The Accidental TARist, Part 12 *Finale!*

Mantenna · 02-10-2005, 09:18 PM

Welcome to the final installment of The Accidental TARist. Thank you all for reading (and laughing . . . we hope!) throughout the season and a huge thank you to our talented staff for contributing to the article.

Hayden and Aaron a.k.a. Team Surrender

The slimmest thread of a silver lining: H & A are weak on plus sides for the penultimate leg. When they could run, they ran faster than the other teams. When they had to choose a detour, they chose smart. When they were almost out of air time, they worked those precious minutes to the max. If they hadn’t informed us themselves that they were aspiring actors, we probably could have guessed as soon as Aaron went down on one knee. It was all very romantic (except for the lack of ice—p’shaw, Hayden never would have gone for that), but if I want to watch scripted television, I’ll turn to ABC.

Quitters never prosper: Though they came out of the first detour in second place, H & A meet their Waterloo in the form of The Chinese Cabbie from Hell. In China, does smiling and nodding mean “I don’t have the first clue where you want to go, but I’ll drive in circles for a while and take your money anyway?” The actors slip from second to fourth, arriving at the Terracotta Warriors after all the other teams are gone. When they finish, there are no cabs available but the one they came in, so after a few minutes of searching and shrieking (on Hayden’s part) they get back in. The cabbie smiles and nods when they ask him if he knows the way to Mt. Hua—that should have been their first clue. We don’t know how much later it is when the cabbie stops to ask some people on the side of the road if they know where these crazy Americans want to go. Hayden is on the point of a nervous breakdown and/or psychotic episode when she finds they have been headed in the opposite direction. They manage to find a new cab, though they are in the middle of nowhere, and finally make it to Mt. Hua, where they have further trouble finding the right bus. By the time they get to the north peak to confront the evil key roadblock, two teams are finished. Apparently, Aaron had already done his six roadblocks, so it's up to Hayden (didn't I warn them about this from day one? Kids, why didn't you listen?). Hayden has a melt down, breaks a key, generally makes the challenge harder than it has to be, and finally quits. Yes, quits, though Team Hellraiser is still struggling with them. They take the four hour penalty while there is still a good chance of opening a lock before Rebecca does. Shortly after this decision, Rebecca finds her lock, and the teams race to Hayden and Aaron’s final mat together. They go out with a whimper rather than a bang.

The moral of the story: Hayden and Aaron were physically strong racers, but Hayden’s emotional instability was always a liability. In the end, it may have cost them the race.

Adam and Rebecca, aka Team Coulda Shoulda Woulda

Money For Nothing And Your Chicks For Free: No money? No problem! Rebecca lets the dimples do the work for the team. She quickly racks up some sizable donations from tourists and most notably, a hotel employee, who divvies up $100 US dollars. Adam wisely stays in the shadows, lest someone think they are furthering the cause of the local Satanists. They maintain a healthly lead throughout the first leg of the race, painting a car like dervishes. Adam helps them stay ahead with some subtle subterfuge at the warrior museum. Sometimes it pays to use your head for something other than growing bad hair.

Should I Stay Or Should I Go?: Unfortunately, MasterLocks are immune to Rebecca's many charms. All hope is lost as their lead evaporates. The greater misfortunes of another team allows them to continue on to Hawaii even though they hit the mat last, but it's too far gone for them to recover. Blame mean airline clerks and the stubborness of padlocks.

Will You Still Love Me, Tomorrow?: No million. No proposal. No loving relationship. All is not lost. At least Adam still has a mommy and Rebecca has boosted her modelling career.

Jon and Kris - Long Distance Daters aka Team So Close, Yet So Far Away

Million Dollar Smiles? *sigh*: Jon and Kris continued to show just what good people and good racers they are to the very end. They quickly made up their previous deficit and took the lead going into the final leg when Kris opened her lock well before the next team. The other teams joked about the two of them making out on the way down Mount Hua. As it turned out . . . they were right. Mwa ha ha! On the final leg, Kris showed a remarkable eye for patterns, helping them complete the Outfits Detour before the other two teams were able to finish the Outrigger Detour. Jon had a blast doing the skydiving Roadblock, and when he landed, Kris was right there in the water waiting for him. The duo reached the Honolulu Airport first and had a slight lead before the journey back to America. In Chicago, Kris and Jon were able to not only survive the perilous Blue Line trains but scarf down a deep dish pizza with no drama. Which, honestly, should that be so difficult?

Train in Vain: The duo's extremely happy taxi driver on the way to the Spray Detour seemed to be too busy basking in the glow of his green tea buzz to hurry, and Kris and Jon fell a little behind. Despite their disadvantage, they managed to build up an hour and twenty minute lead going into the last leg. Unfortunately, they lost their entire lead in a terrible lost-in-translation travel agency fiasco which had them running back and forth across town. Freddie and Kendra were long gone and already scheming their next move before Kris and Jon could purchase their tickets. (Kendra's sick child routine no doubt caused a karmalogical shift in the plates of the universe, delaying her and Freddie's flight and putting Kris and Jon's ahead . . . right on the heels of Freddie and Kendra.) Edging into the lead again, Kris and Jon looked good, and their chances of winning seemed high, too. That is . . . until the fateful moment a grinning American Airlines employee led them astray. Fly United to FortCon '05, everyone. Once in Chicago, they pushed forward, Jon cleared the deep dish debris from his teeth for his winning smile, and the pair tore off for the finish line. But . . . heartbreak of heartbreaks! Their path was blocked by a bloody train! When bad things happen to good people, indeed.

Karma Chameleon: As Jon said while they waited for the seemingly endless train to pass before they headed to the finish, it didn’t matter to them that they lost. They have each other. It was a nice change to watch a couple grow closer rather than destroy their relationship during the Race. In the long run, getting to spend time together and share wonderful experiences was more important to Kris and Jon than any amount of money, which is very telling for what lovely, sincere people they are.

And the big winners. . . .

Freddie and Kendra a.k.a. Team Lucky Charms

Triumph of the ~~nerds~~ genetic freaks: They did everything right. Supposedly. Except for the occassional Bo bo outbursts, cultural snobbery, offensive commentary and overall blah factor. But they won! They freakin' won! What did they do in this/these legs again? I do not know. I am lost in the fog of disappointment that Kris and Jon aren't rolling around naked on a bed of 1,000 dollar bills. Instead it's the F & K Cuddle Bunnies, who became cuddlier and more bunny-like after their win. Kendra cried and gave Freddie the joyous honor of being "worthy" enough to seed her ovum with more genetically perfect beings. And Freddie wept and sang Kendra's praises too. All throughout the legs, they managed to work together and find clues fast. Good old luckyness was on their side again as they managed to get good cab drivers, good flights, and managed to find the right lock quickly. Everything was magical all the way to the finish line.

Slapped (too hard) with a Pretty Stick: They won. But not without potential set backs. They weren't the first to unlock their little lock. Kendra freaked out on Freddie while they ate pizza. Annnnnnnnnnnd they're ignorant. So...........yeah. Etc. etc. But they still won. *heavy sigh*

In summation: They're pretty. And they're lucky. Villagers....grab your torches! <---only serious metaphorically. Do not try this at home.

Special thanks to the contributors, in alphabetical order: Bill, Feifer, hepcat, LG., Lucy, Mantenna, Mariner, Shazzer, SnowflakeGirl, Speedbump, spegs, Texicana, and Wayner.

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William13 · 02-10-2005, 09:34 PM

I laughed! I cried!
Mostly I laughed at your writing. I cried when I realized that it wasn't just a bad dream - that Kendra and Freddy actually did win. Obviously it wasn't enough to punch stupid luck last week. You should have knocked him to the ground and kicked him.
Anyway thanks for all the fun along the way of the Amazing Race this season.

cali · 02-10-2005, 10:50 PM

LOVE THIS ARTICLE! Please pardon my yelling, but it was fun to read to the very end! Thanks to all of you

luvcures1 · 02-10-2005, 11:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cali

LOVE THIS ARTICLE! Please pardon my yelling, but it was fun to read to the very end! Thanks to all of you

brncoswthrt · 02-11-2005, 01:45 AM

Awesome Mantenna! Loved every moment of it...and really looking forward to the Accidental TARist - part 7.

Leo · 02-11-2005, 12:42 PM

Great work everyone.

oneTVslave · 02-11-2005, 02:59 PM

I loved this article all season. Great work everyone!

wagon29 · 02-11-2005, 05:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mantenna

I am lost in the fog of disappointment that Kris and Jon aren't rolling around naked on a bed of 1,000 dollar bills.

Now THAT'S funny

ShrinkingViolet · 02-11-2005, 05:53 PM

Awesome job all season long, everyone! This has been a most unexpected highlight augmenting the show.

Thank you Bill, Feifer, hepcat, LG., Lucy, Mantenna, Mariner, Shazzer, SnowflakeGirl, Speedbump, spegs, Texicana, and Wayner.

-ANTM- · 02-13-2005, 03:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mantenna

Special thanks to the contributors, in alphabetical order: Bill, Feifer, hepcat, LG., Lucy, Mantenna, Mariner, Shazzer, SnowflakeGirl, Speedbump, spegs, Texicana, and Wayner.

Is that the list of people that were needed to come up with this 'lets avoid saying racist' sentence?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mantenna

Except for the occassional Bo bo outbursts, cultural snobbery, offensive commentary and overall blah factor.

02-10-2005, 09:18 PM	#1
Mantenna Courtesy and Goodwill Join Date: Apr 2003 Age: 23 Posts: 8,504	The Accidental TARist, Part 12 Finale! Welcome to the final installment of The Accidental TARist. Thank you all for reading (and laughing . . . we hope!) throughout the season and a huge thank you to our talented staff for contributing to the article. Hayden and Aaron a.k.a. Team Surrender The slimmest thread of a silver lining: H & A are weak on plus sides for the penultimate leg. When they could run, they ran faster than the other teams. When they had to choose a detour, they chose smart. When they were almost out of air time, they worked those precious minutes to the max. If they hadn’t informed us themselves that they were aspiring actors, we probably could have guessed as soon as Aaron went down on one knee. It was all very romantic (except for the lack of ice—p’shaw, Hayden never would have gone for that), but if I want to watch scripted television, I’ll turn to ABC. Quitters never prosper: Though they came out of the first detour in second place, H & A meet their Waterloo in the form of The Chinese Cabbie from Hell. In China, does smiling and nodding mean “I don’t have the first clue where you want to go, but I’ll drive in circles for a while and take your money anyway?” The actors slip from second to fourth, arriving at the Terracotta Warriors after all the other teams are gone. When they finish, there are no cabs available but the one they came in, so after a few minutes of searching and shrieking (on Hayden’s part) they get back in. The cabbie smiles and nods when they ask him if he knows the way to Mt. Hua—that should have been their first clue. We don’t know how much later it is when the cabbie stops to ask some people on the side of the road if they know where these crazy Americans want to go. Hayden is on the point of a nervous breakdown and/or psychotic episode when she finds they have been headed in the opposite direction. They manage to find a new cab, though they are in the middle of nowhere, and finally make it to Mt. Hua, where they have further trouble finding the right bus. By the time they get to the north peak to confront the evil key roadblock, two teams are finished. Apparently, Aaron had already done his six roadblocks, so it's up to Hayden (didn't I warn them about this from day one? Kids, why didn't you listen?). Hayden has a melt down, breaks a key, generally makes the challenge harder than it has to be, and finally quits. Yes, quits, though Team Hellraiser is still struggling with them. They take the four hour penalty while there is still a good chance of opening a lock before Rebecca does. Shortly after this decision, Rebecca finds her lock, and the teams race to Hayden and Aaron’s final mat together. They go out with a whimper rather than a bang. The moral of the story: Hayden and Aaron were physically strong racers, but Hayden’s emotional instability was always a liability. In the end, it may have cost them the race. Adam and Rebecca, aka Team Coulda Shoulda Woulda Money For Nothing And Your Chicks For Free: No money? No problem! Rebecca lets the dimples do the work for the team. She quickly racks up some sizable donations from tourists and most notably, a hotel employee, who divvies up $100 US dollars. Adam wisely stays in the shadows, lest someone think they are furthering the cause of the local Satanists. They maintain a healthly lead throughout the first leg of the race, painting a car like dervishes. Adam helps them stay ahead with some subtle subterfuge at the warrior museum. Sometimes it pays to use your head for something other than growing bad hair. Should I Stay Or Should I Go?: Unfortunately, MasterLocks are immune to Rebecca's many charms. All hope is lost as their lead evaporates. The greater misfortunes of another team allows them to continue on to Hawaii even though they hit the mat last, but it's too far gone for them to recover. Blame mean airline clerks and the stubborness of padlocks. Will You Still Love Me, Tomorrow?: No million. No proposal. No loving relationship. All is not lost. At least Adam still has a mommy and Rebecca has boosted her modelling career. Jon and Kris - Long Distance Daters aka Team So Close, Yet So Far Away Million Dollar Smiles? sigh: Jon and Kris continued to show just what good people and good racers they are to the very end. They quickly made up their previous deficit and took the lead going into the final leg when Kris opened her lock well before the next team. The other teams joked about the two of them making out on the way down Mount Hua. As it turned out . . . they were right. Mwa ha ha! On the final leg, Kris showed a remarkable eye for patterns, helping them complete the Outfits Detour before the other two teams were able to finish the Outrigger Detour. Jon had a blast doing the skydiving Roadblock, and when he landed, Kris was right there in the water waiting for him. The duo reached the Honolulu Airport first and had a slight lead before the journey back to America. In Chicago, Kris and Jon were able to not only survive the perilous Blue Line trains but scarf down a deep dish pizza with no drama. Which, honestly, should that be so difficult? Train in Vain: The duo's extremely happy taxi driver on the way to the Spray Detour seemed to be too busy basking in the glow of his green tea buzz to hurry, and Kris and Jon fell a little behind. Despite their disadvantage, they managed to build up an hour and twenty minute lead going into the last leg. Unfortunately, they lost their entire lead in a terrible lost-in-translation travel agency fiasco which had them running back and forth across town. Freddie and Kendra were long gone and already scheming their next move before Kris and Jon could purchase their tickets. (Kendra's sick child routine no doubt caused a karmalogical shift in the plates of the universe, delaying her and Freddie's flight and putting Kris and Jon's ahead . . . right on the heels of Freddie and Kendra.) Edging into the lead again, Kris and Jon looked good, and their chances of winning seemed high, too. That is . . . until the fateful moment a grinning American Airlines employee led them astray. Fly United to FortCon '05, everyone. Once in Chicago, they pushed forward, Jon cleared the deep dish debris from his teeth for his winning smile, and the pair tore off for the finish line. But . . . heartbreak of heartbreaks! Their path was blocked by a bloody train! When bad things happen to good people, indeed. Karma Chameleon: As Jon said while they waited for the seemingly endless train to pass before they headed to the finish, it didn’t matter to them that they lost. They have each other. It was a nice change to watch a couple grow closer rather than destroy their relationship during the Race. In the long run, getting to spend time together and share wonderful experiences was more important to Kris and Jon than any amount of money, which is very telling for what lovely, sincere people they are. And the big winners. . . . Freddie and Kendra a.k.a. Team Lucky Charms Triumph of the ~~nerds~~ genetic freaks: They did everything right. Supposedly. Except for the occassional Bo bo outbursts, cultural snobbery, offensive commentary and overall blah factor. But they won! They freakin' won! What did they do in this/these legs again? I do not know. I am lost in the fog of disappointment that Kris and Jon aren't rolling around naked on a bed of 1,000 dollar bills. Instead it's the F & K Cuddle Bunnies, who became cuddlier and more bunny-like after their win. Kendra cried and gave Freddie the joyous honor of being "worthy" enough to seed her ovum with more genetically perfect beings. And Freddie wept and sang Kendra's praises too. All throughout the legs, they managed to work together and find clues fast. Good old luckyness was on their side again as they managed to get good cab drivers, good flights, and managed to find the right lock quickly. Everything was magical all the way to the finish line. Slapped (too hard) with a Pretty Stick: They won. But not without potential set backs. They weren't the first to unlock their little lock. Kendra freaked out on Freddie while they ate pizza. Annnnnnnnnnnd they're ignorant. So...........yeah. Etc. etc. But they still won. heavy sigh In summation: They're pretty. And they're lucky. Villagers....grab your torches! <---only serious metaphorically. Do not try this at home. Special thanks to the contributors, in alphabetical order: Bill, Feifer, hepcat, LG., Lucy, Mantenna, Mariner, Shazzer, SnowflakeGirl, Speedbump, spegs, Texicana, and Wayner. Last edited by Mantenna; 02-11-2005 at 01:31 PM.

02-10-2005, 10:50 PM	#3
cali Soccer Kicks Balls Join Date: Sep 2002 Location: right behind you Age: 42 Posts: 15,258	LOVE THIS ARTICLE! Please pardon my yelling, but it was fun to read to the very end! Thanks to all of you __________________ "Rice is great when you're hungry and want 2,000 of something' -- Mitch Hedberg

02-11-2005, 02:59 PM	#7
oneTVslave daydream believer Join Date: May 2003 Location: in the hizzy Age: 37 Posts: 3,727	I loved this article all season. Great work everyone! __________________ Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe. - Albert Einstein

02-10-2005, 09:34 PM	#2
William13 When I'm 64 Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: In Seclusion Posts: 1,064	I laughed! I cried! Mostly I laughed at your writing. I cried when I realized that it wasn't just a bad dream - that Kendra and Freddy actually did win. Obviously it wasn't enough to punch stupid luck last week. You should have knocked him to the ground and kicked him. Anyway thanks for all the fun along the way of the Amazing Race this season.

02-11-2005, 01:45 AM	#5
brncoswthrt Niiiiicce! Join Date: Apr 2004 Posts: 63	Awesome Mantenna! Loved every moment of it...and really looking forward to the Accidental TARist - part 7.

02-11-2005, 12:42 PM	#6
Leo FORT Fogey Join Date: Jan 2003 Posts: 10,033	Great work everyone.

02-11-2005, 05:53 PM	#9
ShrinkingViolet Endlessly Join Date: Oct 2004 Posts: 4,714	Awesome job all season long, everyone! This has been a most unexpected highlight augmenting the show. Thank you Bill, Feifer, hepcat, LG., Lucy, Mantenna, Mariner, Shazzer, SnowflakeGirl, Speedbump, spegs, Texicana, and Wayner.