Hi there again! If you’ll recall, last week we instituted the very important rule of drinking every time Mary cries or Amanda worries that other women have time with Mark. Our livers barely survived last week. Will we go into full-on cirrhosis this week? God, I hope so. I stocked two bottles of zinfandel, peeps! Let’s get this party started!
We start out in Mark’s suite, where he’s staring studiously at… the floor. He’s got six women left. Mark C. comes in, with a “Yo, Mark!” To which Mark responds, “Mark.” Who’s on first? Mark C explains that Mark will be taking women to do his favorite things, starting with surfing with three women. Mark says surfing is a big passion of his, and “just sitting out there in the water” is relaxing. Maybe TV only shows the business end of surfing, but it looks a lot more active than just sitting there. Anyway, he chooses Megan because she’s been wanting to go to the beach, and also Maria and Mary. He calls and tells them to bring bathing suits.
Amanda is disappointed, and claims she feels more strongly for him than anyone else. “I wanna goooooo,” she whines. There’s the first drink.
Surf’s Up, Ho’s Down
Mark picks up the women – who are wearing HIGH HEELS to go to the beach – in some old-fashioned looking station wagon he calls a “woody.” Repeatedly., to Maria’s mature annoyance. They head for the beach, and I’m hoping someone in the heels twists an ankle in the sand. I mean, seriously, ladies. Mark gives them a quick lesson on the surfboards, then suddenly all their cute bathing suits are covered in wetsuits. Mary says she’s scared. Megan says it was fun, Mark “made sure we didn’t die.” We’re then treated to several shots of the girls doing face-plants into the waves, which was worth the price of admission.
Back at the women’s suite, Amanda volunteers to clean the kitchen to keep busy. And read a book. And a magazine. “I don’t wanna just sit there and think, ‘I didn’t get invited,” she says. And she definitely doesn’t want to hang with Jen and Jayanna. She says they whisper a lot.
Jayanna thinks Amanda’s feelings for Mark are greater than his for her, and that’ll hurt her in the end. Jen also is a bit worried. “She’s already in love,” she says about Amanda. They wonder whether they should tell her they both french kissed him? They hope Amanda can keep a grasp on reality. Too late, if you ask me.
So now I’m half a bottle of wine down, with this whole section on Amanda’s insecurities.
Back at the beach, the girls are finally allowed to show off their bikinis, during a picnic. Mary says she’s more attracted to Mark the more she gets to know him. Mark volunteers the info that there’s sand in his crotch. Mary says he has a good sense of humor. Nice juxtaposition there, editing people.
They all fly a kite, and then Mark asks Megan off for a walk. She tells him she’s glad he chose her to go on this. He said it stuck in his head that she wanted to go to the beach. Mary whines that she wanted to go on the walk. She tells us she trusts Maria, because “she reminds me of home.” Or did she say “she reminds me of Mom”? Maria tells her not to worry, just to “be your beautiful self.”
Mark says conversation with Megan was easy, she’s full of energy and fun to be with. And 21. But when they walk back, Mary walks out to meet them. Maria stays put, saying that at this age in her life, “I don’t chase. I don’t need to chase.” Wise woman. Mary, of course, chases like a fox after a rabbit, but says with Megan and Mark, she felt totally out of place. “I’m never really sure if Mark notices me,” she says. “He has a weird way of acting around me.” That “weird way of acting” is to interrupt when she’s talking, which for the rest of us would be a huge red flag. And it’s not something he seems to do to the other women. Anyway, Mary’s hurt and walks off. Megan tells the oblivious Mark that she thinks Mary’s mad. He’s surprised, but doesn’t seem to go do anything about it.
Maria says Mark had a huge opportunity to take the lead in getting to know her, but it was clear his attention was on Megan. They’re still horsing around. “I didn’t come here to meet a man who really finds it titillating to have conversations with 20 year olds for five hours,” Maria says.
Back at the suite, the three report that they went surfing, and that Megan got one on one time. Amanda says “it’s not easy to hear.” Drink! Megan says she has a little crush on him, but doesn’t deal well with boys who date other people at the same time.
A text arrives telling Jayanna and Amanda it’s their date time. Amanda says it’s going to be awkward, and she tells Megan it sucks her date will be with someone so aggressive. Amanda doesn’t really like her, but Jayanna thinks Amanda thinks she’s a threat.
They’re dressed up in evening gowns, and boobs for Amanda. Mark greets them and leads them to a room decorated with some sort of reclining couch, and popcorn, and whatnot. It’s some sort of movie date, which is cute and all, but they’ve dressed the women all “glamorous 1940’s Hollywood style” then done the setting all “necking on your mother’s couch in the 1980’s in high school.” So it’s just all a little strange, if you ask me. Anyway, before the movie Mark takes Jayanna out for a drink. Amanda… god, I can’t even drink anymore. She’s so constantly insecure about Mark that I can’t drink so constantly and still type at the same time. That’s why this recap is late.
Jayanna tells Mark that after being with her husband for 10 years, she knows if you fall out of love sometimes, you work to bring it back. Mark says he has learned not to change himself to make someone happy. He thinks Jayanna knows what she wants and is passionate, all things he finds sexy. Jayanna likes hanging out with him. “I can’t see him not choosing me, I really can’t,” she says, which in reality TV-speak is code for him dumping her in the end. But maybe she’ll enjoy the ride? He asks if she’s wearing underwear, and she says no. What the… what? I don’t even want to know. Jayanna says Amanda had to sit there for nearly half an hour, which would be hard, but she’s not there to protect Amanda or her heart.
They watch an old movie called The Flying Deuces. During the movie, Amanda says she didn’t have to fight for Mark’s attention, he gave it to her. But Jayanna thinks his body language is turned toward her. I guess she didn’t know Amanda and Mark were holding hands under a blanket. So let me get this straight -- he’s turned toward Jayanna but touching Amanda behind his own back? Complicated body language indeed.
After the movie, Mark walks Jayanna to the limo and comes back to Amanda. Jayanna says Amanda is “too idolizing, it’s not natural.”
Mark tells Jayanna he knew she’d appreciate the movie night. He kisses her goodnight then returns to Amanda. There’s some drivel about snoring and talking in one’s sleep, and Amanda tells us everything is happening so fast and it’s scary. He mentions eating unhealthily and she says she could cook healthy stuff for him. He says one day she can, that everything’s possible. They make out. Should we start drinking whenever this happens, too? Nah. I’m already at my limit. Amanda tells us she’s definitely falling for Mark. He says when he sees Amanda he smiles, but that could happen with someone else too, and he might have gotten closer to Jayanna had she been the one to stay.
“If You Can Read This, The Bitch Fell Off”
Jen gets up the next morning upset that everyone but her had a date with Mark. “I’m annoyed with everything,” she grumbles. But Mark’s out on the street attempting to look tough on a motorcycle, and comes up to their suite with a leather outfit for Jen to go on a one-on-one motorcycle date. Everyone else is jealous. Amanda starts stressing, and Mary says she feels crappy. And then she cries. Ok, I’ll have one more drink. Jen looks hot in the leather pants, jacket and high heels, by the way. The older women tell her so. The younger girls ignored her, and Maria and Jayanna say the young ones are jealous.
Mark says he saved this for a special date. Jen says she loves speed and getting outdoors, so she’s made for this date. “Show me what you’ve got,” she says. They go for a ride to the top of (what Mark says is, I’ve never been to L.A.) Mulholland Drive, overlooking L.A. Jen says she’s never been up there before. What? Doesn’t she live in L.A. I know her bio says she’s something to do with the LA Lakers. How could you live in a city, any city, and never bother with going to see its famous views? Humph. You know, too many people take grand vacations far away and never bother to see the cool things in their own towns. That’s my PSA for the day.
Mark says Jen is elegant and classy but knows how to have fun.
Back in the suite, Megan’s still talking about wanting to go on that date. And says they should go to sleep so the date is over faster. Uh, ok. That’s like a five-year-old agreeing to go to bed on Christmas Eve so the morning will get there sooner. Megan also says it has to be weird for Mark, with Jen being 18 years older. “She could be his mom,” Amanda says. Mary hopes he just wants to get to know Jen before he cuts her, although from the tongue-swapping going on, I don’t think she’s going anywhere.
The young girls continue to lie there and moan, shockingly. Mary’s whining about herself, and how she’s 24 and should know better, and cries. “Good gravy,” says Megan, rolling her eyes and saying that Megan is sensitive. Sure enough, Mary even thinks the girls have abandoned her. She doesn’t know if she can handle any more of this. I don’t know if I can either. Is there any wine left?
“I just feel so screwed up in the head right now that I don’t know if I even want to stick it out,” Mary adds. I just want to say for the record that I cannot imagine how this girl functions in regular life.
Jen wants to show Mark “what a 48 year old woman is all about.” They play pool, and Mark says there’s some naughty-type flirting. He says he felt comfortable, and tells Jen it’s a big deal that he can open up and joke around with her. She asks who else he’s kissed, but he doesn’t want to kiss and tell. They kiss more.
“What’s most important to me is what I need and what I want,” Jen tells us. “And I want Mark.”
She returns to the suite to the pity/slumber party, and begins telling the jealous young girls how fun her date was. Amanda says Jen was chummy and wanted to chitchat, which is strange because Jen usually isn’t like that with the young girls. Amanda says it was like Jen was bragging and exaggerating. Jen tells them Mark said he was saving that date for her. After she leaves, the young girls roll their eyes and say she’s fake. “Fakeass,” says Amanda.
Mary Mary Quite Contrary
It’s elimination night, and only one woman has to go this time. Will it be a 40, or a 20? The girls are nervous. Mary’s straightening her hair, which is a lot more flattering, except that later in the night it gets a bit humid, and kinks back up a bit. She says if Mark asks her to stay she might just cry. Wow, really? Cry? Mary? I never!
Maria says she was very clear what she needed to stay, and now it’s time to go. She says she knows he’s not the guy for her. She needs to go so Mark can focus on women who care. Amanda doesn’t know whether to believe her. Neither do I. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Etc.
We’re back to the poolside elimination, for some reason. Mark’s nervous someone will say no when he asks them to stay, though. Mary says if she were Mark, she’d send Jen or Jayanna home, because she doesn’t trust them. Jayanna would eliminate insecure Amanda. I would eliminate everyone but Mary and Amanda, and then have a contest to see who is more insecure. And then check myself into rehab.
Mark begins with Jen, telling her she showed him a side of her he was waiting to see. She stays. He tells Megan they had a great time at the beach and she makes him smile. She’s in. To Jayanna, he says it feels so easy talking to her. She’ll stay, but makes him promise they’ll have fun.
When it comes to Amanda, Mark stutters a bit and then says he looks forward to time with her. But she’s nervous and confesses that she feels more than he does and it scares her and her feelings have gone faster than she expected. Way to be all hard-to-get, there. She and her boobs will be staying.
So it’s between Mary and Maria. Maria says she feels a little pressure. She tells Mary that a man’s love for her is dependent on her love for herself, and tells Mary she loves her. Is it me, or did this mother-daughter thing between Maria and Mary come out of nowhere? It’s sweet and all, I guess – Mary sure as hell needs SOMEONE to build up her self-esteem – but it’s just a bit out of left field. Anyway, they’re standing there hugging and all while Mark looks on uncomfortably.
He finally ends the moment by calling Maria down He asks if he’s opened up and shown her what she needed to see, expecting her to say yes. She says no. Ha! She tells him the beach was a great opportunity for them to connect, but she doesn’t feel he invested enough in getting to know her. Mark claims it was the first time ever that Megan and Mary had a date with him, so he had to pay attention to them. He says he loves who she is. She asks who he thinks she is. I’ll say this for Mary, she really puts him on the spot. Mark says she’s confident and spiritual and knows what she wants. He wants her to stay. Now, this is the moment when Maria planned to say no, right? That’s what you were expecting, right? But not so fast! Maria becomes very giggly and says he’s killing her. Jayanna says she’s confused, and if Maria stays again it’ll bug her. Maria tells Mark that in her 20s, she’d be “hailing the god that you are.” But she wants to know he’s investing time in her. Life is too short and women aren’t going to wait around for him. She feels like a sucker. When you invest time in someone it’s hard to say “this isn’t working for me.” Apparently, because Maria agrees to stay. She’s all giggly and flirty and smiling and walks back for a kiss. This is rather strange.
And she does all that right after comforting poor Mary, whom she says didn’t even cross her mind until she walks over to the chosen women and sees Mary standing there, forlorn.
But this is Mary’s shining moment, it really is. She marches up to Mark and tells him he can look her in the face. He starts to say he didn’t really get to know her very well, and Mary informs him that isn’t her fault. She says she did open up to him and if that’s not something he wants, it’s not her fault. But that he’s missing out. She tells him to treat her girls as best he can and to get to know what they’re about. “Good luck. You need it,” she says. That’s the one impressive scene Mary’s had. Good for her. She manages to walk over to the other women before breaking down in sobs, which I suppose is a victory of sorts. “I’m going to go home with dignity,” Mary says. “I’m not going to go home looking stupid. No one can look stupid for trying.” Trying, or crying?
Come back next week for less crying and less drinking, now that Mary’s gone. I’m sure Amanda will be good for at least one bottle of wine, though.