Welcome back to your weekly fix of cheese. Utter, complete, hilarious cheese. I haven’t seen a show this amusingly horrible possibly since “Who Wants to Marry My Dad.” And, like that show, this one is the type of fare that practically writes itself. Sadly, though, I haven’t seen any lie-detector tests on Age of Love. Yet. I have my fingers crossed.
As you’ll remember from last week (and if you don’t, check out the beautiful Roseskid’s splendid recap), our bachelor is Australian tennis star Mark GreeknameIcan’tspell. Mark, aided minimally by much-shorter host Mark Consuelos, also known as Kelly Ripa’s Husband, will be dating a group of 40-something women as well as a group of 20-something girls, in an attempt to prove that in love, age doesn’t matter. I curse NBC already for the inevitable threads that will pop up after the finale with people complaining that he either chose a 20-something for looks or a 40-something because the producers made him. Mark himself is 30-something, my own age, and claims to be ready to settle down.
Last week we also saw Mark look increasingly terrified as he met the 40’s, watching his hopes for dating younger women die like the women’s eggs. But luckily, Mark C. stopped the heartbreak and told Mark that a group of young babes were in play as well.
And, incidentally, what is WITH this horrible theme music? Did they just hire a lounge band with a synthesizer for that?
Six Girls, Six Fertile Wombs, And At Least Four Boobs Not Found In Nature
Oh, and the 40’s don’t know about the 20’s, although the 20’s know about the 40’s. On the 20th floor, then, we join the action with the young women, telling each other Mark will want a younger woman because “we can still have kids. What, is that mean?” Yeah, kind of. “My mom is 40,” someone giggles. So clearly someone’s mom was a knocked-up teenager.
On the 40th floor the next morning, the (according to the 20’s) barren hags wonder what Mark is doing and whether he’s planning a date. Oh, ladies, he is, all right. But with a different gaggle than you.
On the pool patio, Mark is waiting while the 20 something’s strut out to meet him.
Lauren, 27, is first and says she gets what she wants. Mark’s verdict? She’s “hot.”
She struts off around the pool and Adelaide, 26, comes out. She got bored in her last relationship, and hasn’t met anyone she really likes in a long time. She was born in Australia. Mark says she’s beautiful.
Amanda, I’d bet money, has already had a boob job. Mark says her smile was “huge,” but I doubt that’s exactly what he was talking about. She’s 25 but looks 40, if you ask me. She’s ready for a relationship. I do like her red heels, though.
We get snappier music for curly-haired Mary, who says she’s fun loving. She’s 24, and she stutters when nervous. And she kisses his cheek. She whispers to the others that she didn’t do a good job.
Next up is Tessa and HER fake boobs. She’s 23, and says she’s funny, she has great morals and “great thoughts” and needs an intellectual challenge. I tell you what, I have never seen an “intellectual” work so hard to look like a brainless bimbo. The fake boobs, the fake platinum hair extensions, none of that really says, “Talk to me about Kant.” But the special effects do their job; Mark says he was telling himself “eye contact” and can’t remember anything she said. “I concentrated harder than at some tennis matches,” he says. I can’t blame him. Those things were huge, even I had to stare at them.
Then we have the flat-chested Megan, 21, who feels judged by her age. He compliments her eyes.
And that’s it. Mark says he thinks he’s up to the challenge of six women in bikinis.
“This is finally what I’ve been waiting for,” he says, rather extraneously.
After the Malti-Poo, Silence Might Be Better
The six girls and Mark have something of a pool party, with Mark manning the grill and everyone having drinks and looking skinny in bikinis. In an obvious yet still amusing bit of editing, Mark says he’s looking forward to spending time with each woman and finding something that “sticks out” as we see Tessa’s chest. He calls her aside for a chat.
So is this a deep, intellectual discussion? Do they discuss world politics or Jane Austen or even something mundanely intelligent like their jobs? Oh, no. Tessa tells Mark all about her Malti-Poo, which she just loves. The dog’s personality is “just like mine,” Tessa says. Even Mark finds this odd, that she would compare her personality to a dog. I say, if the collar fits ….
The other women watch, and Lauren says it’s very weird. She goes over and asks if they want to get in the pool, to break them up. Mark says he watches a lot of movies with guys in hot tubs with bunches of girls, and it’s finally him in the hot tub with the girls. Wow, what highbrow taste he must have in movies. Hot tub scenes always win the Oscar.
Everyone troops into the pool, and then … silence falls. The girls stare at Mark, and he stares at them, and it’s apparently quite uncomfortable. Mark says he begins wondering what the 40’s are doing. We cut to the 40th floor, where in fact the 40’s – no doubt prodded by a producer, but still – are apparently having a chocolate-eating dance party. It looks a hell of a lot more lively than the pool party of death down there. Mark finally asks if any of them want to get to know him and talk to him, and Lauren volunteers. They go elsewhere in the pool and talk, and gradually they all take a turn, telling him what they do for a living. Most of them seem to be still searching for a career, though, and Mark says they’re young and still finding themselves and that’s fine, but he misses the way the 40’s know who they are.
“It’s not as attractive to me as someone who knows what they want, who’s hungry and passionate for success,” he says. Incidentally, Lauren tells him she loves to eat. So, you know, that’s a kind of hungry. I guess.
We also learn that Mark is learning to fly, and Megan’s terrified of planes. Mark does feel a connection with Australia-born girl. Adelaide. He feels chemistry and attraction (drink!). There was a lot of flirting, he says.
Mary feels like she got the least amount of alone time. But then Mark C. comes up behind Mark to drag him away. Mark C tells the girls some will join him on a date later, while others won’t see him again till elimination. Mary says she’s sure she won’t see him, and they all try to reassure her while secretly thinking she’s right. God, what a needy thing she is.
In his bachelor suite, Mark says it was tough today; he felt like he was getting nothing in return from the 20’s. “I’ll be 100 percent honest, I miss the older women,” he says. In my experience, when someone says they’re being 100 percent honest, they aren’t. But he still claims the younger ones didn’t blow him away.
Flashback, In More Ways Than One
Mark – who has now taken off his shirt at least three times in this episode – has a date with the 40’s. He says it’s more relaxed with them, he has to try too hard to get the 20’s excited about stuff. The 40’s meet him at a roller skating rink, where he’s dressed in a afro wig. He informs them they have to dress up too.
There’s a lot of squealing over the horrible rollergirl outfits, and Mark says the yelling and screaming reminds him how he missed them and is happy they’re there. They come out of the dressing room looking terrifying – at least one is in a leotard and clashing leggings, and another is dressed like some disco bat with enormous striped sleeves. But no one’s complaining, which is refreshing.
Some of them are very good at roller skating, as they should be, since it was big when they were young. Mark can’t skate well at all, but manages to notice that Kelli “looks like her legs didn’t end.”
Maria says the rink was a place to flirt and hold hands in eighth grade. She hasn’t skated since then. Angela says 40 is the new 20 – which makes me, like, 11! Yay! – and that women in their 20’s are messes with drama, whereas older women know who they are.
Speaking of messy drama, back in the 20’s suite, Mary’s literally crying. This is hysterical. She’s sitting on the floor, with the other girls sitting on the bed staring at her, crying about how she totally screwed it up with Mark and that she had the “positive power in me to prevent all this.” How about using that positive power to not be a crying baby? Geesh. Get some self-esteem.
The 40’s are doing a limbo competition for one-on-one time. I remember those at the skating rink. Slowly they get knocked out. Maria made it, though. Although she then fell right down and Jayanna says that doesn’t quite count. But she still wins, and the others say watching Maria and Mark on their alone time was painful. They feel like jealous teenage girls again. Then Jennifer comes up to Maria and Mark and cuts in, leading to Maria’s own teenage flashback
Jennifer may regret that move, though; her one-on-one time seems to consist of Mark telling her he can’t believe she’s 48 – neither can I, she really looks great – and being amazed also that she has a 25-year-old son. Whoa. That’s closer to Mark’s age than she is. “That just kind of freaked me out,” Mark says.
Dance, Monkey, Dance!
Back at the bachelor suite, Mark has picked three 20’s for a “date” in his suite. He chose Amanda, Adelaide and Megan, because they made the biggest impression on him. I guess Tessa is left out so he won’t have to hear about her Malti-Poo. Mark calls the girls’ suite, and Mary answers the phone. What could have been an enormously entertaining breakdown on her part does not materialize, sadly; Mark asks for Megan and Mary hands the phone over. Dammit. Mark invites the chosen three to come over now. For me, “now” would be “in an hour when I get out of my sweatpants and comb my hair,” but I am not a lithe young 20-something and apparently lithe young 20-somethings are always dressed and ready to go on a date.
They arrive at his suite, where they’re apparently going to have a dance-off, hopping on pads hooked to the TV screen. Megan thinks they’ll see another side of him because it’s more intimate. Amanda says normally she wouldn’t like a group date, she’s shy.
Mark says Megan is full of life and is fun to be around and full of energy. Of course she is, she’s practically just out of the womb.
The rest of the 20’s, by the way, are whining about feeling like Cinderella. Three guesses who started that “poor me” conversation.
Mark says he is now more impressed with the 20’s, having gotten them out of their shells a bit. Then suddenly, Adelaide takes him aside for a couple of minutes, and the other two are pissed. They think it’s disrespectful. Adelaide says she wanted to tell him she knows this is weird, she’s shy, but she’s going to try because she really likes him. She tells us he’ll either like that or not. Mark says he likes it, and that Adelaide seems outgoing and opening up more than the others.
He hugs them all goodnight, and Amanda’s nervous.
Every Woman’s Worst Nightmare on a Date: Younger, Hotter Women Descending From the Sky
The 40’s are getting ready to go to elimination. One says she’s had her heart broken enough already. Angela feels like she’s a catch – she has the maturity of an older woman with the looks of a younger woman.
The 20’s, also dressed for elimination, toast to themselves, and their victory over 40’s with “their crows feet and saggy boobs.” That was Tessa who contributed that, by the way, although the others jump in with unkind menopause jokes. That’s all fine and dandy, girls, but a day will come when even silicone won’t make you look 25 again. Karma is a bitch, is all I’m saying.
Mark will have to eliminate one 20-something and one 40-something. The 40’s come down to the pool area first, and Mark is sweating it – he doesn’t want the older women getting upset with him when they find out about the 20’s. Afraid of mommy getting mad, are we?
When the 40’s are arranged on their strange lighted platforms, Mark C., who has to do something to earn his paycheck, tells them there’s a reason why they didn’t see Mark yesterday. He looks up, and so do they, to spot the 20’s descending on the elevator. The 40’s ARE quite surprised, especially when the 20’s come up to stand on their platforms with them. But the 40’s look at each other and start laughing. I’m not really clear on why, but I’m going to vote that a smart move, since it’s making the insecure, needy little girls uneasy. Adelaide felt they were laughing at the young girls and felt embarrassed.
Mark C explains that the 20s are there to see if age really is a factor in love. He asks Jen how it feels to date someone at 48 who’s also dating a 21 year old. Ouch, zing! Jen says age isn’t a big deal. Well, really, what else could she say?
Mark says they all look gorgeous, and that age is nothing, it’s all about connection. Drink!
And, elimination listings are always dull. Mark tells most of the girls that he doesn’t know them very well but would like to, and asks them to stay. He shakes things up a little bit when he calls out Lauren, second to last of the 20’s, and tells her she actually WAS very outgoing, but he doesn’t feel it will work out. She’s surprised, but she’s outta here. Which means all the other 20’s stay, including Tessa, who I officially don’t like. I cannot, however, wait for Mary’s elimination, because I totally expect it to be dramatic and tearful, and – if I’m very lucky – violent.
Of the last two 40’s, Mark keeps Jen and sends Angela packing. Aw. I was starting to like her, since she looked like she had all of her original parts. Surprisingly, Angela is a bit weepy, telling us her time is getting shorter and she doesn’t want to miss anything and she just wants to find the one. Honestly, all I can think is, please god don’t let me be 40 and looking for a man on a dating show.
I wish I could give you a preview of next week, but I watched this on the Internet and they didn’t show previews. I predict, however, that it will involve cattiness, scanty clothing, claims from Mark that age doesn’t matter, and more cattiness and scanty clothing. See you next week!