard to me. But what do I know. Both teams don the silly suit, run down the pier, and sail majestically two whole feet before plopping into the chilly water about twenty feet short of the targets. Epic fail. They all swim out and grab the next clue, because those plastic wings were never going to carry them there.
And hey, look - here’s Steve and Allie! They are alive, after all. They follow up the lake jumpers with their own belly flops into the water. Still no sign of Monique and Shawne, who could be in another country for all we know. Getting the It Was Nice Knowing You edit are Jody and Shannon, who seem to be sightseeing and not racing. Sure, yes, take in the pretty sights, but didn’t you sign up to win some money in the end, too? Ugh. Move yer ass, people.
Meanwhile, over in I Can’t Drive a Stick Land are Dan and Jordan. Jordan can’t even get the car moving (err, maybe take the emergency brake off?) so Dan the Man takes over. Once he gets the poor, shrieking transmission going, they promptly get lost. And start yelling at each other. Terms like “Punk” and “Idiot” are thrown around. Have I mentioned that this isn’t one of my favorite teams? Because they’re not.
Once the Detour mess is over, teams zip off to the Bellavista farm. Or, in Jody and Shannon’s case, they probably strolled. And took lots of pictures. Jet and Cord are first to arrive, finding a Roadblock where one of them has to go around the farm and gather up the ingredients necessary to make a kuchen, some kind of cake/pastry. They need: a baker’s dozen of eggs, a bowl of sugar, some flour, a plate of butter (calling Paula Deen!), and some milk, straight out of the cow.
Well you know any self respecting cowboy has milked a cow at least once in his life, so this poses no problem for Cord. He fills the cup with milk and gathers the rest of the stuff up in a jiffy, using his plastic Hat Protector to hold the eggs. And just like that, they’re off to the Pit Stop. Of note: everyone who performed the Roadblock knew what a baker’s dozen was. I’m sure they were hoping this would trip someone up (as was I), but alas, they all knew to grab thirteen eggs. And no, Jordan didn’t perform this Roadblock. City boy Jeff did, and did it surprisingly well.
Not enjoying their trip to the farm so much were Heidi and Carol, who thought the place reeked. Holding true to their alliance, they worked together to find all of the ingredients. I was really hoping Brandy would do this one, just so I could watch her slip on cow dung. Not quite, but almost as funny: Heidi recoiling in horror after a cow let it rip right next to her. Ha. Brent advises his cow that she “Smelled like ass” while Jordan observes his cow relieving itself right after he milked her, snarking “Had you done that while I was milking you, we would not be friends.” The good folks at CBS decided that we viewers could not handle seeing a cow poop on prime time, so they blurred out the offensive sight. Okay then. Next week, could you guys blur out Andy Rooney for me? Thanks in advance.
Signs, Signs, Everywhere a Sign
As this is going on, clueless detectives Louie and Michael head to the farm, driving right past the clearly marked red sign (all it was missing was flashing neon lights saying “Here’s the freaking farm!!). They end up riding all the way to the Pit Stop town, running into Jeff and Jordan, who are fruitlessly searching for Phil. Jeff kindly tells the detectives which way to go, and they curse their stupidity for missing the sign. I hope they're more observant in their day jobs.
Still not shown: Steve, Allie, Monique and Shawne. Which bodes well for them, I suppose - if this was their week to get the boot, they’d be getting all kinds of goodbye airtime. Just like sightseers Jody and Shannon.
The farm fun continues as Michael does the Roadblock, slipping and utterly busting his ass on the kitchen floor, smashing the plate of butter. He’s okay, if a bit ego-bruised, and soldiers on with the task. What worried me was poor grandma Jody getting clocked in the head by a cow hoof: Betsy really nailed her good, causing Jody to spill the cup of milk and have to refill. I hope she picked another cow for this. Michael finally grabs all the ingredients and turns them in for his clue - and grabs the plate of kuchen as he leaves! I don’t think it was put out there as a snack for the taking, but he didn’t seem to care. One of the cooks looked offended, but really. Would you fight a dude as big as Michael over a piece of cake? I thought not. Michael thoughtfully hands the cake over to Louie to nosh on as they read their clue to the Pit Stop.
And here’s how they ended up greeting Phil on the Amazing Bathmat:
1st - Jet and Cord, each winning a sailboat. “Good stuff!” they drawl.
2nd - Joe and Heidi, narrowly edging out:
3rd - Carol and Brandy. Boo.
4th - Brent and Caite. Please lose that headband.
5th - Monique and Shawne. Where’d they come from?!
6th - Jeff and Jordan, after getting confused about the Pit Stop location.
7th - Steve and Allie, the invisible team.
8th - Dan and Jordan, who need to sign up for driving lessons.
9th - Louie and Michael, the cake nabber.
Outta there - Jody and Shannon. No big surprise here, with the way they were meandering around the countryside. I was really hoping to see how far grandma could go, but it was not meant to be. After the typical “I’m so proud/happy/grateful” speeches, they’re sent on their way. I’m disappointed.
Next week: Carol and Brandy try to buddy up to Jet and Cord, hoping some of the magic Hat Power will rub off on them. The cowboys don’t fall for it. Carol and Brandy then proceed to argue like mad, reminding me why I loathe most “dating couples”on this show. Meh.