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Here we are, the end of season 13. Who’s going to step on the mat first and take home a million bucks: uber-competitive brother and sister Nick and Starr, bickering almost-divorced couple Ken and Tina, or the bumbling bad-luck frats Dan and Andrew? If this season is any indication, the winner won’t be a big surprise.
Running on Empty
Of course, what would a finale show be without a few quickie clips of teams that have bit the dust? The happy hippies, Christy’s bike crash where she said hello to the curb, the wonder that is Terence, and Dallas’ spectacular screw up in Moscow. Good times, good times. I’m sure the remaining teams aren’t too heartbroken to say goodbye to Moscow as they rip open their clues to find that they’re headed back to the States. Portland, Oregon, to be exact. 5000 miles, the last butt-numbing flight they’ll have to endure.
Nick and Starr exchange I love you’s and admit that they’re sleep-deprived and running on pure adrenaline as they head off to buy plane tickets at 10:56 pm. They nab a 7:05 flight, which apparently the other teams get, also. Must not have been too important, as they never showed us.
Dan and Andrew think they do deserve to be in the final three (did someone tell them otherwise? Or have they been reading internet message boards?). They’re been through some hard times on the race, the frats say, so this is why they should be in the finals. Okay, guys. You haven’t been awesome racers, but you have been the comedy relief, I’ll give you that.
Ken and Tina take off last, with Tina vowing not to be all nice and help-y like she has been. They’re overjoyed to read that they’re headed to the Northwest, and get all smoochy and lovey-dovey at the ticket counter. It’s better than watching them bitch at each other, but let’s see how long it lasts. Probably as long as it takes to get to the first task.
A Rabbit’s Foot Would Fit Better...
Of course, golden children Nick and Starr land a cab in Portland first, causing Ken to gripe that the siblings have lucky horseshoes stuck in their behinds. Nah, they wouldn’t be able to run so fast, Ken.
Their first task is a Detour: High and Dry or Low and Wet. In High and Dry, teams must climb 30 feet up a tree, cross alog, and leap onto a trapeze bar, grabbing the clue that is hanging from it. Tina, hating heights as she does, chooses this one instead of Low and Wet, which I really wanted to see someone do. Alas, noone chooses to cross the 850 foot floating log bridges. Phooey. I wanted to see someone take a spill into the river.
Tina timidly climbs the tree, futzing with her loose safety hat the whole way. Ken pleads with her to knock it off with the hat-fixing, and she fusses back at him. She finally just lets the thing hang. But she hesitates to jump off the end of the log (I would too, safety harness be damned), irritating Ken further. She finally gets it done, and Starr scrambles up the tree behind her.
Meanwhile - yep, you guessed it - the frats have picked the most inept taxi driver in Oregon and have gotten lost. Dan is strangely quiet, sitting in the cab looking somewhat defeated, but Andrew testily asks the doofus driver for his cell phone so he can call for directions. I notice the cab has a GPS system, but apparently the driver doesn’t understand what all the pretty buttons do. I almost feel bad for the frats. Almost.
Once they get out of the trees, teams must head to the Bridge of the Gods where a zip line awaits them. Oh joy, thinks Tina. More heights. It’s Nick and Starr’s turn to have taxi troubles, as their driver takes them past the offramp to the bridge. This lets Ken and Tina take first place. It might not be a blowout by Nick and Starr after all! Hey, it could happen. Quit laughing.
After fretting about the zip line ride down across the river, Tina actually seemed to enjoy it, yelling happily to Ken all the way down. Ken goofs around, going upside down for part of the ride. Nick and Starr arrive at the zip line as Dan and Andrew are...somewhere. Somewhere in Oregon, that’s all I can tell you. Perhaps sipping a latte at Starbucks, I don’t know.
I Think I Can...
The next task is a stinker, one of those memory things that always kick the teams’ tired butts at the end of the race. They must work together, matching up a clue from each leg of the race with a corresponding picture from a clue box in an adjacent field. It wouldn’t be so bad, except there are 150 freaking clue boxes in the field to go with only ten clues. Ken and Tina get to it, Nick and Starr catch up, and Ken frets that the siblings are catching up. Forget them, snips Tina, and worry about what we’re doing. They’re all huffing and puffing, out of breath, and it’s a close race - but Nick and Starr barely edge out Ken and Tina.
Off to find a green dinosaur in downtown Portland go Nick and Starr. Did I just hear Nick call his sister "Rock Starr?" Cute. They have a cab race with Ken and Tina, leapfrogging all the way down the highway. Once they get downtown, Nick and Starr’s cab heads one way, Ken and Tina’s the other. Looks like Nick and Starr got the better route, as they find Barney’s little green cousin first in the building window. Ken and Tina lose precious time going to the wrong buildings.
Oh, look. Dan and Andrew are still around. They’re just getting to the zip line. And Dan is still strangely quiet and defeated-looking.
Next task is to find a Russian food cart somewhere on Alder street. Both Ken and Tina and Nick and Starr get lots of help in the form of directions from locals, and make quick work of this task. Even though Starr confuses the Italian flag with a Russian one. Eh, she’s just tired. I hope. This is the same girl who confused a Shetland pony with a ponytail, so...yeah.
Mmmm....Donuts
And the last task of the season comes in cryptic form: the clue reads "The magic is in the hole." This is the slogan of local donut shop Voodoo Donuts, but the teams don’t know that until they ask some locals. Ken and Tina ask alady which way to go, and she says she saw Nick and Starr go that-a-way, but implores Tina to go the other way since it’s shorter. Off they go, and Tina almost gets hit by a car as she runs across the road without looking.
Both teams find Voodoo donuts, and with it, the clue directing them to the final Pit Stop. Yay! Unfortunately, cabs seem to be in short supply in this part of town, and neither team has much success at getting one. Ken even tries to bribe a customer out of a taken taxi with 50 bucks, but it doesn’t get him anything but a snotty reply by the taxi driver. Starr is in full freak-out mode, Tina is stressing out, and Nick hasn’t even broken a sweat. Is this guy human? He’s like a little freaking Energizer bunny, he just keeps going and going....
Finally, the cab gods smile upon the racers and send a couple of cars their way. Ken and Tina do a little prayer as Nick and Starr hug and try to calm their nerves on the way to the Pit Stop. Dan and Andrew are....oh, never mind. It’s hopeless at this point. They haven’t been shown for twenty minutes, so they’re guaranteed toast. I’m so disappointed.
And here’s a windblown but still cute Phil, standing on the Amazing Bathmat surrounded by all the Philiminated teams. Except for Toni and Dallas, presumably still stick in Moscow. Poor things. A taxi pulls up, a team gets out...it’s...Nick and Starr! Well, really now, who did you expect? This has to be one of the most non-suspenseful endings ever. Ken and Tina put up a good fight at the end, but Nick and Starr were just a couple of racing juggernauts.
So they run to the mat, the other teams are cheering wildly (cut to Christy, forcing a smile), and Phil informs the brother and sister team they they’ve won the million bucks. Yay them. Nick says he’s proud of Starr, loved the experience and was happy to be able to share it with her. Starr gives the other teams their props and says they made the race fun and competitive. I still want to know: did she push the sports bra to its death, or not?
Ken and Tina run in next, hugging Nick and Starr. Tina’s all emotional as Ken says she’s the best. Phil asks if they reconnected like they planned on doing, and a teary Ken pulls out their unworn wedding bands and puts them back on their fingers, telling Tina that he wants to "start this thing over again." Presumably without the cheating. And the bitching. Oh, well, good luck to them.
Probably several hours later, who knows, Dan and Andrew come running up. At least they’re in good spirits. Phil asks if they thought they’d be in the final three, and they admit that it’s fitting that they end the race the way they started: with lots of mistakes. Everyone breaks out in laughter. Andrew says that they should be inspiration to beer-swilling frat boys everywhere. Now that’s funny.
And so ends season 13, with lots of hugs on the mat. But don’t fret, Race fans, the next season will start in February. So we won’t have to wait too long to get our Phil fix. Enjoy the holidays, and I hope to see you for season 14!
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I'm very happy to be rid of Ken and Tina. 
