Take pity on me, folks. I haven't watched more than a couple of seconds of this show since it began, but Sher had a pre-emption in her market, so I am being forced at keyboard-point to recap the first hour. If you liked Sher's recaps, you'll LOVE....reading the second half of this article, which is written by her. While you wait, here's my half.
First, I have to say that watching this show is an exercise in patience. The show is so chockablock with clips and scene-changes, it's almost impossible to follow the action. These girls are getting ripped off, I tell ya.
First, we meet the girls. There are 10 this week (Geri somehow has 4 girls on her team). They are:
Ashley, Shannon, Andrea, Kristi, Kira, Jessica, Monica, Tara, Natalie, and Ali. Honestly, the names were shown so briefly that I'm amazed I got all 10. This proves to be the only coherent theme holding the show together.
Next we have our American Idol-inspired "Blatant Product Plug" with the Acuvue Contacts segment at a top Hollywood salon, which means they pay an extra $100 to have the stylists tell them "no" for everything they want done to their hair. They all pop in colored contact lenses, which I hear isn't good for you. Oh, and one of the girls gets an eyebrow waxing. During the commercial, I call my dad and thank him for having the dominant chromosome 33 years ago.
Now it's time to meet the coaches. Geri, who looks like "a hot little bumblebee" according to Mitch, and tells him that her girls "go all the way", prompting Mitch to play his Mr. Obvious hand by proclaiming "can I be on your team?" Suzanne claims she is a better coach than John, because she's not focused on the "other stuff". That "other stuff" seems to be located between the belly button and the neck of most of his team. John says he's got the 3 toughest girls. Toughest for what, getting their digits? Now you've got me curious. I can't be too hard on John, though, because we share not only the name, but also the height and shoe size.
In case you've forgotten, or like me, have tuned in as an alternative to the Survivor Recrap Episode, we're reminded that the girls will be judged on a combination of Talent, Beauty, Intelligence, Courage, Charisma, and Determination - and from a lot of clips I've been shown so far, also the ability to be jiggly in skimpy clothing as much as possible.
First up, we're testing the singing Talent (capitalized so you can see how it relates to the judging criteria). They're going to sing En Vogue's "Hold On". Kristi's a little freaked, saying that she feels SO judged! Hellooooo, McFly?
Anyway, they do a pretty amazing job, I feel. With the notable exception of Tarah, who is so tone-deaf, I swear I saw Mitch's ears bleeding. Shannon was a little distracting with her freaky faces. Were those on purpose, or was she running through the dance routine in her head?
Now we're going to test their minds. The girls get asked a vague question, and have a 3-minute commercial break to come up with a 20-second response. The question is (drum roll, please): "What do you believe is the greatest invention in history, and why?" Now, I'm no rocket scientist like my buddy Dave, but even I can tell you the right answer is the TV. No one picked it, predictably enough.
Ashley says video games, of course. She's milking this "geeky cute girl" for everything it's worth. Shannon says the video camera. Monica thinks the toilet is awesome, but stumbles her way through it. Kristi loves her "automobile". Andrea thinks the radio is great. If she'd have said anything about Marconi, I was ready to throw something at the TV, but she didn't, thankfully. (side note, Marconi did NOT invent the radio, contrary to every trivia question you've ever been asked)
Kira starts out claiming "reality TV", which trips the suckup alarm. Then she changes to electricity. Jessica loves her cellphone. Tarah, in typical pageant girl fashion, says the invention of the public school system. *yawn* Natalie says that the temporary boob job is da bomb. It's given her a sense of puberty she's never experienced before. I'm unfamiliar with the "temporary boob job" myself. I know the permanent kind, and the "stuffing your bra" kind. Am I missing something?
At this point, tragically well-endowed Ali takes off her earmuffs. I only mention that because Mitch chooses this moment to say "Let's hear it for boobies!" Ali looks super-embarassed, not having heard Natalie's speech. I felt bad for her, but she recovered long enough to choose the computer as her invention.
Woohoo, the swimming competition. They're at the ocean, with big waves, and have to swim out 50' or so, unhook a heavy dummy (no, not Mitch, a FAKE one), and drag it back to the beach. Fastest time wins. They didn't even show half of the girls for more than a second, but what they did show proved that waves are no match for skinny girls in wetsuits. Kira did it without a hitch, and wins the fastest time 2 weeks in a row. Natalie, apparently not spending much of her youth at the YWCA, bails on the competition, then gets mean and defensive about it.
Now, for some really odd reason, the judges get to choose one girl from their team to speak directly to America and plead their case. John picks Shannon, and she gives a heartfelt speech. Geri picks Kira, and Kira proves once again that she's quirky. Even I got that, and I've only seen just this show! Suzanne picks Natalie, and blah blah blah. Okay, I wasn't paying attention, I admit it. Like you're even reading this.
Fortunately, we're finally at the stage where America chooses! And right after this commercial, we'll find out how to vote! Really! Okay, we're back from commercial, are you ready to find out how to vote? Well, too bad. Current events being what they are, you're just going to have to rely on the judgement of a "panel of experts from the world of entertainment." They never say who these experts are, and I suspect they just drew names out of a hat. Or threw darts. Yeah, darts...definitely.
Well, I'd tell you who was eliminated, but that's on "next week's" (read: done by sher, but still airing tonight) show.
Sher, next time you have an emergency, it better be something like "I need someone to drive me and my 5 hot friends around town for the night" and not anything close to this travesty of a show. You owe me big-time.
If you loved, liked, or hated this recap, or just want to tell me what an idiot I am, you can e-mail me at email@example.com. Or maybe you're just curious to know who REALLY invented the radio?