Welcome, Amazing Race fans! Last week’s premiere revealed the surprise elimination of two teams, some awesome footage of the Great Wall of China, and one hellacious climb up said Wall for the teams. If you missed the first episode, I highly recommend checking out suncat’s entertaining recap here. For now, we’re left with ten teams in the race. Who do you think will get Philiminated this time? Let’s find out....
On A Slow Bus To China
After a mandatory 12 hour rest period in China, the teams are rarin’ to go again. The remaining teams are to travel 963 miles by bus and train to Outer Mongolia, then they must find the Choijin Lama temple for their next clue. Pretty boys Tyler and James are first to depart, leaving at 9:04 pm. They tell us how great it is to be able to experience things without being under a drug-induced stupor, and are the first team to sign up for the bus trip, snagging the 12 am seats. Duke and Lauren are close behind, with Peter and the still-leaking Sarah next. Beauty queens Dustin and Kandice come in fourth, and confide that they’re so glad they have each other, because, gosh-darnit - there’s just not many people you can count on in the cutthroat world of pageantry. Yeah, whatever. Dysfunctional couple Rob and Kimberly manage to make it all of 30 seconds without arguing, and get the last seats on the 12 am bus. Kellie and Jamie, Erwin and Godwin, Tom and Terry, Lyn and Karlyn, and David and Mary all get seats on the 2 am bus.
While waiting for the first bus to depart, the teams gather around and socialize. Mary says that she’s making friends with all kinds of people that she’d never thought she’d meet. Such as Asian people. And gay people! “I like ‘em!” she says. I have to wonder just where in Kentucky these two live. They can’t be that secluded (as the strains of Dueling Banjos plays in my head). After some annoying cheers from the unambiguously gay duo Tom and Terry and resident cheerleaders Kellie and Jamie, the first bus takes off into the night. The remaining five teams yuk it up and learn some dance moves while waiting for their 2 am departure.
The first bus arrives at the Erlian Train Station in China, and the first five teams rush to get train tickets. Kandice and Dustin think it’d be a good idea to sneak off “conspicuously” and try to get some info on the side. Tyler and James see the pair slide off into the shadows, and bust them in their attempt to borrow someone’s cell phone. They try to look innocent, but the guys don’t buy it.
Step Right Up, Ladies and Gents...
In what is probably the most distasteful scene this episode, Sarah and Peter are relaxing on the stairs outside, and a crowd of gawkers has gathered to look at Sarah’s prosthetic leg. No, no, that’s not the distasteful part. Peter’s comment, “It’s good having a physical disability, because we’re going to use that to our advantage,” is what set me off. That, and the way he goaded Sarah to dance a little jig and run along the stairs in the hopes of getting a bit of spare change from the onlookers. Yep, good ol’ Peter put his girlfriend up as a freak show to get some cash. Thankfully, he didn’t get one thin jiao, and I’m left with the urge to kick this guy in the teeth.
Somehow, the last five teams catch up with the first five at the train station. All teams get on the same train, and travel through the Gobi desert to reach Mongolia. Tyler and James wax poetic once again about their journey to soberness, looking at the desolate scenery through the train’s windows. We get it, guys. The teams all hop into taxis and speed off down the awful streets in the rain. Seriously, some of those potholes could swallow a VW. Kimberly gets splashed in the face with some dirty water, and wonders aloud if she could catch any diseases from it. I’m hoping she’ll get laryngitis, myself. Kellie and Jamie, Rob and Kimberly, and Tom and Terry make it to the temple first and watch the ceremony to get the next clue: teams must choose an old Russian jeep and drive 43 miles to the village of Terelj, and make their way to a riverbed. There, they will follow a Mongolian nomad on horseback two and a half miles to find a meadow where their next clue is located (it sounds so much better when Phil says it). The first three teams jump in their clunkers, grinding gears. Kellie and Jamie seem to get lost as the remaining teams reach the temple, except for Tyler and James, whose cab driver has taken them to the wrong place. Ouch.
Somehow, Kandice and Dustin manage to find an American to point them in the right direction, while David and Mary enlist the help of a local, dragging him into the jeep for the ride. Terry makes an ass of himself, trying to imitate a horse while asking for directions. Rob takes a wrong turn and actually admits that he was wrong, bringing a smile to Kimberly’s face, while Kellie and Jamie are getting way off track.
If It Weren't For Bad Luck, I'd Have No Luck At All
They’re not the only ones having trouble - Tyler and James get a flat tire. To make matters worse, the hydraulic jack doesn’t work (I think they didn’t have the valve closed, myself. But what do I know). Rob and Kimberly drive up to the stranded pair, offering their jack, but it they can’t get it out. They drive off, and Lyn and Karlyn pass them by, too: “Screw them. I don’t feel sorry about their tire being flat!” A passerby finally stops and helps them change the tire, and they’re soon on their way again.
Kellie has a minor freak-out after stalling her jeep, but Jamie calms her down and she gets the heap restarted. Sarah prepares for the upcoming horse ride by changing her foot out to a more realistic one. They are the first to arrive, and don their Mongolian hats before hopping on the horses. Kandice and Dustin arrive next, and holler something about Mongolian barbeque. I never knew there was such a thing until I Googled it. David and Mary promptly drive their jeep straight into a huge mud pile, getting stuck. And here I thought all Southern boys knew how to go mudding. Mary fusses at him the whole time, but he doesn’t say much.
Tom and Terry (I keep wanting to type Tom and Jerry) ride off on their horses, followed by Rob and Kimberly. Kimberly asks stupid question number two of the night: “Can horses smell fear?” Rob says they can’t, and she complains that she doesn’t like riding horses. I’m sure they don’t like you either, honey. The horse must have heard her, because after she kicked it (at Rob’s insistence), the horse ran her smack into a tree limb, knocking her to the ground. She wails while Rob sits on his horse: “Dude, I don’t know what to do!” For starters, how about not calling your girlfriend “dude”? Secondly, get your ass off the horse and help her up, puddinghead. Sheesh. It looks like everyone wants to get into the act, as one of the beauty queens falls off her horse and is dragged along the ground. Thankfully, Peter and Sarah make it to the clue box before they get injured. They open the clue to find:
- Detour: Take It Down or Fill It Up. Teams can choose to tear down and fold a Mongolian shelter, packing it on a camel, or they can choose to lead a hynik (an ox-like animal) to the river, fill up four urns with water, and lead the animal back to fill up one larger urn.
Peter and Sarah choose to Tear It Down, and it’s quickly apparent that they suck at it. Royally. Sarah tries to talk herself through it, but it annoys Peter and she zips it. Everything annoys Peter. They lose patience and give up on the task, going to Fill It instead. They fare no better here, as their hynick runs off in a snit, leaving a trail of urns along the way. I’d run from Peter, too. They get the animal back, Peter gets all condescending with Sarah, and it runs off with the cart again. Hee! They give up and go back to the original task, as Sarah cries once more.
The beauty queens have chosen the Fill It task, and lead their critter to the water and back with little trouble, as do Tyler and James. Lyn and Karlyn choose Tear It Down, getting snippy with each other. They also give up and go to the Fill It task instead. Tom and Terry and Edwin and Godwin fill the urns, as do Rob and Kimberly, bitching at each other the whole time. Lovely couple, these two. Duke and Lauren tear the tent down with relative ease, ending up first because Dustin and Kandice have lost one of their hats (which they must bring back). After getting a replacement vehicle, David and Mary run to finish the Fill It task. Perpetually lost cheerleaders Kellie and Jamie arrive and tear down the shelter while Dustin and Kandice wander the field in search of their hat. Somehow, between the crying, yelling, and lost hats, they all complete the tasks and get their next clue.
Today Is Our Stupid Day
On to Hotel Mongolia for the next clue! Duke and Lauren were in first place, until about 100 cars pass him on the way. Put your foot in it, Duke! This guy drives like my grandmother. Edwin and Godwin’s jeep stalls on the way, as does Kellie and Jamie’s and Lyn and Karlyn’s. They all get help in getting the junkers cranked up, losing precious time. Tyler and James and Peter and Sarah reach the next clue box first, and open it to reveal:
- Roadblock: one team member must shoot a flaming arrow into a dish 160 feet away, lighting the contents to get their next clue. They must then run to a nearby pavilion to the Pit Stop.
Peter Perfect takes the bow and hits the target after a few tries - they run to the Pit Stop and learn that they’re in first place, earning them a trip to Mexico. I sure hope Montezuma has his revenge on Peter. Phil tells Peter and Sarah about their prize, then asks if they imagined they would be “two legs into the race” and in first place. I’m sure he didn’t mean it in a snarky way, but I laughed nonetheless. Back to the race: Tyler and James hit the bowl with their arrow, and head on to the Pit Stop. Once again, the cheerleaders have gotten lost on the way. Lauren shoots her arrow nicely into the target while Tom fumbles with his bow. After many, many tries, he finally gets it. Kimberly tries her hand at archery as Rob fusses in the background, and David surprises me again by totally sucking at using the bow. I guess he’s not a bow-hunter, either. So much for most of my Southern stereotypes! Flaming arrows land everywhere, and all of the teams but two have completed the task. Lyn and Karlyn show up late, and the cheerleaders are still MIA. Lyn manages to hit the target, and Kellie and Jamie finally show up. Sadly, Kellie can’t get her arrow to hit the bowl after many tries. It gets dark and they finally give up, making them the 3rd team eliminated. The teams ended up finishing as follows:
Peter and Sarah - 1st
Tyler and James - 2nd
Duke and Lauren - 3rd
Tom and Terry - 4th
Dustin and Kandice - 5th
Rob and Kimberly - 6th
David and Mary - 7th
Edwin and Godwin -8th
Lyn and Karlyn - 9th
Kellie and Jamie - eliminated
So, the directionally-challenged cheerleaders from South Carolina are eliminated. Who will cheer with Tom and Terry now? Join us next week as Duke and Lauren run out of money, and Tom and Terry fight with Dustin and Kandice. Meow!
Off for some Mongolian barbeque....firstname.lastname@example.org