I’m guessing since The Apprentice miserably tanked this year, NBC has been looking for someplace to set out new roots, and what better place to do that than in the fertile soil of the dating arena; after all, ABC’s The Bachelor has had a strong fan-base for many years now. But why stop at a simple dating show when twists are always such a lure to the ‘geniuses’ behind the scenes. Therefore NBC is kicking it up a notch by not just having one group of needy Hollywood-enhanced women vying for one man…hell no. Why do that when two groups of women would make for twice the fun. And, while we’re at it, why not really stir up the drama by having one group of women in their 40’s, or Cougars as they’re affectionately (rolleyes) referred to on this show vs. a group of women in their 20’s, aka Kittens. It’s a scientific experiment, doncha know.
One Stooge Coming Up
I have no idea how NBC chose Mark Philippoussis as the bachelor, but they open the show by saying he’s the man every woman wants. Oh, really now, I think we’ll be the judge of that, right ladies? He’s a 30-year-old 6’5” professional tennis player who comes from the land down under, Australia, and right off the bat I‘m disappointed that he doesn‘t enter the room singing, "I come from a land down under. Where women glow and men plunder.” Sigh. He’s quite a happy man but says he’d like to find a special woman to share his life. Am I the only one who’s curious as to why he can’t seem to do this on his own? But don’t fear, Mark, NBC has come to your aid and is counting on one of the following women to be that special someone for you. They are introduced to us as follows:
Lynn - 40, a makeup artist from Nashville, TN - no previous marriages, no children.
Kelli - 40, a legal secretary, from Los Angeles, CA - no previous marriages, no children.
Maria - 42, a photographer, from Playa Del Rey, CA - one previous marriage, no children.
Jayanna - 39 (on NBC’s website her age is listed as 38; on the television screen it’s listed as 39), a mortgage loan officer, from Newport Beach, CA - one previous marriage, no children.
Angela - 40, lists her profession as “a freelance,” (freelance of what, exactly? Journalism, programming, consulting, sex?), from Marina Del Rey, CA - two previous marriages, one 21-year-old son.
Jodie - 46, a VP of realty company, from Santa Monica, CA - one previous marriage, one eight-year-old son.
Jen - 48, exec. asst. to owner of LA Lakers, from Carson, CA - two previous marriages, one 25-year-old son.
Botox, Silicone, and Veneers, Oh My!
The show finally opens with The Cougars walking into their high-rise apartment, and they are thrilled with the digs. NBC’s heavy-handed editing is immediately obvious - these older, yet wiser women, are congenial, and comfortable with themselves which therefore allows them to bond quickly with each other. No petty arguing for these Cougars, no sirree. They greet each other by freely admitting their ages, as they all hold hands in sisterhood. A blonde woman says, “no teeny-bopper girls in this group, thank God,” which makes me laugh because of course we know there’s a sick twist to this show that they’re not aware of yet. Bwaaahh.
Mark Consuelos enters the room, and by the surprised looks on the ladies’ faces, you can almost hear the wheels turning in their heads, “ooh, is he single now?” Mark C. doesn’t waste any time, however, and immediately clarifies that he’s the host, not the bachelor - a crestfallen look comes across a few of their faces (I don’t blame them, I’d be disappointed, too). As a consolation prize, he says they’ve found the perfect man for them, and suggests they check out the television screen in the room. He leaves, and a quick synopsis of The Life Story of Mark Philippoussis begins, most of which we already know. A choice tidbit from Mark P. comes in the form of a concession that he’s been “naughty” in the past, and has lived the life of the playboy, but is now ready to settle down in love. As a matter of fact, he was so depressed at still being single this last Valentine’s Day, that he got a dog - a female dog, of course. The ladies think he’s cute, sweet and “kind of dreamy.” Lynn says he has a great head of hair, and she’d love to “play with it.” I’ll bet she would, heheh.
There’s A Man In The Cat House
Mark and his puppy move into his apartment and as he gets settled in, the ladies begin primping for tonight’s meeting. He’s hoping to find someone who is laid back like him, and it’s clear he has no idea what’s in store for him because he says he can’t wait to meet the beautiful young women in their twenties. Uh oh. Dun, dun, dun...
He’s positioned at one end of the outdoor deck with the city lights below him. The ladies step out one at a time to announce their name and age. First out is Lynn, she says hello and tells him she’s 40. Mark’s face falls a bit, and he takes a deep breath. He tells us a 40-year-old woman was a surprise, and he knows the next woman will be young for sure. *giggle* The next woman is Kelli, and she informs him she’s 40. He’s beginning to look a little nervous. Jayanna, 39, is next and says she looks forward to the journey (drink!). She’s followed by Jodie, 46, and at this point he begins stammering, hee. Maria’s next and when she says she’s 42 he looks resigned to the knowledge that they will all be older than him. As Angela, 40, turns to leave him, he clears his throat and swears under his breath, heheh. Jen wants him to guess her age, and you can see DANGER! flash across his eyes. But he’s a smart man and guesses 36 or 37, then looks stunned when she says she’s 48. When she informs him she’s the last woman and asks if he’d like to follow her over to the others so they can get acquainted, he nods and lets her lead him off like a little child obeying his mother, ha. He confides that he even checked the elevator to make sure some younger women didn’t get left behind. Hee.
He joins the women as they gather around a fire pit, and the ladies look like they’re freezing in their skimpy dresses. But even in an uncomfortable physical state, they still have their sense of humor and their camaraderie is intact. Slowly over the evening he learns who has been married before, who has children and how old they are. I notice that over time, the ladies are becoming more competitive with Mark, and as is typical on these shows, some women are getting more aggressive, monopolizing Mark’s attention. Kelli tells us she feels she has a little advantage over the others because she doesn’t have children. One woman grouses that she doesn’t like sharing the man she’s supposed to be dating, and all I can say is, then don’t come on one of these shows, sister! That’s what this format is all about - is that so hard to understand? So much for the wise older women theory. Mark would like us to believe that after spending time with the women he completely forgot about their age. Mark C. breaks up the party by suggesting they all get some sleep because the dating begins tomorrow. He warns them that not everyone will be going on the date, and that there will be an elimination ceremony when the date ends.
Cats Always Land On Their Feet
The next morning, Mark C. tells Mark P. to think about who he wants to take on the date and hands him a phone. Mark P. invites Jayanna, Lynn and Maria on the date and gives them 15 minutes to be ready to go. They meet him outside and are giddy with excitement. Jayanna admits to having a fear of heights and when she discovers they’ll be rappelling down the side of a high-rise, says she’s scared to death.
In the meantime, trouble looms in the far distance as The Kittens enter the picture. They are introduced as follows:
Tessa - 23, exec. asst., from Peoria, AZ, no marriages, no children.
Lauren - 27, lighting consultant (probably works for Lamps Plus), from Studio City, CA, no marriages, no children.
Megan - 21, student, from Chicago, IL, no marriages, no children. Megan says she’s dated older men, but not “Anna Nicole style 95-year-old dudes.” Haha.
Mary - 24, hemodialysis tech., from Sherman Oaks, CA, no marriages, no children.
Adelaide - 26, editor of Esquire, from Manhattan Beach, CA, no marriages, no children.
Amanda - 25, asst. to financial planner, from LaVergne, TN, no marriages, no children. She thinks older women desperate for a man are pathetic - well, okay then.
Enough about the youngins’ though, it’s back to The Cougars for us, and we watch them getting geared up. Maria is thrilled to be experiencing something new and she and Mark rappel together - I was going to say they went down together, but then thought better of it. *wink, wink, nudge, nudge* Mark repeats the challenge this time with Lynn, and she warns him if he cuts her tonight, she’ll kick his “hiney.” Lastly it’s Jayanna’s turn, and after watching the others go first, she looks like she’s about to puke. Mark assures her that he’s right with her, and with his encouragement, she flies down the wall. Maria is not happy watching their “connection” (drink!) and says she’s ready to “bring it on.” Afterwards he brings them back to his apartment, opens a bottle of champagne and they toast the day’s activities.
No Fat Cats Here
In the meantime, The Kittens are having a hula hoop competition…in their skimpy bikinis…wearing six-inch heels. What? You don’t do that on a regular basis? That’s a typical Saturday afternoon activity here in the Roses’ household, with all my friends and neighbors. Woot! In sharp contrast to the freakfest going on in The Kitten’s apartment, The Cougars who didn’t go on the date, pass the time by doing counted cross-stitch, laundry, and reading, zzzzz. The rappelling ladies return and excitedly share the details of their wonderful day with Mark.
As the day comes to an end, The Cougars begin primping for the Elimination Ceremony that looms ahead of them. They toast to their “individual yumminess,” then the close-knit group is fractured when Mark P. calls Angela, Lynn, Jodie and Jayanna to join him privately on the outside deck.
The serious music is cued, and Mark P. waits as the ladies enter wearing dresses cut down to here, and up to there. Everyone is nervous because of course they’ve all fallen madly in love with a 30-year-old man they’ve spent what, about five or six hours with. Ooh, I’d be nervous, too. /sarcasm
He says they all look stunning, and says dating older women is a first for him. The ‘older women’ smile sweetly and nod, still trying to win him over, even at this late hour. Mark says one of them will be sent home, and the music builds to a dramatic crescendo. There’s the usual obligatory pauses then finally Mark calls Angela to him. Keep in mind, the ladies are spread out along the length of the huge pool, so much so, that I’m surprised he’s not using a megaphone. Angela strolls the miles over to him, and he says he felt she was too shy last night, but he’d like her to say. She says she’s a big goofball, and she’ll let her freak flag fly from now on. Next, Mark questions if Lynn is wearing a heart pendant from someone special at home, but she assures him she simply wears it because she feels good when she has a hard-on. What the frack? Oh, wait, she says she feels good when she has a heart on. Whoa. He’s intrigued by her and wants her to stay, which leaves Jayanna and Jodie. He calls Jodie over to him, and says he relates to her more as a friend, and due to that, he’s cutting her loose. She asks for a hug, and says it’s okay, she has her sweet little boy waiting for her at home (I assume she means her son and not a vibrator). She still believes Mr. Right is out there for her. Mark calls Jayanna to him and says he was impressed how she overcame her fears today and he’d like her to stay.
The ladies are then sent away, as Mark C. joins Mark P. commenting on how tough the elimination must have been for him. Yes, we’re all worried about this tough situation in which he’s suddenly found himself, wah, wah, wah. He then adds that things are going to get a lot more complicated and directs his attention to a curtain by the side of the pool. The curtain drops and six Kittens are poised in faux-sexy, rather silly-looking positions, and Mark P. moans, “oh my God.”
And there you have it folks. I’m still not sure how I feel about this show, but I’m willing to give it another try, especially because Lucy will be recapping the rest of the season for us and she’s neither a Kitten nor a Cougar - she’s a Panther, rowrrrrr. How do you feel about the show? Send me a pm here.