First and foremost, thanks to John for recapping the first hour of “All American Girl.” I’m in Dallas and apparently, realizing that no one would be watching this show anyway, ABC decided to air a charity drive for St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital instead. That speaks volumes for the popularity of this show, huh?
Now, I’m going to make this quick, as I’m sure that no one is reading. So fasten your seat belts and hang on! And don’t blink or you might miss it! That is IF you were able to stay awake long enough to get to the end.
The show begins with the 10 girls lined up in front of a live studio audience. I can’t imagine who these people are or why they wanted to be part of the live studio audience. I can only assume that the room must be filled with friends and relatives of the 10 contestants. I mean, how else would anyone even know about this show? The ten girls are narrowed down to eight. Tarah and Ali, two members of team De Passe, have been voted off by a panel of who knows who. The rest of the girls scatter to the back to get ready to compete.
HostMitch tells the viewing audience that the fate of the 8 remaining girls in now in our hands. They are doing this American Idol sort of thing where fans are supposed to call in for their favorite person. I’m guessing that unlike the 18 million votes that are received weekly for American Idol, that this show will get a total of about 50 calls….and I’m thinking that 8 of them will be from the contestants themselves. And maybe one call each from each of the girl’s parents. Anyway, when I think of the empty phone lines I get this whole desert and tumbleweed scene running through my head.
The 8 girls take the stage dressed in black and white doing a group performance of “I’m So Excited.” This I know. I am not excited. At all. Kira starts the song off. I have three things to say: (1) Kira can’t sing; (2) Kira has a bad haircut; and (3) Kira’s breasts look really strange in that blouse. Andrea, Monica and Ashley sing fine. Kristi does not. Natalie and Jessica sound awesome. Shannon has a crazy look in her eyes. So crazy, in fact, that I have no recollection of her voice whatsoever. I am SO excited that the song finally ended. I think it was looped or something.
Next segment is HostMitch posing a question to the girls in which they will have a few minutes to prepare their 20 second answers. Apparently, this is a new weekly feature of the show. This is the most “Miss America-y” thing I’ve seen them do so far - well, excluding that “I’m So Excited” song and dance number. Oh my god… this is turning into a regular old pageant! This week’s question is: “If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be and why?”
Natalie: “Not a damn thing. God made me beautiful just the way I am.”
Shannon: “I’m impatient and clumsy and scatterbrained.” Okay Shannon… he said one thing.
Ashley: “I’d be cool.”
Jessica: “I would have pectis excavatum” or something like that. It wasn’t really decipherable.
Kristi: “I’d be more confrontational.”
Kira: “I’d be more decisive. When I bought something, I wouldn’t take it back.”
Andrea: “I’d have more confidence.”
Monica: “I’d have smaller teeth than these big ole’ chiclets I’ve got now.”
Moving right along. Kira turned 21 this past week. In order to celebrate, the girls went out for a hard night of drinking. 20 year old Ashley left early, as she wasn’t drinking and needed extra time to work on her dance moves. The next day, when meeting with the choreographer to learn the next dance, only Ashley was wide eyed. All of the other girls had hangovers with Kira feeling the worst.
Time for the dance portion of the show. Each of the girls created a dance of their own to perform for the audience to the tune of “Disco Inferno.” Dressed in their best 70’s outfits, here’s how they went: Shannon and Andrea are awesome. Kristi and Jessica look like members of a not-so-good drillteam. And if that’s the case, Monica and Ashley must be members of the sign up pep squad. Natalie does her pop dance thing and Kira is alright, but needs to point her toes.
On to the athletic portion. Each of the girls is required to slide down a fireman’s pole then run across the stage and climb up a rock wall. I guess whoever does it fastest is the winner and presumably, most athletic. Order of fastest to slowest is Kira, Shannon, Andrea, Monica, Jessica, Ashley and Kristi. Natalie comes in dead last because she was unable to compete. Torn ligaments in her shoulder or something.
Now here is the funniest part of the show. Cameramen went up to people on the street and asked them to imitate one of the contestants. Somewhere in LA, they were actually able to find a few people that watch the show. Amazing really. Well, there was this one guy… a big portly man… that popped danced a la Shannon. He was hysterical! And amazingly accurate. Dance, big guy! Dance!!
Next portion of the show is devoted to each of the coaches selecting one member of their team to plead their case for the audience as to why she would make the best All American Girl. Salley chooses Ashley who does this coin toss thing and claims to be honest and full of integrity. Now Ashley… really all you have to do is say, “because I’m hot.” You are pretty much insured a place next week based on looks alone. But you do have a funny personality to boot. Geri chooses Jessica who though isn’t the strongest of public speakers has great hair and seems sweet. Her speech was something to the effect of “Vote for me. Vote for me.” Last up is Natalie, the only remaining member of Suzanne’s team. She pleads to the audience to vote for her despite the fact that she wussed out of the athletic portion. Juuuuust kidding. I know, I know… torn ligaments or something.
And just when I thought the show was over, HostMitch throws one more trial at the girls. They must take a basic black T-shirt and turn it into some fabulous outfit. Though HostMitch claims this will show the girls’ originality, I’m pretty sure it’s just pointing out who should go for a degree in fashion design. Future fashion designers include Natalie, Jessica, Kristy and Monica.
Tune in next week on Thursday, 9pm/8pm Central for more of the same.
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