The Accidental TAR-ist, Part 4

**Mariner** · 10-20-2005, 04:05 PM

Welcome to the Accidental TARist, a weekly article from the mods and writers of the FORT staff. Each week, teams will be dissected and analyzed for the good, the bad, and the ugly for each leg of the race. Join us in laughing at each team's triumphs, misadventures, and what just might keep them in the race another leg or send them home sooner.

The Weaver Family a.k.a. Team United

Cheap Tricks
The Weaver family continue to work their way through the grief process, aided by TAR producers eager for a quick emotional kick. By scheduling a stop at a motor speedway while knowing that the Weaver family patriarch was killed by a racing car, the show’s producers must’ve been hoping for a meltdown. Instead, the situation was handled with aplomb by the entire family. Mom Weaver reminded the family that their dad loved racing, and the family high-fived their way to the finish line. Couple that with the ability to reel off a prayer quicker than an auctioneer at a three family estate sale, and the Weavers seem to be doing fine.

What’s up with the hate, yo?
If this were a popularity contest the Weavers would be in last place, hands down. No reason is given for being the object of derision by their fellow TARists, but inquiring minds speculate that the Weavers may be a tad self-righteous. Whatever the case, getting along with their fellow contestants is an ideal the Weavers need to work on. Quickly.

Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?®
Fifth graders all over America gasped when Linda named Lake Pontchartrain as one of the Great Lakes. Fuzzy geography skills, along with a fifth-place finish, mean the Weaver family may be in trouble before long.

The Godlewski Family, AKA Team Desperate Housewives

Smooth as a Mint Julep
Repetitively, this team is still solid -- solidly in the middle. They continue to operate fairly smoothly. Their idea to run into an Internet cafe to look up the location of the trailer park was a good one -- while it might have just been easier to ask someone, it certainly beat driving around aimlessly, refusing to believe you might actually be looking for a trailer park.

Harsh as Bad Moonshine
Finally, this team is starting to show some cracks at the seams, and they ain't pretty. Personality conflicts and one sister's baffling crying jag/manipulation effort don't seem to have slowed this team down -- yet -- but certainly don't help. Conflict is only natural, especially among siblings, and these four women were long overdue to release what have to be some pent-up resentments. But you can cry, and scream about who made you cry, all you want -- if it doesn't help you run faster, honey, it's a flaw.

One for the Road
This team is starting to show stress. They were a middle-of-the-pack team from the start, and the cracks in their happy little unit aren't going to propel them forward, they're going to slow them down. These ladies may be lucky to make it out of the neverending American leg of this race.

The Bransen Family a.k.a. Team Sunny Side Up

Two Moons Over My Hammy, Please: Perhaps it’s the sweet tea in the south, or the brownies bought at the local Gas-N-Sip had a little somethin’- something in them. Either way, the Bransen’s are quietly picking up momentum. From Lauren’s daring climb up the world’s largest office chair to her bare ass hanging out the window at 78.2 mph, this family not only picked up first place on the mat but actually appeared to be having a blast while doing it. A big high five to them for not taking the first departure time they came across at the trailer park. Had this been 2 weeks ago, the decision might have been different.

Better Not Butter Those Buns: There’s doom lurking in the background. The playful giggling and the occasional dropping of the Dazy Duke‘s are fun and all, but should the girls get too friendly with the Linz boys, it could spell disaster at the end. There’s nothing wrong with forming an alliance in order to advance, but it would be a shame if the Bransen’s blew a roadblock in order to flash and extra white smile at the Linz boy’s.

The Waitress Says They Tip Well: Any self-destruction won’t come for a while. The advantage this team does have is laughter, a non-domineering father and physical strength. The betting odds have changed: look for a top three finish.

The Linz Family a.k.a. Team Joker's Wild

A Royal Flash!
Flirtation is in the air for the Brothers' Linz. Not only are they working well and having fun with each other(and their sister), they are sharing the fun with the Bransen girls. While passing the Bransen's on the highway, The Linz family was mooned, and returned the favor when one of the boys leaned out the window and flashed his pec-tacular boobies. Save that stuff for Bourbon Street! Arriving at the trailer park at about the same time as the Bransens, they were wise enough to listen closely and hear some of the other departure times being yelled out. When they found a 7:20 AM departure, they took it and informed their lady friends to look for the same.

An Ace In The Hole?
Most of the challenges seemed easily handled by the Linz family in this episode, but luck was not on their side when they decided to play Blackjack instead of sawing through logs. The dealer kept beating them and they couldn’t even win a hand. So the Linz family pulled their trump card (strength) and got their muscles busy sawing through logs. Their youthfulness, good humor and physicality are a major factor for their recent good finishes.

Four Of A Kind
While the Linz family definitely seems to be having a good time and not really having trouble with the challenges, they need to focus on involving their sister more and more in the daily routine. While the four siblings do all get along well and joke with each other, I sense some frustration from Megan since she is the least involved. If they keep their positive attitude and all work together, I see a top 3 finish.

The Gaghan Family - a.k.a. Team Mighty Munchkins

A Lucky Pen
Although they’re the last to depart, Dad suggests a shortcut at the beginning of the show, and they’re able to edge ahead of two other teams. When Mom and Dad realize their family sucks at blackjack, they change detours and make quick work of slicing through the log. These parents would be quite a threat in the usual TAR, as they are accomplishing most of the tasks on their own.

An Evil Trailer
The longer this team races, the more mistakes in judgment they’re making. They continue to remain in the back of the pack, and as the weaker teams get eliminated, they’re going to find themselves in the back of the pack, alone.

A Tepid Finish
Although it’s great to see parents making sure the kids have a great time while racing, this team needs to get back to putting the race first, or they’ll be the next team to be sent home.

The Paolos aka Team D-I-S-R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Singing in Perfect Harmony
After getting off to their usual discordant start, the Paolos found their stride at the Southern Colonel’s. Unlike some of the other teams, they didn’t panic and choose the first time card they found. As a result, they left at 7:40 the next morning. From there, things just kept getting better. Marion spotted the BP station without a problem. The Paolos even thanked Les profusely for their clue. At Fairview Riverside State Park, they were the first family to choose the faster task. The two boys and mom and dad each acted as a team and sawed through the log pronto. They even left the park in first place. Although they lost their lead to the Bransens in New Orleans, the Paolos finished the leg in uncharted territory for them.

A Cacophony of Sound
Throughout the first part of this episode, it was different leg, same story. The Paolos fought and bitched and moaned their way to each stop. Marion screamed and told her family to shut up and even managed to give poor Brian a paper cut when she whapped him with a clue. The Paolos were last to the World’s Largest Office Chair, last to Talladega and last to the Southern Colonel’s. If other teams hadn’t panicked and ripped off the eight o’clock times before the Paolos arrived, they would have been one of the last to leave the Colonel’s. In fact, as they finished the bike task at Talladega, the storm clouds and thunder and lightning seemed to mirror the Paolos racing style.

Hitting a High Note or a Sour Note?
After barely squeaking by in the first three legs, the Paolos gave the first inkling that they might actually have a chance to stay in this race for awhile. If they are going to do so, they are going to have to make good decisions like they did the second half of this leg. If they revert to being more interested in arguing than racing, the Paolos could plunge from second to last the next leg.

The Schroeder Family a.k.a. Team Insensitive

Mommy's All Right, Daddy's All Right
This week the Schroeder's had a nice start, leaving in third place. Previously they have gotten along as a family, but this week showed definite cracks in family relations, at least between Stassi and Mark. The entire family had tons of negative comments about another team, from calling them white trash, to calling them evil. Karma is a bitch.

They Just Seem A Little Weird
Mark managed to get them lost, even though he had worked within a mile of their intended destination. Stassi has quite the smart mouth on her, and her frequent meltdowns this leg slowed them down, but not as much as Mark's crummy sense of direction. Stassi was also making the classic mistake of worrying more about where another team was, instead of focusing on her own race. Mark over-ruled her on trailer departure times, and that cost them.

Surrender, Surrender (but don't give yourself away)
They all but lost the game from the trailers. Arriving last to the detour, they took extra time by changing tasks. This didn't help their position, but their arrogance remained, with Stassi commenting how it almost wasn't fair that they knew where they were going. At this point, that didn't help, and they hit the mat last. Char and Stassi were both reduced to tears. The less-than-graceful defeat will go down in the top 5 of TAR bad losers.

Special thanks to the contributors, in alphabetical order: Dinahann, Lucy, Mariner, Miss Filangi, mrdobolina, roseskid, speedbump, suncat7 and totoro.

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Leo · 10-21-2005, 01:05 PM

Quote:

Any self-destruction won’t come for a while. The advantage this team does have is laughter, a non-domineering father and physical strength. The betting odds have changed: look for a top three finish.

I agree - and they've really been the big surprise of this season so far.

Great job everyone.

10-20-2005, 04:05 PM	#1
Mariner King Felix Rocks Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: At the Safe Posts: 16,044	The Accidental TAR-ist, Part 4 Welcome to the Accidental TARist, a weekly article from the mods and writers of the FORT staff. Each week, teams will be dissected and analyzed for the good, the bad, and the ugly for each leg of the race. Join us in laughing at each team's triumphs, misadventures, and what just might keep them in the race another leg or send them home sooner. The Weaver Family a.k.a. Team United Cheap Tricks The Weaver family continue to work their way through the grief process, aided by TAR producers eager for a quick emotional kick. By scheduling a stop at a motor speedway while knowing that the Weaver family patriarch was killed by a racing car, the show’s producers must’ve been hoping for a meltdown. Instead, the situation was handled with aplomb by the entire family. Mom Weaver reminded the family that their dad loved racing, and the family high-fived their way to the finish line. Couple that with the ability to reel off a prayer quicker than an auctioneer at a three family estate sale, and the Weavers seem to be doing fine. What’s up with the hate, yo? If this were a popularity contest the Weavers would be in last place, hands down. No reason is given for being the object of derision by their fellow TARists, but inquiring minds speculate that the Weavers may be a tad self-righteous. Whatever the case, getting along with their fellow contestants is an ideal the Weavers need to work on. Quickly. Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?® Fifth graders all over America gasped when Linda named Lake Pontchartrain as one of the Great Lakes. Fuzzy geography skills, along with a fifth-place finish, mean the Weaver family may be in trouble before long. The Godlewski Family, AKA Team Desperate Housewives Smooth as a Mint Julep Repetitively, this team is still solid -- solidly in the middle. They continue to operate fairly smoothly. Their idea to run into an Internet cafe to look up the location of the trailer park was a good one -- while it might have just been easier to ask someone, it certainly beat driving around aimlessly, refusing to believe you might actually be looking for a trailer park. Harsh as Bad Moonshine Finally, this team is starting to show some cracks at the seams, and they ain't pretty. Personality conflicts and one sister's baffling crying jag/manipulation effort don't seem to have slowed this team down -- yet -- but certainly don't help. Conflict is only natural, especially among siblings, and these four women were long overdue to release what have to be some pent-up resentments. But you can cry, and scream about who made you cry, all you want -- if it doesn't help you run faster, honey, it's a flaw. One for the Road This team is starting to show stress. They were a middle-of-the-pack team from the start, and the cracks in their happy little unit aren't going to propel them forward, they're going to slow them down. These ladies may be lucky to make it out of the neverending American leg of this race. The Bransen Family a.k.a. Team Sunny Side Up Two Moons Over My Hammy, Please: Perhaps it’s the sweet tea in the south, or the brownies bought at the local Gas-N-Sip had a little somethin’- something in them. Either way, the Bransen’s are quietly picking up momentum. From Lauren’s daring climb up the world’s largest office chair to her bare ass hanging out the window at 78.2 mph, this family not only picked up first place on the mat but actually appeared to be having a blast while doing it. A big high five to them for not taking the first departure time they came across at the trailer park. Had this been 2 weeks ago, the decision might have been different. Better Not Butter Those Buns: There’s doom lurking in the background. The playful giggling and the occasional dropping of the Dazy Duke‘s are fun and all, but should the girls get too friendly with the Linz boys, it could spell disaster at the end. There’s nothing wrong with forming an alliance in order to advance, but it would be a shame if the Bransen’s blew a roadblock in order to flash and extra white smile at the Linz boy’s. The Waitress Says They Tip Well: Any self-destruction won’t come for a while. The advantage this team does have is laughter, a non-domineering father and physical strength. The betting odds have changed: look for a top three finish. The Linz Family a.k.a. Team Joker's Wild A Royal Flash! Flirtation is in the air for the Brothers' Linz. Not only are they working well and having fun with each other(and their sister), they are sharing the fun with the Bransen girls. While passing the Bransen's on the highway, The Linz family was mooned, and returned the favor when one of the boys leaned out the window and flashed his pec-tacular boobies. Save that stuff for Bourbon Street! Arriving at the trailer park at about the same time as the Bransens, they were wise enough to listen closely and hear some of the other departure times being yelled out. When they found a 7:20 AM departure, they took it and informed their lady friends to look for the same. An Ace In The Hole? Most of the challenges seemed easily handled by the Linz family in this episode, but luck was not on their side when they decided to play Blackjack instead of sawing through logs. The dealer kept beating them and they couldn’t even win a hand. So the Linz family pulled their trump card (strength) and got their muscles busy sawing through logs. Their youthfulness, good humor and physicality are a major factor for their recent good finishes. Four Of A Kind While the Linz family definitely seems to be having a good time and not really having trouble with the challenges, they need to focus on involving their sister more and more in the daily routine. While the four siblings do all get along well and joke with each other, I sense some frustration from Megan since she is the least involved. If they keep their positive attitude and all work together, I see a top 3 finish. The Gaghan Family - a.k.a. Team Mighty Munchkins A Lucky Pen Although they’re the last to depart, Dad suggests a shortcut at the beginning of the show, and they’re able to edge ahead of two other teams. When Mom and Dad realize their family sucks at blackjack, they change detours and make quick work of slicing through the log. These parents would be quite a threat in the usual TAR, as they are accomplishing most of the tasks on their own. An Evil Trailer The longer this team races, the more mistakes in judgment they’re making. They continue to remain in the back of the pack, and as the weaker teams get eliminated, they’re going to find themselves in the back of the pack, alone. A Tepid Finish Although it’s great to see parents making sure the kids have a great time while racing, this team needs to get back to putting the race first, or they’ll be the next team to be sent home. The Paolos aka Team D-I-S-R-E-S-P-E-C-T Singing in Perfect Harmony After getting off to their usual discordant start, the Paolos found their stride at the Southern Colonel’s. Unlike some of the other teams, they didn’t panic and choose the first time card they found. As a result, they left at 7:40 the next morning. From there, things just kept getting better. Marion spotted the BP station without a problem. The Paolos even thanked Les profusely for their clue. At Fairview Riverside State Park, they were the first family to choose the faster task. The two boys and mom and dad each acted as a team and sawed through the log pronto. They even left the park in first place. Although they lost their lead to the Bransens in New Orleans, the Paolos finished the leg in uncharted territory for them. A Cacophony of Sound Throughout the first part of this episode, it was different leg, same story. The Paolos fought and bitched and moaned their way to each stop. Marion screamed and told her family to shut up and even managed to give poor Brian a paper cut when she whapped him with a clue. The Paolos were last to the World’s Largest Office Chair, last to Talladega and last to the Southern Colonel’s. If other teams hadn’t panicked and ripped off the eight o’clock times before the Paolos arrived, they would have been one of the last to leave the Colonel’s. In fact, as they finished the bike task at Talladega, the storm clouds and thunder and lightning seemed to mirror the Paolos racing style. Hitting a High Note or a Sour Note? After barely squeaking by in the first three legs, the Paolos gave the first inkling that they might actually have a chance to stay in this race for awhile. If they are going to do so, they are going to have to make good decisions like they did the second half of this leg. If they revert to being more interested in arguing than racing, the Paolos could plunge from second to last the next leg. The Schroeder Family a.k.a. Team Insensitive Mommy's All Right, Daddy's All Right This week the Schroeder's had a nice start, leaving in third place. Previously they have gotten along as a family, but this week showed definite cracks in family relations, at least between Stassi and Mark. The entire family had tons of negative comments about another team, from calling them white trash, to calling them evil. Karma is a bitch. They Just Seem A Little Weird Mark managed to get them lost, even though he had worked within a mile of their intended destination. Stassi has quite the smart mouth on her, and her frequent meltdowns this leg slowed them down, but not as much as Mark's crummy sense of direction. Stassi was also making the classic mistake of worrying more about where another team was, instead of focusing on her own race. Mark over-ruled her on trailer departure times, and that cost them. Surrender, Surrender (but don't give yourself away) They all but lost the game from the trailers. Arriving last to the detour, they took extra time by changing tasks. This didn't help their position, but their arrogance remained, with Stassi commenting how it almost wasn't fair that they knew where they were going. At this point, that didn't help, and they hit the mat last. Char and Stassi were both reduced to tears. The less-than-graceful defeat will go down in the top 5 of TAR bad losers. Special thanks to the contributors, in alphabetical order: Dinahann, Lucy, Mariner, Miss Filangi, mrdobolina, roseskid, speedbump, suncat7 and totoro.